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Honeyed Heart

Love, Loss && Maxley

February 12, 2019

Today was a good day. The only time he needed the Roc to get paralyzed was at 7:45 this morning. So far, that makes for a great day! He has had several episodes where his stats (% oxygen in his bloodstream) drop but then recovers on his own with the help of us talking to him, rubbing his legs or playing his glowie singing toy. It really comes down to his temper, he gets mad and when he gets mad he bears down and it closes the vessels in his lungs and his sats drop. So, keeping him calm and mostly sedated has helped. 

The doctor came in this morning and we talked about timing. The question of the century. She said there is no way that she could tell us (of course). She said that the better question is to talk about goals for the week. That way it is week to week. This will be a long road and there is no way they can give us an idea of how he will do. In her opinion, she did say that he will need to go a week or so without any crisis episodes before we can even talk about weaning the vent. He will also need to be awake and not getting pissed and bearing down, that will be the tricky part. He has a temper, he got that from me… oops. Each rounding pediatric intensivist has a different process and so it will depend on who is rounding that week but it will be something close to that for timing. 

The NJ was clogged and so they came in and had fluoroscopy come in and look at it. It ended up being wound up and so they were able to adjust it versus replace it. We started feeds at 5ml an hour and he hasn’t pooped yet so we will see what his stomach is measuring at tomorrow. They measure around his stomach every few hours to see if he it is distended. That is how to tell if he is handling the feeds well. 

We met with Dr. Shepard, one of the cardiologists and talked about the TEE heart procedure he had done yesterday. It gave them a good view of the heart and it wasn’t as awful as they thought it was. They think that the extra cluster of muscle isn’t affecting him as much as they originally thought which they did already think but good to have confirmation. The cardiologists and the intensivists are all saying that it is equal parts the heart and the lungs. 

The pulminary hypertension means his lung pressures are bad and the thick right side of the heart means the blood isn’t pumping well. He is on several meds for each and so hopefully they will all help him to stop with the crisis. He started another med today on top of the sildenafil to help with the hypertension, that will take a day or 2 to really start helping him. 

His fever was much better by this afternoon but this morning when we met with the rounding doctor we were discussing his platelets and his hemoglobin. His hemoglobin is low again even after a blood transfusion just a few days ago. We were concerned about a brain bleed because they have basically done an ultrasound and/ or x-ray on the rest of his body so we got a head ultrasound done. It came back clean, which we suspected it would. The next step would be a CT scan and we aren’t there yet. They want to see if the platelets come back up on their own. We will probably need to give him another blood transfusion but they are so so worried about his fluid intake because when he is fluid positive like he has been for several days (receiving more fluid than he is outputting) his crisis are worse, when he is negative, like today, they are better. Obviously, blood is fluid and so it makes it worse. He is -230 ml so far today and still puffy but handling it better than when he is positive.

The doctor also mentioned that she has noticed that kids with genetic abnormalities can have higher temperatures and run low grade fevers for no reason. I am curious the research on that. Maxley is only the 21st case of his genetic abnormality but there are similarities with lots of kids with generic abnormalities. For example, a lot of them have heart conditions, developmental delays, etc. 

On Saturday morning he developed a small rash looking thing called Petechiae on his ribs. They look like tiny broken blood vessels. I have seen them before around eyes after vomiting. It is not concerning it is just from his low platelets so they aren’t concerned but I forgot to write about it before. 

February 11, 2019

Maxley had a good night. He only had to get roc a couple times and when he did, he recovered quickly. It was an uneventful morning. He got taken down for his broviac line (new IV) around 2:00. It was a few hours before he was back. Everything went well. During his procedure he had a TEE which is a transesophageal echocardiogram. It is similar to the echo he gets with the doppler on the outside except they use a scope down his throat to view the backside of his heart. It gives them more data than they can get from the outside. They had one of these scopes in during his open heart surgery too. There is a cardiologist there doing the procedure and reading the results. We hadn’t heard on it yet. 

Remember how I said yesterday that we hadn’t met with hematology?. Well, that changed today. We met with hematology today because his platelets are low and they can not figure out why. There are 4 possible reasons that they could be low again and they have now ruled out 3 of them. The 4th is very unlikely so they really don’t know why. He got ultrasounds today to help rule out the other 3. 

They changed one of his meds. One of his meds was making his heart pump but it also caused vessels to vasoconstrict which is narrowing of the vessels so they changed him to one that will just help with pumping. He is still really warm and feverish so now we are just trying to figure out if he is just a warm baby (which he always has been) or if he has a fever. The cultures have all come back negative. They just keep culturing new samples to see if something comes up. 

We had a delicious turkey dinner at Ronald McDonald house tonight. We both walked down and grabbed a plate and came back up and ate. He had one minor episode after dinner but overall a good day. 

I keep showing the nurses videos and pictures of him because he is so sweet and so so cute. 

February 10, 2019

Today was relatively uneventful until this evening. They have just been keeping Maxley mostly sedated to avoid him having his crisis spells. 

Mom and I finally felt comfortable enough to leave and grab food together. We walked through the skyways to Midtown Global Market for some dinner. We got Mexican food and sat down and ate. We were gone about and hour and a half and when we got back our nurse had said that he had just had a bad crisis. I guess it was the worst one yet because his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate jumped and so the gave him the Roc to paralyze him and his stats always come right back up but they didn’t. They had to bag him which is the manual breathing bag that they pump over his mouth to get him oxygen. Then they switched the vent settings so that he was getting a better pressure vs number of breaths per minute. They suctioned his breathing tube again and got out mucus out of it. Then his sats started coming back. They think that was plugging the tube and so he wasn’t able to breath. 

I am very glad we weren’t in here for it. The nurse had to run into the hallway and shout for help and the doctors and cardiologists came in and were all trying to figure out what was going on. He was ok and it wouldn’t have made a difference if we were here or not and it really would have scared us both so I guess it was better. It will be hard for either of us to leave now knowing that even after a semi calm day, these things can happen. 

His episodes usually start by him waking up, he will cough or cry. They suction him and that sends him into a tailspin. This is almost always what happens. Sometimes though, he will be fast asleep and it happens and sometimes he does just fine with the suctioning. 

They are still pulling a lot of mucus out with the suctioning but it isn’t green anymore. They sent a culture 2 days ago of the mucus, his urine and his blood, all which came back negative for an infection. His white blood cell count is high and he has had a fever so they thought he had an infection but they can’t find one. His white blood cell count is higher today so that is good news. They think he could just be having an inflammatory response from the cath procedure on Thursday. His CRP (inflammation marker) is going up so that could indicate that it is a virus and not a bacterial infection. So now we have infectious disease is now following him. They added in an anti-fungal medication just in case. That officially makes a total of 27 different meds that are scheduled. He also has 3 other meds that can be given as needed and then his nitric oxide. 31. THIRTYONE meds in this 11 pound baby. One of the 3 meds given as needed is the Roc which he gets a lot so you can see that he gets a lot of drugs. 

About half of those are drips, the other half are delivered randomly throughout the day to our room by the pharmacists in a syringe for the nurse to administer. 

We asked the nurse today which specialties aren’t following us. She could only come up with 3. Oncology, hematology and neurology. We may have the rest covered. 

His platelets are low and so they thought he was clotting somewhere but they did ultrasounds on his groin area where the arterial line is and where the cath was inserted for the procedure and they also did an ultrasound on the central line in his neck, all showing no signs of clots. This is a good thing but then they can’t figure out why his platelets are so low. 

He got another blood transfusion today. Mostly just because they pull blood for labs every 6 hours and so his hemoglobin is low. Sometimes it is more than every 6 hours. A lot of times after his crisis they pull labs to see what his blood gas is at to see if he has to much CO2. His blood gas has actually been pretty good considering all his episodes. 

We started another med yesterday called gabapentin and got up to full dose today. It is technically an anti-seizure medication but they think it will help with his jitters. When he is awake he is very jittery and looks like he is having withdrawals still. 

Since the bad one tonight, they are being overly cautious and just paralyzing him at the drop of a hat. They aren’t waiting to see if he will recover on his own. We are fine with that. It is not hard for me to see him paralyzed because I know he is comfortable. I am SICK of not holding him but it is SO much harder for me to watch him lay there jittery, shaking and crying and there is absolutely nothing I can do. It doesn’t matter if I sing to him or talk to him, he just cries and it makes me cry. It is just too much for me to watch him having these withdrawal symptoms and crying. I miss him so much and he doesn’t even look like himself. 

He is very very puffy. As of just a few days ago he was down 1.5 lbs since the morning of surgery and today he was back up to pre-surgery weight so he has a LOT of fluid on him. The lung and heart issue has a lot to do with fluid levels and so we are working hard to find that sweet spot of not too dry but not too wet. It is hard. We add in diuretics and take them away and add them back, etc. He is stooling well which is good and we are on 7 ml an hour of feeds.

Tomorrow he is scheduled to get his central line in his neck taken out and a broviac line in. The central lines shouldn’t be in more than a week or 2 due to infection risk. The broviac line is a special IV line that goes under the skin into a vein that leads directly to the heard. It can stay in long term and has less infection risk. Since he has a fever they may delay the procedure a day or 2. 

February 9, 2019

Day 13 CVICU

An update by Terri:

Today was another volatile day.  We have a rough night with a few more crisis episodes and some overall changes. They moved him to Morphine on Thursday because they were trying to wean off of Fentanyl, however, it appears he had a bad reaction to the Morphine so he is off that now and on some Fentanyl, but they are moving toward utilizing more Sedation Medication rather than Narcotics. 

Narcotics are hard on the body for several obvious reasons, and the goal now is to keep him more sedated for a longer period of time which will allow his heart to heal.  They will continue to use the paralytic as often as needed to prevent his “spells”.  They are scary and seem to be more frequent, however his is recovering quicker now.  The Rocuronium “Roc” they use to paralyze him lays loaded in a syringe right by his feet, ready for the quick action they need to take when he starts to tank.  He wasn’t as delirious today which also was a relief, as he could look at us again and react to us when he was awake. 

They started a new sedation protocol today and increased the meds to help the Pulmonary Hypertension.  He was much more restful today, however had several more crisis situations than ever.  We are getting used to them, and everyone seems to be happy with his progress in handling situations and recovering quicker. 

He still is running a slight fever and his platelets are low.  They did an Ultrasound on his Arterial line to make sure there weren’t any blood clots and tomorrow will check his port for clots where the Cath was inserted on Thursday. If they can’t find any clots, then they dig further to determine why they are so low.   

For the most part, we are sleeping really pretty well.  Even better than we could at home with him, but last night was the first night that we were very anxious and I was up all night.  

The big picture:  waiting for the heart and the lungs to pressurize within Maxley’s body. Because he had 2 holes in his heart, the heart had been working as one organ for 7 month up until surgery.  Now it is an organ with 4 chambers and it is having trouble pressurizing itself and communicating with the lungs.  (Maybe by the time we get out of here I will be able to better explain everything.)  They need to learn how to work together with the right pressures and blood flow.   How and when all that will magically happen is unknown.  They continue to tweak everything from his feedings, oxygen levels, sedation meds, pain meds, heart meds, lung meds, diuretics, etc.  His size at birth and prematurity plays a huge factor in all of this and they never know how these factors will play out. 

We finally unpacked yesterday and organized our tiny little space. 

Thank you everyone for all your emails, texts and calls.   We may not get back to you, but it is so nice to hear from everyone and know you are thinking about us. 

God’s Blessings. 

February 8, 2019

8 months ago today I lost Scott. 8 months. How is this my life? Everything has changed. I feel like Maxley’s life is unstable and I’ve already lost Scott. I can’t breathe sometimes when I think about how horrible my life is. I miss him so much I’m numb. 

I think a lot about how Scott would be handling this situation and this life and I can’t even picture it. I miss him so much. I miss his voice and his hugs. I would give anything for a hug from him right now or to be anywhere but laying on this air mattress in a hospital worrying about my son. I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I can say for certain that the days ahead are going to be far worse than the days behind. 

——

Maxley is super agitated today. He is sleeping in 45 minute chunks. No surprise. He does that at home too but this is a little different. He just seems out of it. They switched him to morphine and so he is having withdrawals from the fentanyl.  This evening they put him on a Morphine drip so it’s constant which is good. 

He had a really bad episode a couple hours ago. He stopped breathing completely and was blue and purple. It was by far the scariest crisis episode yet. I don’t know how either of us will sleep tonight. 

We have a new nurse (new to us not new to nursing) so that’s not super comforting. 

The only cure in the moment is paralyzing him. The cardiologist came in and said he isn’t surprised. This is the pulmonary hypertension and he expects it. It’s going to be a long very very scary road. 

He is so agitated tonight we just talked with the doctor and we are going to switch him back to fentanyl. We are hoping that’s why. She said some kids can get itchy on morphine so maybe he isn’t reacting well to it. He almost looks like he is convulsing which we know he isn’t but that’s how agitated he looks. 

Off to pretend to sleep tonight. We begged the doctor to keep stopping in and checking on him. 

February 7, 2019

Today was rough. He had his cath lab procedure at 10. It got started late so it was closer to 11. It took a few hours and mom and I just hung out in his room. Afterwards they came back up and before they came back into the room we got kicked out to go wait in the family room. After about an hour, the cardiologist came in and said they found an obstruction which he explained was a cluster of muscles in his Right Ventricle. He was very surprised and it wasn’t what they were expecting. He said he had to meet with the team but surgery was an option and he wasn’t sure how he would treat it yet, it was not anything common.  
After that we got to go back into be with Maxley, he did great. He was completely sedated for the procedure so it took him a while to wake up. A couple hours later, his surgeon came in and said that this was manageable. It is fairly common in kids with heart defects and it was manageable. There are a few meds we will try first and surgery would be a last resort. 
He does have Pulmonary Hypertension but not to the degree that they originally thought, and the meds there were giving him are helping that as well.  
He came back in again later and explained it in more detail but I think I wouldn’t be able to explain it if you paid me to, so I won’t try except the jist is that the right side of the heart is thicker from working so hard since he was born. The muscle bundle shouldn’t affect anything and the thickness should lessen over time. He will need some extra meds and extra support for a while but the good news is that another surgery isn’t immediate. I am probably still not explaining it right so I hope none of my doctors or nurses are reading this. 
It will be a long road. That is what I got out of today. He probably won’t be extubated anytime soon and we will be here a bit. I honestly don’t mind being here, although it is boring and tight, it is fine. It is the constant ups and downs that are truly unbearable. Everyday I think I don’t know how I will make it another day here. The constant unknown may give me a heart attack. I hold my breath and tense up so much. I am constantly watching the body language of the nurses and doctors to see if something is wrong. 
It is so different here than the NICU/ ICC. He beeped constantly when we were down there but it was ALWAYS nothing. We knew how to mute the beeps and it just meant it wasn’t picking up right or that maybe his oxygen level was a little low but since he had a heart condition it was normal. Here, the beep means everything. When he beeps, our hearts stop and we stare up at the board to see his saturation’s,(sats), pressures and heart rate. We are in the intensive care unit after all. 
It helps because we know what every beep is and we can read his levels ourselves without having to ask what is wrong but it is constant, it is exhausting and it is hard. I have a new found respect for anyone who has been through a hospital stay and especially heart surgery. This sucks. Everyday feels like we are just sitting around waiting for bad news or waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

February 6, 2019

He had a good night and uneventful day. A few mini episodes but recovering quickly and usually on his own. He had been keeping his sats level even during his coughing fits or when he cries which is amazing and shows us the new meds are working. 

He is very awake today and grumpy. He is crying over the vent and it’s heartbreaking but I think it’s just because he is more awake. We are singing, talking to and kissing on him as much as possible. 

He has never liked just laying there. He always wants to be held and it’s horrible to be completely helpless when he looks at you with his big beautiful eyes and is crying and it’s just not fair to him. He doesn’t understand what is going on and why we can’t just pick him up and hold him. He chews and gums his breathing tube and gags on it too. This is a horrible torture to watch him lay there and be able to do nothing about it. 

I would give absolutely everything I have to trade places with him. At least I would understand what is going on and he wouldn’t have to go through this. His cry is torture too because it’s this silent wail for help and you can’t even tell unless you’re looking at him and then you see he is red faced and bawling and it makes you want to cry. 

We are still having issues with his NJ feeding tube migrating out of his intestines into his stomach so he had another X-ray this morning and it’s in an ok spot. We met with a Gastroenterologist (GI) and she gave us a ton of info and we decided to wait on having his G tube switched to a GJ tube. It’s actually kind of a bigger deal than we thought so I would rather wait. It’s hard because he gets a lot of meds through the NJ and if it isn’t in the right spot the meds come right out into his G which is being vented so they can see it draining out of his stomach. 

Tomorrow he is having the cath procedure done. They take him down to the cath lab and sedate him and it takes a few hours. It’s not a huge deal but there are risks with every procedure. We will be anxious to get him back and to hear of the results. The cardiologist actually does the procedure and our surgeon is there to all see the results of the test first hand. It will tell us a lot. 

The doctors today told us they think we will be here several more weeks at least. A lot will depend on this procedure tomorrow. It’s a little disheartening but I really wanted to know the longest case scenario. I guess we are in it for the long haul. 

It’s hard because we are bored. We try to stay busy but we don’t like to leave, ever. One of us usually grabs food and brings it back and so we live 24/7 in a 100 sq ft box. We wake up in our bedroom, take the beds apart, push the couch back in, stand the air mattress up and then we are in our living room/ kitchen. We keep our bags and clothes and all belongings in a cabinet smaller than my locker in high school. We have a mini fridge with 3 shelves on top of it for snacks and a little side table. We have a typical hospital table that slides over the bed for a patient to eat at that we use as our kitchen table/ laptop stand. 

We talk to doctors and nurses almost all day on and off, watch Netflix, and try to stay busy but inevitably, we are bored. We have some word finds and sudoku puzzles and lots of adult coloring books but it’s just hard. 

It just didn’t seem this hard last time. Constantly cuddling and learning my new baby must have taken up all of our time. There was also the business of planning a funeral, trying to get into all of Scott’s accounts so I could pay the mortgage, garbage, water, etc., and just missing Scott. My mind was so consumed for those 99 days that I probably didn’t have the brain power to be bored. 

It’s only day 10. 

It is Feeding Tube Awareness Week. Hug your favorite tubie and if you don’t have any other tubies, I will gladly lend you mine. 🙂 

February 5, 2019

The update today is that there is no update and I couldn’t be happier. 
He had a couple minor crisis episodes today but mostly recovered on his own which is great. They are weaning off his pain meds so he wanted to make my day and wake up and see me for the first time. His sats stayed stable even though he was awake and moving around. He was awake a lot today and following with his eyes. It was emotional to see for sure! I loved seeing his eyes and seeing he was looking at me. 


The moved his cath test to Thursday at 11 so we should get some answers this week and then we have potential to extubate after the test. It doesn’t mean he will be ready this weekend but it’s better than having to for sure wait until Monday. 


He had a huge explosive blow out poop where they had to change all the sheets and bedding but we can’t even be mad! We get so happy! Two nights ago when he wasn’t peeing, I had a dream I was holding him and he peed all over me. I was holding him at home naked and he just kept peeing. I wasn’t even mad because in the dream, I still really needed him to pee and so I was so glad.  


He had such a good day my mom decided to come down to Ronald McDonald house with me to eat dinner.  They were serving tacos which is safe for her and always nice so we walked down together. When I got down there, I saw my sorority sister, Reese, and then one of my best friends Marie and Mel and Katie and so on and so on. I couldn’t believe it, a group of my sorority sisters braved the snow storm to come to the hospital and serve tacos to everyone at the hospital. It was such a cool surprise!! My mom grabbed her taco and headed back to the room and I stayed and chatted with my friends for a while. It was nice to get out of the room and see people I love. I still can’t believe it. I am still so surprised!! 


I’m so thankful we had such a good and mostly uneventful day. Both my sisters got to come up today and see him again which was nice. 


Off to more weird, half medical related dreams! 

February 4, 2019

Day 7 CVCC

Hello this is Grandma aka Terri writing this post.  Kelsey has convinced me to write this tonight, so I will do my best to recap our day. She does such a fantastic job with writing and I won’t claim to translate anywhere near how well she can, but here it goes.

Maxley has kept us very anxious all day.  He continues to challenge the team here and keep everyone on their toes.  His episodes of Hypertension are continuing and are very unpredictable.  In most cases his numbers begin to change in a blink and everyone rushes in here to figure out the next solution.  Since he was born premature, they believe his lungs are underdeveloped and are struggling to handle the new pressures of his “new” repaired heart.  Pulmonary Hypertension does have several remedies and multiple courses of treatment, so they are very encouraged that they will get to the right mix for Maxley, but for now, it is a lot of trial and error and is scary for us.

Our team of doctors and nurses here are amazing and so smart.  They have excellent processes and systems in place to care for these very high risk babies.  We are lucky to be here with the best care possible.  Unfortunately, we have witnessed their expertise several times the last few days. 

Todays Updates:

Today he had a few more “crisis” situations where they had to “paralyze” him to get him back to stable.  They are very scary to us when they are happening, but everyone stays so calm and they always explain to us what they did and what their plan is. They see babies similar to this every day, but there are so many factors that effect everything so they continue to tweak everything.    We met with a Pulmonary Specialist today who will start following him.  The team here called them in yesterday because they wanted to make sure they weren’t missing anything.  He has a slight wheeze so they will also watch that.  They plan to do a Cardiac Catherization procedure on Monday.  They insert a catheter from his groin into the heart and pulmonary artery.  This will tell them a lot of what is happening with his pressures and how to treat it.  They prefer to do this treatment after his lung infection is gone so that it doesn’t impact the readings.  He does need to be intubated and sedated for this also, so he may not be extubated until after this on Monday.   However, if he continues to have bad days like today, they may move up this procedure to better identify a treatment.  He is now on 3 steroids and 2 drugs for the Hypertension.  

Some good news; his fever is gone and there is very little mucus now when they suction his lungs.  They did X-Ray’s two times today since at one point they were concerned maybe a portion of his lung had collapsed, but no, they are fine.  His lungs look really good on an Xray and much clearer than they were yesterday.  It appears the infection in his lungs is clearing nicely. 

His NJ (feeding tube) also came out for the 3rd time today so they brought in Radiology with a huge machine and they re-fed the tube into his intestine.  Kelsey and I have to step out when they do these and the Xrays and we pace around or wait in the “family room.” We hope this now lasts because when it comes out of the intestine, the food and meds dump into his GTube which are now being drained out from his stomach.  Since he has such bad reflux and is intubated, they do not want to put anything into his stomach if they don’t have to, because there is a risk of him spitting or throwing up and aspirating with the tube. 

The nurse would peek in his diaper and press lightly on his bladder and he would pee quite a bit. They placed a catheter again on him today.  Since he is on so many muscle relaxants he was not voiding. As soon as they placed it he peed about 80ml immediately which means that was all sitting in his bladder and probably uncomfortable. 

Physical Therapy came in today and started range of motion on his arms and legs.  He can’t really be moved, so they can just do very limited things, but good to get those moving a bit.  

They have kept him paralyzed and very sedated most of the day now.  They keep the “rock” (Drug) handy laying on his bed for his episodes.   

We can barely leave the room to run to the bathroom or get food.  Things happen so fast and we hate to miss something.  Kelsey ran down one floor tonight to grab us food and they had me text her that he was having an episode. 

So the clock continues to tick and we keep hoping and praying that we will get our little man back very soon.  We miss him so much!

February 3, 2019

Wow. What a day. Nothing big but lots happened today. 

I was out for most of the day hosting a bridal shower for my best friend who is getting married in April. It was a nice distraction and something to look forward to. 

I will try to sum up everything but it may be choppy and I might miss things, bear with me. 

The majority of what “happened” today is due to the fact that he keeps failing his c-pap test. He should have no trouble at this point getting extubated and for sure passing his tests but he isn’t so they are trying to figure out what is wrong. 

They do x-rays every morning at 5 and they did 2 more today to try and figure it out. His X-rays looked cloudy which is fluid. They are upping the diaretics, again. They think that is why he is having trouble with his cpap tests. They Increased sildenafil (med to replace nitric oxide) today which also should help. Platelets are 102 which is low. 1 hour cpap trials continue but keeps failing. Ordered an abdominal ultrasound since lots of discharge out of Gtube again. Almost his whole feed is coming out Gtube.

They put in a new NJ tube through the nose into his intestines because the other one migrated out. They sedated him to do it and so far so good but he has lost weight since before surgery and considering he is still retaining a ton of fluid, that’s not good. 

Respiratory is starting a new procedure now called BD (Bronchial Drainage). They use a small rubber device and lightly pound on his chest/lungs which helps break up secretions and gets them moving. Our nurse says it works wonders. They will do it 3 times a day for now. The pulmonary specialist also added in another steroid to help the lungs too. 

He is on 3 different diuretics to try and help him pee. He hasn’t peed much today and so they did an ultrasound on his bladder and he has 30 mls of pee in his bladder he is hanging on to, not sure how with so many meds trying to make him pee. He also isn’t pooping so his stomach is distended. The doctor added a med to help him poop and a suppository which isn’t helping yet either. They keep saying these things just take time. He will just let it all out soon. 


This evening my mom and I were hanging out watching Gilmore Girls, oops, I mean, the super bowl. ((Scott would be so disappointed)) and, my mom looked over and his breathing was very labored and so he was like panting and couldn’t catch his breath. As soon as we mentioned it the nurse called in a respiratory therapist and they tried for about 20 minutes to suck out mucus, adjust the vent settings, etc and nothing was helping. His blood gasses with CO2 were really high. They had to sedate and give muscle relaxers to paralyze him temporarily so he wouldn’t have to work so hard. The doctor described it as the feeling of being punched in the gut and the wind gets knocked out of you which I thought made a lot of sense. There were 4 nurses and a doctor in here at once all taking blood, giving meds, stopping feeds, stopping certain meds, suctioning him, reading labs, reading sats. It was crazy. My mom and I just sat in the corner helpless and in the midst of it all the doctor looked over at me and said, “welcome to the ICU.”

The paralyzing helped and he calmed down fairly quickly but now it’s been hours of slowly adding meds and food back in, making sure his sats stay level. His blood pressure was so low, he had a fever and his heart rate was high all day. 

The doctor is still coming in every hour to check on him and check his levels and make changes, it’s going to be a long night and a 2 coffee kind of day. 

It is mentally exhausting being here. 

It’s been like this insane roller coaster ride several times already and it’s only been a week. It’s constant ups and downs and it’s crazy here. It’s a constant realization that something could go wrong at any moment and I could lose the most important thing in my life. I know that’s true of anyone, any day, I would know because I already lost the most important thing to me. But, it’s so much more real here. It’s 1 nurse to 1 patient because he is so high need. They sit at a computer charting next to his bed and constantly have eyes on him. If they go to the bathroom, someone else comes and watches him. They have to leave lights on so they can watch him. It is called the intensive care unit for a reason. 

Scott was in the ICU that day too. I’m ready to be out of the ICU level and to the other side where it’s less care. I’m ready for him to be awake and look at him. I miss him so much, it’s the strangest kind of missing him. Until then, I’ll keep watching old videos of him. 

February 2, 2019

He is up to 18ml an hour for feedings, so close to the 23ml he was at before surgery but some of it is coming out the g-tube vent so they think the tube might have migrated back into the stomach from the intestines. They pushed it back a few millimeters and it’s been better today.  
His sats were low overnight but expected because of this new med he is on to replace the nitric oxide. 
He is a little more awake on this new pain med so his eyebrows are going crazy. We think he is speaking Morris code with his eyebrows to us. 
He hasn’t pooped overnight so he got a suppository today and had a big poop but now hasn’t pooped since. 
His vent rate is down to 10 and so he has done 2 c-pap trials today and passed both hour long trials. His blood gasses were ok after both so we may do another trial tonight for maybe 2 hours. 
The biggest news of the day is that I got to hold him!! It was one of the best moments of my life. Holding him for the first time when he was born was such a blur and I was so drugged up from the c-section and I was so out of it because it was so soon after losing Scott. 
There has been so much anticipation to getting to hold him and I just feel so bad for him and I just miss him so much. It was incredible. My mom was gone for the day so it was just Maxley and I. We cuddled for a long time and it was wonderful. I couldn’t stop crying. My mom came home while I was holding him too so that was nice that she got to see! 
His arterial line clasp cracked and so he bled everywhere and they had to redo the outside of the line. 

February 1, 2019

He looks like a different baby this morning. He has peed out a lot of fluid so he is looking more himself. He had another poop overnight and lots more today. 

His blood glasses are good and he is down to a rate of 20 from 45 for oxygen rate. And his % oxygen was 100% all day yesterday and it’s down to 40% and has continued to do well all day. 

We did another Echo to see how how the nitrate is helping and it looks great. We added in a drug called sildenafil which will take the place of the nitrate so we will wean him off the nitrate onto the meds. We were also looking to take out the central line from his neck and they put in a PICC line. We got the PICC line (IV that replaces central line to the heart) but he was bleeding a lot from his new PICC line and then his heart rhythm went wacky so they are leaving in the central line now. And had to rebandage the PICC line because it was bleeding so much. 

Once that comes out, I’ll be able to hold him. We were so close. 🙁

He has a lot of gunk coming out of his lungs so we sent bacteria back to get cultured yesterday and it came back positive for bacteria so we started an antibiotic but won’t know until maybe tomorrow what the strain is. 

He had an ultrasound on his urinary tract since he has reflux and need to be on antibiotic for that the urologist wanted to know if it was still the same or if it had improved at all. 

His feeds are up to 9 ml per hour and he is pooping constantly, no surprise there. 

He opened both of his eyes today and moved around more than I had seen him. He can’t see because his eyes are pinpoint and so things would be blurry and out of focus. They switched over his sedative so he is a little more awake but that’s not ideal so they are giving him bumps of fentanyl and he seems comfortable. 

He was grabbing at his tubes so I gave him his favorite stuffy toy that his cousin Brooklyn gave him named Glowie. It’s a light up glow worm that sings and so he started grabbing glowies hand instead of the cords. 

He also got his NG out. It was a tube like he had in the NICU for feeding except they used this for venting. So I can see his face a little better now which is nice. 

The necklace ace in the picture is from beads of courage. What is the Beads of Courage Program?

The Program is a resilience-based intervention designed to support and strengthen children and families coping with serious illness. Through the program children tell their story using colorful beads as meaningful symbols of courage that commemorate milestones they have achieved along their unique treatment path.

January 31, 2019

He had to go back on the pacemaker last night so that was scary to wake up to but he has been off again all day and doing great.  The pacemaker isn’t super concerning because they are lowering the meds that keep his heart rhythm so they suspected this would happen. His heart had a funky rhythm but is beating on its own. 

He was coughing up tiny amounts of blood so they were concerned about that. Also all of his labs and blood gas were getting worse and he was needing more and more oxygen. They came and did an echo on his heart. I think they were concerned the surgery didn’t work or that there is more leakage then they thought. We waited a few hours for the technician to come to the echo and then for the cardiologist to read the charts and come talk to us. 

It was a very scary afternoon. The waiting was unbearable and of course my head goes to the worst as this is what I went through with Scott. I could tell the nurse was concerned which didn’t make it easier on us. 

Long story short. He has pulmonary hypertension and so the blood vessels in his lungs have too high of pressure so they harden and stiffen. They are adding in Nitric Oxide to help the lungs and heart function better together. (just google it, I had to have the poor nurse explain like 3 times so this is the best I could do). He has this because of his size at birth and the congenital heart defect and possibly because of his genetic abnormality. They suspected this would happen. It’s not concerning at all. Phew. We added the nitric oxide in at about 3:30pm and it’s already made a huge difference. We were able to lower his oxygen levels and he seems much more comfortable. 

We also added in a nebulizer for a steroid today. Super normal and just another thing that will help relax the lung muscles and help him breathe better. 
He will probably go home on meds for the pulmonary hypertension and it will be several days before he could be extubated. They will need several days of tests before they know more. But we are in a much better place for Maxley and for me and my mom. 

The other concern is that his platelet levels are less than half of a normal low so he got a transfusion of platelets this morning. We will see what his levels are going forward wether he is using them by clotting or if he doesn’t create them. Clotting can obviously be a huge concern but we should know more in a few days. They can’t ultrasound the central line coming out of his neck until it is taken out to know if it is clotting or not so they have to go off of his numbers. Time will tell. 

The excitement of the day was that we started tophic feeds which just means slow. We started today at a rate of 3 ml per hour (.1oz) continuous in his intestines. So it’s just a drip, and when I say drip, I mean literal drip since it’s such a low volume into his intestines just to kinda wake them up. They will hopefully ramp up a bit more tomorrow. He hadn’t pooped since before surgery so they have to take it slow and wake up the bowels. He already has a teeny tiny poop shmear in his diaper today which is great news!! 

The only thing about starting feeds is that he has to go NPO (no feeds) for 6 hours before extubation. They worry about gagging and vomiting when taking the tubes out. They hadn’t started because we kept saying tomorrow will be the day but now we know it will be a bit so we can start. He is on his same formula he was on at home so that is good he won’t have to adjust. 

He is peeing better but he is still retaining quite a bit so getting him off some of his IV nutrition and adding food will also help get rid of the fluid. 

My sisters came up tonight and so they are the first to see him. We weren’t allowed to have anyone else bed side for 48 hours after and I really didn’t want anyone to see him like this but now that it will be another few days I didn’t want them to have to keep waiting as I knew they were anxious to see him. 

He was the most awake I had seen him. He had one eye slightly open but I doubt he could even see me out of it. He was wiggling his toes and kicking slightly and of course, pulling on his g-tube. Lol. He does that at home… maybe my boy is under all these tubes, wires and bloating. 

I miss him so much. I miss his smile and his laugh and his mannerisms. I miss his eyes and just holding and kissing him. I can’t believe it’s been 4 days since I have rocked him, hugged him or seen him smile. 

Man, you learn to appreciate what you have when you think you could lose it. 

January 30, 2019

He is still needing too much help from the breathing tube so I don’t think they couldn’t extubate today. His breathing was tachypnic which means fast and shallow when they did c-pap trial last night and again this morning to test if if he could come off.
They run labs every 2 hours to test the gases in his blood. Because he has shallow breaths his blood has volume was of 3 and they want it between 6-10. It is running more normal finally tonight but he is getting a lot of help from the vent still. 

In order to take him off the machine he will need to be weaned off his sedation meds and be awake so that will be hard. He will want to be held and will be in pain so that will be hard. 

We learned how to tell when he is awake and when he is asleep based off his heart rate and blood pressure so that’s good! We can watch that and when he is “awake” (again, still hasn’t opened his eyes) then I can go talk to him, sing to him and read! I do those things anyway but it’s nice to make sure he isn’t awake and just laying there in silence. 

I don’t know how to feel about all of this. He is so helpless and we have to pin his arms down because he grabs tubes and cords and could obviously cause a lot of pain so he just lays there when he is awake. You can tell when he is coughing and by that I mean silently wrenching but hardly any movement. There is a number on the vent that tells you if his lung pressure is high meaning his is trying to cough and they can stick a little tube down and pull up mucus and things to relieve him. 

Mom and I talk about how we hope he hears us talking to each other and the nurses and so he knows we are here. Tonight was the first time we both left the room and it was for about 25 minutes to go grab dinner at Ronald McDonald. The other times, it’s just one of us running down to the cafeteria or bathroom at a time. 

We have a bathroom in our room but can’t use it, Hospital policy, it’s only for patient use. I tried telling them that Maxley wouldn’t mind but they still won’t let us. 

The bathrooms are right down the hall so it isn’t bad but one has a shower so you wait forever for that or it’s all flooded when you use the potty. 

He did get his catheter out this morning, he still isn’t quite to the point of using the toilet, maybe in a week or two. 🙂 
They added in another diuretic as a drip instead of doses which should help get rid of some of the fluid and help with the breathing.  He is still on the positive outflow meaning he is retaining more than peeing out.  He is still very puffy but having more wet diapers. He doesn’t at all look like himself. I keep watching videos of him to remind myself of my sweet boy. The nurses don’t even think he looks like the same baby. 

He got his dressing off this morning so the scar can start to scab. It already looks really nice and we’re 2 days post op. 

His Kidney and liver enzymes are elevated we just need time for that to come down. It has already improved slightly since this morning. 

There is a Respiratory therapist that comes hourly. The doctors round 2 times a day with all the doctors, surgeons and specialists to make decisions. They recap each patient twice a day. The Surgeon comes in once a day as well as the cardiologist just to check in and tell us everything looks good. 

Maxley is still naked with just a diaper on. He has so many cords still and so clothes would be impossible. He also has many restrictions on being held and how we dress him for several weeks after going home. 

Tubes, cords and wires, from the top down:

He has his NJ feeding tube in his left nostril, he has an air vent coming out of his right nostril to release air from his stomach. He has the breathing tube coming out of his mouth and another air vent out of his mouth as well. He has a central line port on the right side of his neck. That is for certain drugs/ meds that can’t go in a regular IV. The central line goes right to the heart. There are actually 6 ports coming out of his central line. He has 2 wires coming out of an incision on each side of his chest still for the temporary pacemaker. Not sure when those come out but we are in the clear for needing a permanent one. He has 3 stickers on his chest that he had when he was in the NICU/ ICC to measure heart rate and what not. He has an IV port in his right arm. He has his G-tube that is releasing bile and acid from his tummy. He has a arterial (Art) line from the left side of his groin which they can use to pull blood at anytime for bi-hourly labs which is nice vs poking him and heel pricking. Then he had his pulse oximeter on his foot which he wears at home for oxygen levels and heart rate. 

That is 15 different wires coming out of his body as of today, if I’m counting right. Plus he has gotten rid of his catheter and his chest tubes. We can count down together. 0 = home. 

Mom and I have been sleeping pretty well. Although doctors and specialists are in constantly and the nurse stays in the room all night so the lights are on. But considering everything, we are getting sleep. We brought lots of snacks and have been snacking and eating good meals (I know everyone worries about us feeding ourselves). Not sure anyone could accuse me of not eating. 

We are slightly bored. I feel bad saying it. I’m trying to remember what the heck we did for 99 days in the hospital the first go round. I mean I know one of us held him most the time but what did we do when we weren’t holding him???? Who knows!! It’s kind of like how I wonder what I did with my time before I had Maxley. I can get an enormous amount of chores done in the 2 hours he would nap. More than I used to do in a weekend. Scott would be so proud. He was the chore doer for sure. 

Hoping tomorrow is the day!! 

Photo was from a session I had done at work on Thursday. 

January 29, 2019

Some lady who works in the unit woke us up at midnight to deflate moms air mattress. She said it was against fire code and we sat and argued with her for 10 minutes about how we had it for 14 weeks in the ICC and she did not care. We got up and deflated it and the nurse then went to ask the charge nurse to come talk to us. Turns out the first lady asked to come speak with us and the charge nurse said she could if we were awake, well we clearly weren’t! The charge nurse said we could blow it up again tonight since we didn’t have other options but we would have to discuss a new plan going forward. 

We are were so upset. We both can’t fit on the couch and the chair is really uncomfortable. But, this afternoon the patient care manager came in and said that we could keep it and apologized profusely for her behavior. 

My mom got woken up then at 5 by the x-Ray tech throwing a lead jacket over her body on the air mattress. She forgot where she was for a second and was startled awake. They do x-rays every morning at 5am on every patient in the unit.

Other than that we both slept pretty good. 

They rounded at 7 and decided he has too much fluid build up to extubate today. They will add diuretics to his lot of meds and hope he releases some fluids today. If he is puffy on the outside, his lungs could be retaining too and that’s not good. 

As of tonight he has good urine output so as long as his labs look good tomorrow and he stays on this trend, tomorrow will be the day. He still has positive fluid intake which means he is retaining more fluid than they are putting in which isn’t good, they want him to be negative at this point so we are working on that. 

He is “awake” but on lots of pain meds. He is flinching and moving his arms and legs. They have him pretty drugged but he is responding to pain and sounds. I still haven’t seen his eyes open. 

They took out his chest tubes today. They were these 2 little clear plastic balloon shaped things that came out of the middle of his chest right below the incision. They are to collect blood and drainage and he had very little the last few hours so they took them out. They were held in by stitches so the surgeon comes in and snips the stitches and pulls hard to get them out. They have long tubes connected to them and they sit on the ribs and can be very painful so everyone is pretty relieved to get those out. Maxley has a silent cry when getting them out and his face really flinched and you could tell it hurt. 

He got an NJ tube put in today so we can hopefully start feeding tomorrow. The NJ tube is like the NG tube he had in the NICU that goes up his nose into his stomach for feeds except it goes up his nose and through the stomach straight to the jejunum (intestines). It helps avoid reflux so they prefer that method vs to the stomach. They don’t feed until he is extubated because if he has anything in his stomach when they pull it out he could throw up and then aspirate and then get pneumonia. He is on lipids which are fats and TPN which is total parenteral nutrition which he was on when he was first born too before they fed him for the first time. He gets those through his IVs along with many many other drugs. 

One to control his heart rhythm which was out of sync, one for his blood pressure (blood pressures have a tight range because if the pressures are too high it can burst the stitches in his heart), 2 for pain/ sedation and 3 for his heart (whatever that means). The pain meds are bolus which means not continuous, he just gets bumps when he is in pain which they said is great! She said he seems comfortable without them which is comforting. 

All the nurses and doctors (so so so many doctors in and out of here) come in and say he is so cute, which he is, he is so cute. And I’m sure they are good and looking past the tubes and cords and wires but I keep wanting to whip out my phone and show them pictures so I went down to Geek Squad in the hospital today and printed some adorable Maxley pictures for the nurses to see him. They are hung outside his room and then on our cabinet so I can point to him. I also have a framed picture of Scott and I on a shelf so everyone knows he has a very special daddy, he just can’t be with him. I also happen to look fabulous in said photo which helps everyone see I’m actually a normal person not a horrible hospital monster. 

Our primary nurse from when we were here last time stopped up today to see him. She couldn’t believe how big he was and how much hair he has! 

I can’t wait to hold him again tomorrow. I hope tomorrow is the day but I will be patient. He made it this far and I told myself I don’t care what happens after this. If I got to keep him in this world with me a little longer, I will be patient. 

Pictures:

The one of Maxley smiling is right before surgery. He was so smiley and so happy. I don’t want to post pictures of him because honestly they are really scary. I will probably post them once he is better. 

January 28, 2019 – Open Heart Surgery

Update 4:

Last update of the day. 
Maxley is a champion. I can’t believe I’m his mommy. He is doing really well. He is still sedated and intubated. They are hoping to extubate him (take him off the breathing machine) in the next 12-24 hours. He is taking some breaths on his own just not consistently. 
My mom saw him lift his eyebrows when she talked to him! His blood pressure is a little high which means he is probably awake but not awake if that makes sense. I think he is starting to come off of the sedation. He could wake up anytime now. He has to be awake to extubate him because they have to know he will tolerate breathing on his own and not falling back asleep right away. 
He is fully off the pace maker so his NEW heart is fully beating on its own!!!!!! That’s amazing! He will not have to have a pacemaker placed which was an option to have to go back in this next week and open him back up. 
Today has been exhausting and we have a long road to recovery but the nurse is confident I can hold him tomorrow. I can’t wait. It’s so hard to see him laying there and not pick him up. 
Mom and I have been talking to him and can hold his hand. They suggested not rubbing him because it can mess with your sensory and nervous system when you’re coming off sedation. We are off to bed but they will wake us up in the middle of the night if anything changes. 
I want to thank Kaitlin, my sisters, my Dad and Step-mom for sitting with me today while we waited for news of our Maxley. Of course, I can’t thank my partner, my mom. She is the best rock during the worst times. It was a long but successful day. It could have had so many bad outcomes but we are hopefully on the ups! 
I dreaded another waiting for doctors day after what happened with Scott. I wasn’t sure what would happen today and I was honestly petrified. 
Thank you for the prayers. To all the people posting about me and Maxley and asking for prayers, we did it!!

Update 3

We finally made it to his room and got to see him. 
He looks so scary. It’s terrifying. Mom got light headed and I’m a little shaky from seeing him like this. He is a little puffy and heavily sedated. He has a breathing tube, temporary pacemaker, a vent from his g-tube, a nose vent, 2 ports from his tummy for bleeding, a catheter, a central line in his neck and an IV in his groin artery, blood pressure cuff, and oxygen monitors. Plus more tubes I don’t rememeber what she told me because it’s all just way too much. 
Our nurse is 1 to 1 so she stays in the room with us her entire shift, thank God. 
He literally beeps constantly. We thought it was a lot before but this is actually a constant fast beep. How will we sleep in here? She said they don’t shut the lights off and they aren’t quiet which is fine by me because he takes priority but it’s gonna be a long few weeks. 
The machines are still breathing for him. They may extubate in the next day or 2 but for now he can’t be held. We can touch his head, hands or feet. 
I ask for more prayers to get me and my mom through this. It’s rough to see your baby like this.

Update 2:

They are done with the repair part of the surgery and placed the temporary pacemaker. Everything looks ok. There is mild leakage. Which he can live with but may need to be repaired later. 
There is a couple hours more of closing him up and getting him off bipass but all looks good. 
I had to tell my cardiologist to smile when he came in because he is somber and scared the crap out of me every tine he came in.

Update 1:

Maxley’s surgery started a little late at 8am. It took a little longer to get him sedated and the central line and IVs going. So the actual surgery didn’t start until 9:30. The cardiologist came in at 10:30 and said he was officially on bipass. 
We just met out CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unit) nurse, Laura, who will take care of him today. 
They will try and update us a few times but I will post after he is out. 
Keep the prayers coming. 

Before Open Heart Surgery

January 12, 2019

Seven months old!

Today was an eventful day. My mom watched my niece, Brooklyn, for a few hours and so she left to run errands with her. I was feeling stir crazy so I took him out of the house. I have only taken him out alone a couple times and it’s only been to the doctor nearby. I went to Target with him for a few returns and we walked around the store for a bit. He hates the car seat but he did ok. I set him in the large part of the cart facing me and he just looked around. He has never been anywhere so it was a lot to take in. 

He did so well I decided to press my luck and go out to lunch with him. There is a local soup and sandwich place by Target and so we had lunch there. He did really well. He didn’t cry once the whole time we were out. He normally cries in the car and he didn’t even do that. 

It was a huge relief to know I can take him out and I can survive and better yet, so did he. It isn’t great for him to be out and about with getting sick but I am so careful with washing cleaning the cart off and sometimes I just HAVE to get out. It’s been just about 4 months since we have been home and it’s insane to think we haven’t been out with him. 

Scott and I were never home. We were always on the go and out with friends. He had a very busy job and we were both incredibly social and so this is a complete 180 from that. I understand having kids changes that, I do get that and I’m not naive to think we would still have our same social life but you can go out to eat or go to a friends house, or even your family’s house without a thought. 

I feel like I live in a bubble with him and it’s very isolating. My mom doesn’t mind being home for days on end without leaving the house and to be honest, it doesn’t drive me insane like it did Scott. He would want to go to target or the mall or anywhere just to get out of the house. He loved going out to eat, shopping, etc. I know it is best for Maxley to stay in and with my grieving it’s not as though I’m eager to be out and meeting new people or anything but to go Target for an hour and go out to eat with my baby felt so normal. 

The abnormal? Sitting in a booth on the same side as Maxley’s car seat and staring at the other side of the booth… empty. Scott and I have been to this restaurant before and it’s so easy to imagine us as a family eating here together on a Saturday afternoon. I’m sure we even talked about it when I was pregnant. We dreamt about our future a lot and had so many plans for our family. It’s so sad that none of them will come true. 

When people find out your pregnant, they say, “do you want a boy or a girl?” And everyone says, “it doesn’t matter as long as they are healthy.” Except, what if they aren’t healthy, then what? My dreams of a perfect, healthy child have now been crushed three times. First with the loss of my baby last summer, second when we found out Maxley had numerous health issues and third when Scott passed away. 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look at Maxley and see health issues. Hell, sometimes I forget he has an IV pole following me around and walk away without it. Don’t worry, Maxley reminds me real quick when I do that since it yanks his tube and I imagine hurts like a beast. And since he is my only, I forget babies don’t have these same issues. But, when I have had a horrible day and I’m missing my husband more than anything and then I screw up his tube feeding or forget his meds or forget to plug the other end of the tube and milk leaked everywhere and therefore hasn’t eaten in hours, I’m reminded that I’m held hostage to his mountain of health issues and that I would rather be on a beach with my husband sipping cocktails laughing about how badly we wanted kids. 

That’s the thing, we all take life for granted. We all want the next thing and the better thing and can’t appreciate what we have… until we don’t have it anymore. 

… The picture of him and I is 212 days pregnant and 212 days old. 

January 5, 2019

This is the update I have been waiting for. I can finally post it!!

Maxley slept almost 10 hours and only woke up once. He slept for a 6 hour stretch!!! 

Was that what you expected??? He has almost never slept more than an hour, a few times up to 3 hours and maybe once 4 hours. This is HUGE. I don’t want to jinx it but this is the 3rd night in a row where he has slept decent and when he woke up he went right back down vs sleeping for an hour and then being up for 2 or 3 like his norm. 

This is incredible. 

We apparently had to just not listen to the doctors. What did we do you ask?? He is sleeping flat. The doctors all said DO NOT lay him flat because of reflux but we got desperate and tried it and he slept. He doesn’t throw up more than he was. He does throw up a lot but it isn’t worse. He can actually reposition himself when he is flat on his back and so he can just keep sleeping. It’s amazing. He must have been so uncomfortable all these months in all these crazy positions we had him in. Poor guy. 

He still can’t suck on a pacifier but needs it to fall asleep. We just swaddle it in his sleep sack with him since we use a wubbanub which has a stuffed animal attached to the end. You can see it in a lot of pictures. He has all the different animals. But then spits it out and doesn’t want it after an hour or so anyway. 

The pump still goes off every 4 hours so I will still be up 3-4 times a night plus I hear him stirring and fussing and going back to sleep and stuff so I’m not near sleeping through the night but I can at least do it. It’s manageable. It allows me to take over and my mom to just rest. She has been sick for over a week and it sucks. 

Nursing is going really well we are just looking for more nurses. They are short staffed and they have to be an RN to apply. It’s a slow process but it’s moving along. Vivi is catching on and she is great with him. He is difficult but she loves him so that helps. 

Surgery is still set for January 28th. We need all the prayers we can get. I have no clue how I will make it through another day of waiting. It was too much with Scott and I can’t begin to imagine it with tiny Maxley. 

Please let us come out the other side of this stronger. 

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December 27, 2018

2 posts in one week. Wow! So much to update you on. 

Today was a crazy day! Our new full time day nurse started today, Vivi (pronounces Vee-vee). She will work 4 10-hour days for more coverage vs 3 12 hour days until we can find more nurses. 

Vivi arrived at 6am

Kaili OT came at 9:30

A woman named Viola came at 10:30 to interview for night nurse position

I left at 10:45 for massage

I got home at 12:30

Sonia, Maxley’s dietitian came at 1:30

Maria our nurse coordinator came at 2:00

Vivi left at 4. 

All of his appointments were about an hour and so there were overlaps. What a crazy day. 

In other news… Mr. Maxley Russell Ferguson is TEN pounds!!!! He is still in newborn clothes but I think I will get out his 0-3-month stuff tomorrow. So strange! It makes me a little sad. I think that’s why I wait to get the next size out. I hate that he is growing and the fact that I don’t get to do normal “baby” things with him. I am grieving so much and we are stuck at home so I just missed out on so much as a new mom and having a new baby. 

The last 6 months have been a blur and it makes me sad. He will likely be my only baby and I just hate how much I missed already. I try to take in every moment and appreciate it but it’s impossible. 

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December 26, 2018

Maxley was in the NICU 99 days, as of today we have been home 99 days! Left photo was minutes after he was born, the middle one is the day we came home and the right is today. Oh how he has changed! 

Today was a tough day because I’ve been sick with the flu. Thank god ((once again)) for my mom who took charge and let me rest. I’m feeling a little better but it’s been rough. Trying to stay away from him and mom. 

We got incredible news today… we have officially been approved for 24-hour in-home nursing care. We have a nurse coming at 6:00am tomorrow. Thank god. It’s insane to think that mom and I have been doing this alone at home for 99 days now and that they think he is needy enough for 24-hour help. They will re-evaluate in 60 days. For now we are thankful. 

Christmas was really hard. I miss Scott so much and little moments where I know what he would have said or I can hear him laughing, kill me. I miss him so much. He was my everything and I am still in shock that I have to walk in a world he is no longer in. I miss him. 

I’m off to bed in hopes of feeling better tomorrow. 

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December 22, 2018

The only update these days are trying to get him to sleep. His norm is between 30 minutes to an hour at a time, all night and during naps. He has only slept longer than an hour a couple times in the last month or so that I can remember. He wakes up crying, screaming and sometimes doesn’t calm down for hours. 

Woof. 

It’s been rough. Mom and I have tried every kind of sleeping arrangement we could think of. She takes first shift and wakes me at 3 and I take over from there or vis versa. Taking turns nights which sucks because then you don’t sleep at all. Taking turns getting up which doesn’t work because you lose track. This last week, she had been taking him most the night and then waking me around 5 and I just get up with him and then she can sleep for a few hours before I head to work. 

We have tried everything and nothing seems to work. Sometimes we end up sleeping with him in the chair in his room just to get some sleep. He is hooked up to a heart monitor so we would know if he were to slip down and not be breathing. We tried swaddled, unswaddled, pajamas, onesie, fan, no fan, sound machine, music, humidifier, rock and play, mamaroo, bouncers, chairs and everything else we can think of short of inverted. 

My mom brought him in on Friday because I had another appointment and the Dr consulted with his wife who is another Dr there and they said that sometimes the reflux meds he is on can actually cause stomach cramping so cut back and see how that goes. So, yesterday we did half the dose and are being very very careful not to lay him flat at all, which is a challenge. If you want to go to the bathroom or get coffee or something, usually we just lay a blanket down or something and set him on it but now you have to find some sort of contraption to put him in but hopefully it’s helping. Last night he slept in 2 hour chunks all night long!!! Wow. I hope you’re all smiling, I’m too tired to smile but maybe later. 

He didn’t wake up screaming and crying which did sound like he was in pain. When she said that about the meds it actually made sense because he seemed like he was in pain or having night terrors or something. Maybe we are on to something? I hesitate to celebrate because everything something works for a night it doesn’t work again. Today he did nap for 2 hours without needing us at all. That hasn’t happened in a long time! During the day it’s 40-60 minutes at a time, tops! 

He is a TOTALLY different baby during the day when he sleeps. Today, for like 40 minutes he just sat in his vibrating chair and looked around. You guys… this has NEVER happened. I don’t think he has ever lasted awake in a “contraption” as we call it for more than 10 minutes ever!!!!! 

Other updates…

Maxley is 9lbs 10oz. His weight has been stagnant so we will be increasing his volume here soon but were hoping to get his sleep under control. 

He is still in newborn clothes and they fit him perfectly! A couple of his onesies look like they might be too small in the next few weeks but still have a while left I think. He is in size 1 diapers. 

Did anyone see my update on Facebook about my surprise last night???

I had the most amazing surprise ever show up at my door last night. Kalie nominated me for Best Christmas Ever – BCE and I was selected. Tons of strangers came to my door and rang the doorbell, when I went to the door I was in shock. They all came inside and presented me with —>thousands<— of dollars in gifts, gift cards and services to make my life easier. I am still in shock! 

This was the most amazing surprise with my best friends and family around me. Kalie had the kindest words to say and I’m still not sure I deserve it. 

After the actual bus load (yes they came in a bus) of people left we sat around and opened all the gifts for my mom, Maxley and I.

It was incredible. This put a little night light in a dark dark year. 

Thank you to TITLE Boxing Club Lakeville, Best Christmas Ever, Ashley Thomas, Kalie and Codi for making this all happen!

https://bcemovement.kindful.com/bce2018/title-boxing-club-lakeville

Check out Title Boxing Club Lakeville’s Facebook Page for the video! 

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I know I am missing stuff, I am beyond tired and mentally exhausted. Does anyone have questions!? 

Wish us luck tonight. All I want for Christmas is sleep!

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December 10, 2018

Not much has changes this last week since I posted. He is still sleeping in his bed. Sometimes 2 hours at a time. It’s so nice. Although, when he wakes sometimes he is up for an hour or more so that’s hard. My baby monitor analyzes his sleep patterns and tells us how much he is sleeping and how many times my mom or I go in to console him. One night we had to check on him 30 times. 30 times!!! I’ll post the screenshot so you can see. Proof! 

The thing is, 2 hours at a time is so nice especially when he does it all night long! Friday night he did that and so I only had to go in 6 times and he slept quite a bit. I feel like he is happier during the day. He still doesn’t last long doing any one thing but he tolerates more and more. I can set him down on his play mat and he will look around for 10 minutes or so. He is learning to entertain himself. He doesn’t get as mad when he has a poopy or wet diaper. He can actually stay in it for a little longer so that’s cut back our 30- 40 diapers a day to 20-30? 

He has been napping pretty good which is helpful to get things done during the day. He is sitting on his own in tiny spurts. He does not last long at all but he can do it. 

One of my very good friends’ son, Isak, had his first birthday party on Saturday and those are the things you should bring your kid too. Like the perfect thing to be able to bring your child and not need a sitter (aka mom). But no, not my kid. He can’t go anywhere so if I want to do anything I have to ask for help, which I do constantly and is probably very frustrating for a certain someone’s mom. 

It’s hard because I feel guilty asking as she does more than any one person should be able to physically do yet she does it and more and has a smile on her face and she acts like she doesn’t hate me yet. She is either a really good actress or the most incredible human being to walk the earth. I have played charades with her and so I know it’s not the former. 

And the other thing is, I want to bring him. Maybe it’s stupid but I want to show him off and take him places. He is my baby and so cute and so loved and I wish I could have people meet him and love him. But instead he is stuck at home unless he is going to the dr or the chiropractor. Lame. 

It’s hard. I’m looking forward to spring/ summer to take him places and try and be a normal mom. Sometimes I don’t even feel like one because I can’t go anywhere with him. Someone is constantly watching him at my house for me. 

I tried on Tuesday to take him to the doctor by myself and he screamed for 2 hours straight. It’s so frustrating. He is so difficult. I know it’s not me either. I am usually SOO good with babies but he is a whole different story. I’m not sure he is even full baby. He might be half lion or some other angry animal. Luckily it was the hospital near my house. When we go to children’s in Minneapolis like tomorrow, it’s near impossible to go alone. He just screams the whole way there. He is drenched in sweat by the time you get there and it’s aggravating to listen to for 45 minutes. 

I swear I love this baby. It probably doesn’t sound like it and most days I don’t know how I’ll make it through another day but I swear I love him and I will fight for us. He is my family and I am all he has. 

Saturday was 6 months as a family of 2. I finally signed off on the final design for his headstone. There has been some back and forth with the designer and who would have known that this wasn’t a fun process? It’s a miserable one. I shouldn’t be thinking about headstones and symbols to sum up my husband or our life. I shouldn’t have to decide if I want my name on it or what font his name should be in. I’m 30. I have a newborn baby. My issues should be sleeping at night not what kind of marble should I choose. Every moment of everyday I can’t believe this is my life. 

 

 

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December 3, 2018

Maxley slept in his big boy bed last night for the first time! He did really well and slept in 3 hour stints all night which means we only had to go in a few times! Win!!

He napped in it on Sunday for the first time and so we thought, why not? Let’s try it! Him sleeping in my room clearly isn’t working so let’s try this. He is still hooked up to his heart and oxygen monitor so we know he is doing well in there. 

Nana Pam left on Saturday night and we were very sad to see her go. She was so incredibly helpful. She knew how to do everything and was on the ball with all of it. She loves Maxley too which is all I can ask for. She will hopefully be back soon after the holidays for another few weeks. I think (hopefully she agrees) that we just get along really well. She is super fun and easy to be around. She is patient, kind and understanding. 

As of Friday he was 9lbs 2oz. He is still in newborn size clothes but some are starting to get a little tight. The 0-3 seem so big, he swims in some of them! 

We got pictures with Santa and his America cousins on Sunday and then we surprised great grandma by stopping by and seeing her. He had never been to great grandmas and so she was so excited to see him!! 

Maxley hates the car seat and lets you know it. On the way out of my Grandmas neighborhood I got pulled over for turning my lights on late. My car is new and apparently I don’t know how to work the lights yet, I don’t know. Well Maxley was screaming bloody murder in the back seat and I couldn’t find my insurance card. The guy obviously took pity on me and let me go. I would have lost it if he gave me a ticket, might as well have. Cherry on top.

 

 

 

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November 29, 2018

Big news today. Maxley’s cardiologist called and they actually want to wait to do his surgery. He met with all 3 pediatric surgeons and they all reviewed his echoes and agree they should wait. It’s a good thing overall. I had mentally prepared to be going in soon so that part is tough but waiting until he is bigger is a good thing. Surgery is now scheduled for January 28, 2 months from yesterday. The only downside is now we have 2 months without care for Maxley. Pam is going home on Saturday to spend some time at home before coming back for another 4-6 weeks. Initially she would have come back at the beginning of January after surgery but now she won’t come back until mid March. 

Maxley didn’t sleep at all last night because he was off of his reflux meds for 2 days. His prescription ran out and it took his pediatrician and the pharmacy 2 days to get it together and get me the prescription. He was up all night coughing and gagging. He slept in maybe 40 minute chunks most the night I think. It’s hard to keep track of because he is up so often you lose track of when and how often. You think you’ll remember during the night but come morning the whole night is a blur. All I know is I was up 15 times or so and didn’t sleep until Pam came and took him out of my room at 6:30. Then I got to sleep for a couple hours before heading into work late. 

I got a call for Scott today on my cell phone. My heart dropped to my feet. It was someone calling about his medical bills which I haven’t dealt with yet. I had to tell the lady he died and I was his wife and I was trying to deal with it all and then hung up. Then I just stared for a while. It’s not the first call I got for him and it won’t be the last.

My heart is broken. I miss him so completely. I feel like a quarter of a person walking around. Nobody can tell I’m missing most of me. I look so normal on the outside but on the inside am hollow. 

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November 25, 2018

Maxley was Baptized today! 

His godmothers, Codi and Casie, and his godfather, Justin were there. His other godmothers, Randi and Megan weren’t able to make it down for the service. Grandpa Paul did fly down to see his only grandson get baptized. That was so sweet! With a missed flight and an earlier departure then planned, it ended up being a less than 24 hour visit but so good to see him. He couldn’t get over how big he is. 

After the service we had family and friends over to celebrate Maxley’s day. 

—-

Maxley’s appointment with the skin specialist went well on Wednesday. My mom took him to St. Paul and she gave us a second skin type ointment and we have to redo that twice a day. You have to soak his bottom to get it off and reapply. Then glob this cream all over his butt. She said we will have to do this process until he is potty trained. The whole thing takes about 15 minutes or so each time in addition to the 30-40 diapers we change a day it’s a lot of time. It’s looking a tad bit better but still looks so painful.

—-

Last year at Thanksgiving Scott told my family we were pregnant with Maxley. It was just a few months after our devastating miscarriage so they were cautiously optimistic. Holidays are hard. Everything reminds you of them everyday but for some reason holidays are special traditions and I miss him even more at those times. 

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November 19, 2018

Pam said Maxley cried all day. Which would make sense since he cried all night. 

Finally this afternoon my mom called the nurse line and they said anytime a baby isn’t themselves to take them in. An interesting concept. Makes sense in theory but he changes everyday. We might as well move back into the hospital. 

His pediatrician thinks it’s his diaper rash ((still)). She has never seen a diaper rash like this continue on so long. We are diligent about putting both of his prescriptions on and so we know it’s getting done. We switched to water wipes and use only one kind of diaper. We thought maybe switching so much was contributing to it. We have to try to get into yet another specialist at children’s hospital this week. She did say we could use Tylenol. We have been hesitant because our nurse who comes to the house said before you use Tylenol you should know why you’re giving it. Which totally makes sense. Since we don’t know why I didn’t want to give any. 

He was actually more himself for bits of time tonight. He smiles and cooed. We gave him a bath and just put him down. I’m hoping the Tylenol every 4 hours helps him sleep in more than 20 minute increments. 


I’m sitting here in the dark rocking him to sleep and watching his heart rate drop into the 120s so I know he is asleep and I can put him in his bassinet next to my bed. I’m sitting here holding Maxley and it hits me like a ton of bricks, like it always does, that Scott never got to meet his son. I know this to be a fact but sometimes it hits me in these intimate moments that he never got to meet this tiny incredible human we made together. It’s unreal. It’s unfair. It’s a nightmare. It’s my life. 

Also, unlike most people, if I want to “see” my husband I have to drive to a cemetery. I have to park, get out of my car, look for the stick in the ground to indicate his site and stand in the cold to talk to him. He can’t talk back and I can’t quite feel his presence but I feel closer to him there. It’s depressing and unremarkable since I didn’t get his headstone ordered in time. It can’t be installed until May. One day, Maxley and I will have a proper place to talk to his daddy.

 

 

 

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November 17, 2018

National Premature Awareness Day

Today was rough. He was up a lot of the night. I think around 2 Pam came and took him and stayed up until 8 when she came and woke me so she could go to sleep. She slept most the day so it was just him and I. 

He slept a lot of the day but when he isn’t sleeping he is screaming. His old turning purple screaming that’s a thousand times worse than nails on a chalkboard for me. Then this evening when I was home alone with him he screamed for an hour straight. Nothing I did would calm him and he could not be consoled. He just screamed so much he was drenched in sweat and purple. It’s so frustrating. It’s frustrating because I don’t want this life. I didn’t ask for it. I asked for a family and that’s not what I got. I got a baby. A very difficult baby. I don’t have the loving spouse who takes him in the morning so I can sleep in every once and a while or can walk away with him when he can tell I’m overwhelmed. I have 2 incredibly amazing moms in my life helping me take care of him and don’t get me wrong they do those things for me but it’s not the same. It’s not the person I chose to raise a kid with. I feel guilty when they help but too overwhelmed when I don’t. I just feel like I will never get to a place where I can do this alone. I’m trying so hard to learn to be independent. 

I always considered myself independent. My whole life I would classify myself as that. But being with Scott made me codependent in the worst way. We did absolutely everything together. He loved to run errands and we enjoyed doing that together. He made everything fun. So now, nothing is fun. I hate being on my own and despise all the tasks that come along with that. 

I get that having a baby changes your lifestyle. I get that you don’t get to go out or do whatever you want at the drop of a hat but when we decided to have a baby we had each other. Staying in on a Saturday night with our son sounded fun, we were ready for that. Doing nothing for a whole weekend was ok when we had each other. But now, I’m homebound and alone. Not yet but soon I will be alone just him and I, forever. 

It’s worse because I can’t bring him anywhere. I am so trapped in my own house. I was feeling antsy today and thought I could go do some returns or run errands but I can’t. I can not bring him anywhere without running the risk of him getting sick. It’s not worth it and since he was born at 33 weeks and spent 99 days in the NICU, he has zero immune system. Any tiny bug could be fatal. 

I’m a prisoner in my life and in my home. I’m so unhappy it’s painful.  

I go to work which is a great escape but I come straight home. I have groceries delivered so I don’t have to go out and I don’t go hardly anywhere. 

Enough of me complaining. It’s all I do now. 

. . . 

On Friday my mom took him up to Children’s Hospital for his cardiology appointment. He didn’t need another echo and our doctor said he looked great and “so cute.”  We did get his surgery scheduled. He has to confirm with our surgeon that the dates are 100% final but we’re pretty sure it’s set. December 18th. We will check in December 17th and have 12 hours of tests and labs, etc. to get ready for the next day. Tuesday morning they will take him back early and it will be an 8 hour surgery. 

Sounds like he could be in there up to 3 weeks but most likely at least a week which means we will be there for Christmas. Fine with me. I would like to skip the holidays all together for a very long time. 

Friday evening our nurse came and administered his RSV shot. It’s a 5 part monthly shot he will get until March. They deliver it in the morning and it stays in the fridge until they give it. It’s extremely painful and I’m sure why he is miserable today. She went over cost with us and this shot alone would cost $3,000 but insurance covers it. He is covered because of his low birth weight and his heart condition. He is at high risk of getting RSV which is deadly in any baby. 

If he gets sick before surgery at all, the surgery is cancelled which is not good. We will be extra cautious until then. 

. . . 

Off to bed. Pray for me.

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November 15, 2018

I found out I was pregnant a year ago today. It was 5 o’clock in the morning. I had been waking up at that time for about 2 weeks. One of the many reasons I knew I was pregnant. Two days before was the first day I should have been able to tell that I was in fact pregnant but was still getting a negative. I was on fertility and this was pregnancy #2 and so I knew my body enough to be very sure I was. I just needed confirmation. 

I got up to pee at 5 and took a test as I had been doing for most of the last year and a half during that part of my cycle. It was positive!! Scott was lying awake as he always was, waiting for my response, as I crawled into bed and said, it’s positive! We had over 90 negative pregnancy tests and it was so nice to see a positive again. We were scared but hopeful. 

A week later at thanksgiving, Scott told my family we were expecting a baby. Who knew he wouldn’t live long enough to meet him. 

God I hate this. I literally can’t believe this is my life. I’m laying he writing this alone in bed as Maxley whimpers in his bassinet next to me. We deserve to have him here. 

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Maxley has taken to sleeping in 40-60 minute chunks at night. He doesn’t want to do more than that because he doesn’t like us to get too comfortable in bed and forget about him. It’s been an exhausting, long week of appointments at the hospital and no sleep. He got his G-Tube changed out today at the hospital. They do it in the clinic and they teach us how to do it. 

He is getting more active and more chatty. He likes to lay on his back and kick as long as you don’t leave him too long, heaven forbid. 

We are supposed to schedule heart surgery tomorrow so that decides a lot of the next few months of our life.

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November 9, 2018

I officially have an 8lbs baby!!! Crazy that it’s just in time for him to be 5 months old. 

5 months old means 5 months from yesterday…

5 months was the longest that we ever went without seeing each other in person. I thought that time was the longest 5 months of my life. This has obvious felt like a lifetime. I can not believe it’s only been 5 months and yet it feels like yesterday. I still forget every single day. 

This morning when we woke up I was able to sit him up in the boppy and he sat and watched Trolls on my bed while I get ready. Parenting win! That’s never happened. From the minute we wake up he is antsy and crabby and needs to be held. This was a nice step. He did it a little the night before too. I think he can see further and therefore he is able to entertain himself more by taking in his surroundings. 

We have lots of appointments this coming with up at Children’s hospital including THE appointment where we schedule his surgery! I guess I’m looking forward to knowing when. It’s the #1 question I get asked so I will like having an answer and knowing myself. 

 

 

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November 7, 2018

Maxley’s sleep these days is really hit or miss. Although when I told my coworkers that he slept in 2 hour chunks and that got me excited her jaw hit the floor. Maybe we have some work to do. Monday night he slept in 45 minute intervals so I call 2 hours a win. Sometimes it’s 3 hours so it’s not terrible. It’s my normal. It is SO cheesy and everyone tells you this but I cant remember that old life when I used to shut my eyes at night and open them in the morning.

My old life seems like a lifetime ago. 5 months tomorrow since everything changed. From that day forward I know I won’t get a good night sleep without waking up in excruciating pain from missing the other half of me. 

“The one whom my soul loves.”

He does seem to get happier, more relaxed, more flexible as days go on. Depending on his mood we can lay him down for a few minutes and he will coo and kick until he realizes he could cry and someone would come get him. It’s fun to see his personality shine through. Sassy like mommy for sure. I hope he is kind, giving and loves unconditionally like his daddy. 

Pam is doing so well. She really took to it quickly and I hope she is enjoying her bonding time. I was hoping she could get him on a good schedule while she was here but he has other plans for her. For the most part he has his naps and we will get better at making sure he sticks to them. He always has a better night when he napped well. 

I got fall photos done on Friday and got them back yesterday!! They are amazing!! Thank you Amy!!

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November 3, 2018

Tasks these days are monumental. I cleaned out the pantry today and a stupid box of pudding hit me like a ton of bricks. Scott was diabetic and of course loved treats. He loved those pudding snack packs but butterscotch was his favorite and they didn’t make it in sugar free. He checked every time and I mean every time we went to the grocery store to see if they somehow came out with it since last week when we were there. Well one day I saw that they had sugar free butterscotch pudding in a box that you could make. I bought him a box and told him I would make it for him. I never got to. 

I can’t imagine how I’ll ever go through his things. He was so proud of his things and worked really hard to buy them. He loved to shop. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. I miss his laugh and I would give anything to hear him laugh when Maxley does something cute or funny. God it’s so hard to know he never got to see his face or to know how incredible his son would be. 

It’s not the same that he is looking down on us. I needed him here next to me to help me love him. It’s too hard on my own. Life is too hard without my person. The best guy I know. The best person I know.

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October 31, 2018

Happy Halloween! 

Maxley couldn’t decide what he wanted to be so he had several costumes!! 

It was a fun night with family. I miss Scott. He should be here. He would have been drooling over Wyatt as a hedgehog and loving Brooklyn as a jellyfish. I just can’t enjoy like I used to. It’s not fair to Maxley. I handed Brooklyn a picture of Scott and I on an iPad case I gave her and she kissed him. It took everything in me not to break down. She is so caring and so loving and he should watch her grow up. He was so in love with his nieces and nephew and it breaks my heart they won’t know him like I do. I think with Maxley, people will talk about his dad because it’s his dad but with Brooklyn and Wyatt, they just won’t know him as well I guess. Lotus will hear about Uncle Scottie from his mom and family in Canada. 

It kills me to think that Uncle Scottie is this hypothetical mythical figure that they don’t really know or remember. We will all talk about him but I can’t believe they won’t really know him. 

All my friends are posting family Halloween pictures and pumpkin carving as a family and I’m over here trying not to drown in grief. It’s so painful that everyone else gets to move on and they all have. I hate that I can’t be sensitive to other people’s problems and complaints but their issues seem like nothing to me with what I’m going through. I just hate this person. She isn’t the caring, sensitive, person I used to be. I’m just angry. I’m angry alone at night and in the car driving to work or in the shower. I’m sad and I’m angry. I don’t see an end in sight. It’s never ending ocean and I’m in the middle just looking for a branch to stay afloat. 

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October 30, 2018

Someone said to me once that I live a Charmed Life. I actually took offense to it. I came home that day and called my sister, Casie, and told her how much it annoyed me. We talked about how things aren’t handed to anyone and you have to work hard for what you have. 

I couldn’t say I disagreed with the statement because my life was perfect. It really was. I had a job I loved, Scott had a job he loved and was successful. We could afford to do what we wanted and buy what we needed. We were expecting a baby and bought a house. We were over the moon in love. All was perfect. 

NONE of those things were handed to us. We both worked hard at our jobs and were at the top of our sales game. We saved and worked hard to buy what I call our realistic dream home. We did fertility and tried for almost 2 years to conceive a baby after losing our first precious angel. We worked at our marriage to stay friends, in love and happy! 

Of course we didn’t tell anyone we were trying to have a baby or that we had lost our first one. I didn’t mention how much we were trying to save for a house on top of crippling student loan debt and paying for our very expensive immigration lawyer. 

But isn’t that the point? I always had a smile on my face. I woke up everyday grateful for what I had. Sure I would cry at night to Scott about wanting to be a mother or miscarrying our first child. I would cry when I had a bad day or was frustrated with life, we all do. But overall it’s the mentality you put out into the world. 

The statement of having a gifted life bugged me just because I show up to work or to see friends or wherever with a smile on my face or bubbly doesn’t mean I don’t have my own shit I’m dealing with to. 

I think I’m an overall happy person but I find it harder and harder these days to smile and find good in things.

 

October 29, 2019

I have a happy(er) baby! 

I really think the reflux meds are working and must have been the reason for all the crabbiness since he was born. He didn’t really have a ton of “episodes” until more recently but I’m guessing he was always in pain now that he is acting more like a normal baby. He is smiling so much more. He likes to kick and sit in a bouncy chair more and more. It’s so fun to watch him just kick and squeal. I think his attention span will get longer and longer with chairs and swings and things now that he is figuring his limbs out. 

This is a happy baby. He still has his moments (who doesn’t) but I think he is getting there. Pam said he had a really good day today and he has been having longer stretches of sleep at night. 

He had a good weekend and has been napping well which means good nights for me! 

Saturday my mom had him all day while Pam and I along with Scott’s roommates and their wives took a big van up to St. Cloud for a football game. Their last home game of the season and Pam and I got to be honorary captains and got to be there for the coin flip. As we walked to the field they read some really nice things about Scott over the intercom and what an asset he was to the team and it was so nice. He was such an amazing player with such drive. God I miss him. 

Yesterday my mom and I cleaned out the garage. The boxes from his desk at work were there, his gym bag, golf bag, everything just as he left it. It was hard. I had to stop and remember to breathe several times. It’s so overwhelming looking at all of his things. He worked hard to have such nice things and even the thought of getting rid of it one day makes me lose my breath. His clubs were his prized possession and I may just keep them forever. I wonder what he would think of me just selling off his things or donating them. It makes me sick to think about. He can’t be gone, he must be coming back. Just about everything he owns has a story. I have a reason for everything of why I can’t part with it. 

I can’t believe he isn’t coming back to me. I miss him so much I ache. 

I love you Scott, Maxley and I both love you. 

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October 26, 2018

Busy day today. M slept pretty well and woke me about 7:30. At 9:30 his occupational therapist through the school district came and went over the plan going forward for his care and for the other specialists. After that we put him down for a long nap and I was able to get some work done.

He napped for a few hours and then we had to go back up to Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis for her Maxley’s blood draw. They tried on Monday at the pediatrician but they couldn’t get enough blood which is normal for him. They said at the dr that they couldn’t do an IV poke because he was so small so we had to go back to Children’s. When we got there it took forever to check in and then they ended up just doing a heel poke. It’s way better for Maxley but how annoying for his to drive 45 min up there and expose him to hospital germs and 45 min home for something they could have done 5 minutes from my house. 

After we got home the home nurse Jenny came and weighed him and did his vitals. He is 7lbs 6.5 oz. he is growing more rapidly now which is great! He is spitting up less with the reflux meds so he is really improving. Before he was gaining about 15grams per day and now it’s about 23!

It’s been a long few days, off to bed early. 

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October 25, 2018

Good news!! I am beta testing the new CaringBridge app and I can add more than 1 photo to an entry!!! (Just kidding, the app is worse and won’t let me add photos.) 

… get ready people!! 

Pam said Maxley was much better today with spitting up and he has a good night last night too! 

He went to the Chiro today with my mom and she worked on him a lot. She said that he was looser which is great. I think it’s helping!

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October 24, 2018

I worked from home today because my mom had an appointment for a plumber to come to her house. 

At 10 Kaili, his OT through a program called Capernaum which was set up with the hospital (not to be confused with Stacy his OT that comes through the school district) came to work with him. She is the one who thinks he has a sensory disorder which totally makes sense. We did tummy time, she stretched his neck and cheeks, and worked on calming him when he gets “blue face,” as she calls it. We set long term and short term goals and it will be fun to watch him progress. 

I am looking forward to finding out what calms him and hope that we can work to keep him calm and prevent his outbursts all together. He does seem less gaggy to me today and last night so maybe the meds are starting to work!!?

He slept well last night but had a few poopy diapers that he gets up for and then his feedings of course. He beeped for about an hour straight at around 1 and then he was good the rest of the night. Overall his sleep seems to be progressing. 

At 4 we had his 2nd of 4 immunizations for his 4 month. I space them out every other day so he got one on Monday, one today, one on Friday and the last one Monday. It’s a nice quick appointment at the clinic near my house where we see his pediatrician. Nana Pam came with but I think Maxley handled it better than she did. 

I think my mom moved out today. She didn’t say so but I saw her carrying bags to her car… and she slept at her house tonight. She will be back tomorrow since Maxley has a chiropractor appointment but otherwise I think this is it except doctor appointments. It’s step one of single parenting. I dread it. Pam is here for a while but will have to leave eventually and then it’s just me. All alone, day in and day out with him. I truly don’t know how I’ll manage. He is a lot and he is stressful. I’m not mentally capable to do it all. I guess “we’ll figure it out.”

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October 22, 2018

So much to catch up on. It has been 3 days since I posted and I bet you all feel like it’s been a lifetime!

So much had happened. My mother in law, Pam, or Nana around here, flew in first thing Saturday morning! She hasn’t slept in weeks thinking about coming and seeing Maxley. Maxley and I are so excited to have her here and know she will bring a little of his daddy here with her. I have always loved Pam and I feel like we get along really well. I have always considered myself very lucky in the in-law department. 

She held Maxley all day Saturday and was in Nana heaven. At 3:00, Maxley’s primary nurse, Chris, came to watch him while we went to the benefit. I am beyond lucky to have her. That was such a gift. I wasn’t worried about anything. I knew she had it covered and if something went wrong she would stay calm and call me or call 911, whatever she needed. She said she had a blast and just rocked him. He is so fussy these days that I do feel bad but hopefully he was decent enough. He still loves to cuddle so that’s nice. 

The benefit was incredible!!! We had well over 300 people come to support, amazing! Thank you. Thank you to everyone who came, donated, volunteered, bought silent auction items, said hi, and all of the above. I felt the love that night. I can’t believe all of those people came for me and my son. They came because Scott was incredible. He was so amazing, people assume I must be pretty great for someone so cool to chose me. We raised over $18,000! I can’t believe it. I had no idea of any expectation of how the night would look but it far exceeded anything I thought. I am so blessed to have so many people take their Saturday night to come and show love. 

I really want to do this every year but not do the fundraiser part. Just have people get together and love Scott, remember what an amazing person he was and what a legacy he left behind. It will probably be around the same time next year. 

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Sunday morning I had a baby shower for my big sister in my sorority! She is having a little girl and due in just a few weeks! It was really fun to see everyone and think about her sweet baby girl coming into the world. 

The rest of Sunday was spent watching Nana cuddle Maxley and she clearly can’t get enough. He slept terrible both Saturday and Sunday night. I tapped out at 3am or so this morning and my mom and Pam were racing in here to see who could get him first when he cried. I could get used to this but know I can’t. 

We started teaching Pam his meds, feeding schedules, the pump, his diagnosis, medical equipment, his schedule, what to do when… and I think we scared her a little. He is overwhelming all at once. He is a lot and she is the first person to be alone with him besides mom and I. Randi was so very helpful and got it down but wasn’t ever alone with him so we didn’t have to explain what he acts like when his glucose drops or when to give meds, we just explained as we went. Randi was the first other person to stand up and walk with him, to change a diaper or any of that, it’s all been my mom and I up until now. I welcome the assistance. 

So today Pam did the meds and the feedings with my moms supervision. She put him down for naps and learned how to turn his monitor on and what to do when it beeps. She already has most of it down and has been such a help! It’s hysterical watching the 3 of us tag team this tiny human. 

for example: Tonight, mom and I gave him a bath which takes 2 people with his cords and all that. So her and I are doing that and Pam is doing his pump and meds and he is screaming and we are all running around frantically in my bathroom trying to calm him. He runs the universe and I think he knows it. 

His diaper rash still hasn’t cleared up but the only thing that seems to be working is yogurt. Plain yogurt. Weird. We started yesterday and it’s working! So we were trying to slap yogurt on his tush and brush his hair while the other dries him off and starts his food. We are a sight to be seen. No wonder they had a whole nursing team at the hospital! 

I keep saying this but I have NO idea how I will ever do this alone. It will be so lonely and so hard. I dread the day. 

Until then, I will rely on the couple people who are offering to help take care of him. I need it.

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October 19, 2018

Big day today!!

Maxley is ((drumroll)) 7 POUNDS!!!! What!????? 

I am not sure how this happened!! Seems like it happened fast but let’s look back…

2lbs June 15
3lbs July 3
4lbs July 30
5lbs Aug 16
6lbs Sept 24
7lbs Oct 19

Some jumps have taken a lot longer than others for sure. This means he had surpassed 3 times his birth weight of 2lbs 4oz and is still somehow in preemie clothes. My mom did start putting him in newborn some this week and it’s not horrible! 

The other big news is that he giggled for the first time. I was making a funny noise and holding him in front of my face and he sorta laughed which he had never even done and then I asked my mom if that counted as his first giggle and I kept making the noise and he legit giggles. It was the best noise ever. He was being fussy and I was just trying to get him to stop crying!! Makes me happy. 

Randi left this evening to head back home. We had a great week even though I feel bad we didn’t get to do anything fun. She said she knew what she was signing up for when she came. She was so helpful! It’s hard because my mom was here everyday with her when I was at work but my mom can work then if Randi takes over M duties. It was so nice having her here. Makes me wonder what life would be like to have in laws in the same town as them. I envy those people. I know a lot of people don’t like their in laws but at least they have their love and support close by. 

We had the dietitian from our medical supply company come this afternoon to talk to us about her plan for him and about 2.5 minutes after she left the OT from capurnum came to asses him too. It’s insane how many people come to the house to work with him, we might be at 10 now?

Kaili is from Capurnum and she thinks that Maxley has a sensory disorder. Because he always needs to be held and the way he overreacts to certain situations she thinks he might be. She will keep looking into us and help with exercises we can do to help him feel secure and safe and what not with this disorder. Just pile it on the list of more shit. Poor kid. If someone could let me know when my break time is that would be great! Even the shittiest jobs get a 15 but I can’t seem to catch one. 

My mother in law comes tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing her of course but also getting a routine going and having Pam up to speed on things. Randi did such a good job but she was the first person to do anything for Maxley except hold him. She was the first to change his diaper or ask how to make a bottle or do his meds. She put him down for naps and calmed him when he cried. It was amazing having another set of hands who know how to calm him when he is losing it. 

Randi is so funny. She said she would be holding him and he would be crying. She wouldn’t be able to calm him and would feel like she was doing something wrong or that she “broke the baby” but then she would look up and my mom and I and we wouldn’t even acknowledge that anything was wrong so she knew she was doing ok. She told me she thought if she was really screwing it up, we would come take the baby or correct her but she was a natural! An amazing aunt!

 

October 18, 2018

Again, Maxley slept almost all night but beeped a lot. At 5 my mom came in and let me go into her room and sleep. He was very spitty and vomited a lot today. He started reflux meds so either that is causing it or the meds are coming right in time. 

Codi and Casie came over after dinner and helped finish some silent auction stuff. People have been so generous. It’s amazing to see the donations ask auction items. I am very lucky to be so loved. I hope Scott feels it too. 

My mother in law, Pam, flies in early Saturday and she is VIBRATING at the thought of holding him again! Randi was excited because this was her first time holding him. Last time she saw him he wasn’t even 2lbs and I wasn’t letting anyone except me hold him. She was so excited to finally cuddle! She thinks he looks big which is funny to me!

Tonight after work, I took Randi to see her big brother. The cemetery where Scott is at is right by my moms and close to my house. We stopped and talked to him and it was nice for her to see where he is at. I didn’t get the headstone orders in time so it will come in May. Hopefully in time for the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. 

He napped with Randi most the day since he was so spitty they didn’t want to put him to bed upstairs for his He has been very fussy and nothing really settles him long. We will see how tonight goes.

 

October 17, 2018

Today began (does the day ever start if you didn’t sleep? It’s more like yesterday never ended) with me giving up at 6 am and getting up with him. He actually slept most of the night but he beeped, boy did he beep. I would wake him and flip him and clean out his nose, etc. Then today, Dr. Beissel, Maxley’s cardiologist, said not to wake him and the beeping isn’t that important. He was surprised that we went home with a pulse ox and so we don’t need to wake him, we just keep it on to know he is breathing but we will just have to let it beep. As long as he is propped up and nothing is covering his mouth or chocking him, he is fine. Let the beeping continue. 

Echo was the same, no real changes. I did request to put him on a reflux med. That should hopefully help the beeping (for my sake) and help the worsening spitting up. We got the prescription today and it will take a few days to kick in. 

I worked from home the rest of the day and then tonight Codi brought the kids over for dinner and to play. I miss them so much. Scott and I were used to seeing them at least once a week. They change so much.

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October 16, 2018

Last night was another long night of desaturating. He actually slept through the whole night! He didn’t wake up once for a diaper change or anything. I had to keep nudging him and turning him to get his oxygen up and he was out!! 

Honestly, I probably should have brought him to the hospital to get on oxygen but it only lasts a few hours and then stops. Clearing his nose helped for a bit so I didn’t think it was his heart. 

I don’t know. I was too sleep deprived to make a good decision and parenting alone sucks. It’s hard. I have to make decisions on my own and I hate it. I don’t want to be solely responsible. I get that parenting is that exact thing but when I chose to become a parent, I had a partner. The BEST partner in fact. We were such a great team and I know he would have been the ying to my mommy yang. 

Life sucks. 

My mom slept at her house last night (yes she does still have a home) and so she came over at 7:30 this morning to take him so I could sleep for a couple hours before going into work. 

Randi has been so helpful during the day so my mom can work. She puts him down for naps, takes him on walks and loves him like an amazing aunt would. She said he looks like Scott and that makes me happy but it’s hard to see her with him knowing Scott never will. It’s so unfair. 

Off to bed. He has already dipped and beeped so here goes another long night. 

Picture was from yesterday. It was pregnancy and infant loss day. I posted this on Facebook:

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day.

Maxley is our sweet little rainbow baby.

Scott and I lost our first baby August 18th 2017 at 9 weeks along and just 3 days after hearing the heartbeat. That baby made us parents. I’m so sad Scott didn’t get to meet either baby in this world but I’m glad they have each other in the next one and Maxley and I are together until we all meet again.

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October 14, 2018

Aunt Randi is here. In Canada they say Ant, here we say Awnt. She will be Awnt Randi to Maxley. 🙂

She flew in this morning and she spent the morning cuddling little man. My mom was up all night with him because his oxygen levels keep de-sating all night again. It goes in phases and so we will see what the cardiologist says on Wednesday. So she slept just a few hours while Randi and I caught up like sisters do. 

We went over to my moms in the afternoon, Maxley’s first time at Grandma Terri’s! We were organizing donations and getting ready for the silent auction. 

I think all 4 of us were ready to go to bed early but of course that never happens when it comes time to do it. My mom is staying tonight until Randi gets the hang of helping and what Maxley needs and then she may be relieved of her duties for a while! 

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October 13, 2018

We started our morning by going to the Chiropractor. He didn’t cry in the car for once but cried (screamed) the whole time we were there. He didn’t cry on the way home either. He came home and napped and I got a few things done, not including the nap I told myself I would get. Then we left the house around 3 to go meet my sister, brother-in-law and my niece and nephew for pumpkins in the park in Shakopee. It was free for adults and babies so we just got to go alone and watch Brooklyn play in the bouncy castle, pick a pumpkin, etc. Of course Maxley had to get in on the fun too! He was so good and just slept in his car seat the whole time! He didn’t cry to or from the park either. He is hard to bring places because of the cords but because he is fed constantly, it’s easy to go places when you don’t have to worry about feeding or timing of that. 

After that they all came over and ate dinner and hung out. It’s fun to see the 3 cousins playing together! 

Mom and I gave him a bath and it’s off to bed!! His Auntie Randi flies in tomorrow for a week and we can’t wait!!!!!

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October 12, 2018

Home Sweet Home. 

I had a great trip in San Antonio with great coworkers. It was productive and fun! I left very early Tuesday so I didn’t get to see Maxley and then I got home late last night so I didn’t get to see him then either. 

He woke up this morning at 6:45 am when a police officer was pounding on my front door because my security alarm had been tripped. He was up most the night with my mom so I took him downstairs and let her sleep a little. 

When she came down I went into work. I was so happy to see him awake and lively when I get home. The nurse was just leaving when I walked in. He is 6lbs 10oz!! He is getting big but looks so small still! He is still in preemie clothes and newborn diapers. 

It was fun to cuddle him all night even though he was fussy! He is 4 months old today!!

His oxygen levels desaturated all night and today (as I write this he dipped). We called the cardiologist and since we go back in for an echo on Wednesday anyway, he said to just watch it and wake him when he drops. That’s not a problem because the beeping usually wakes him anyway!

 

October 8, 2018

I went back to work today. It was weird leaving Maxley here with my mom when I left. Normally when I went to work, she would be in the hospital and have lots of help. Now she is on an island. She is so patient and a great mom (obviously, look how I turned out, ha!) so I know she will do a great job with him. It’s easy since she has moved in anyway. It’s not as though she would have to come over in the morning although that will be the plan eventually. 

One day I would like to get to a point where someone comes during the day and I go to work and when I come home, they leave. I know that will be so hard and incredibly lonely but I want that independence. I know I can do it, I’m just now where near ready. I know I keep saying it but it’s so hard when he is so fussy and wants to be held. My mom will agree, it’s hard to get work done unless you put him down for a nap. Which, if he isn’t interested in, there goes your day. 

His diaper rash blistered and is peeling so we took him to the pediatrician when I got home from work and we got a prescription butt paste that should help. We were using a combination of diapers so we are sticking just to pampers which he was using in the hospital. We had been using some Target brand and some Huggies and so hopefully that helps too!

I am actually off to San Antonio in the morning for work until late Thursday so I just said goodnight to little man and won’t see him until Friday morning. It will be a long 84 hours. The trip will be fun since it’s for my new role and the people I’m going with are really fun! 

Today was 4 months since Scott passed and is also Canadian Thanksgiving!! I received some beautiful flowers at work and a thanksgiving book from my very good friend, Marie so that was sweet. It’s a rough day. I’m reminded everyday but these milestones get harder because I can’t believe this long has passed. I’m physically ill at the thought. It also sucks because Wyatt turns a month older on this day and so it’s happy and sad that it’s another month that Scott missed of his favorite nephews life. 

I won’t be updating while I’m gone and I’ll be just as curious as everyone else what is going on with Maxley!

Good luck Grandma Terri!

 

October 7, 2018

Maxley still has bad diaper rash so we are still trying to help that as much as we can. It is blistering so we will probably have to take him in. 

He took a short nap and a really long nap so I am still figuring out his schedule. 

Me and a group of friends went out for dinner tonight for Canadian thanksgiving (tomorrow). Scott and I have hosted the last 3 years, since he moved here. We make a big ham and everyone brings a side dish but I just wasn’t up for hosting and don’t want all the germs around Maxley either. It was nice to get together and we toasted in Scott’s honor. I rest easy knowing he knew how loved he was. I am lucky in regards to my friends. I have THE best friends. All of the nurses said that too because my friends and family just never stopped coming. I had someone there almost everyday for almost 100 days. It’s amazing! 

I wouldn’t be as sane (if you can call it that) without them. 

My friends know who they are. Thank you!

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October 5, 2018

Occupational therapy and physical therapy came this morning from the school district. They are still working up a plan for him and will present that to us in a couple weeks. They will let us know how often they need to come and what they plan to do. He is in this “help me grow” program until age 3. 

They go off of his adjusted age until 2 years old. The adjusted age is how old he would have been if I carried to 40 weeks. He is 10 weeks adjusted. Most of the doctors and nurses and anyone who comes to the house asks. They say preemies tend to act their adjusted age more than actual age. He tends to act more of his actual age. It is behind on some things too. It will be a nice program to be a part of! 

After that mom and I (and Maxley) ran to the courthouse to file documents for my house and do some other things which took a bit and is so depressing. 

After we got back, our nurse came to weigh him and do his vitals. He is 6lbs 6oz! 

Maxley has the worst diaper rash right now. We had his tushy out as much as possible today to air it out and help it heal. He missed both naps today and so I hope that means he will be too tired to bug me all night.

 

October 3, 2018

Maxley had a long night. I had put him down both 10 and he was up about 4 times before 1. At 1:00am I waved the white flag and called for backup… “Mom!” I’m not too old to need my mom. 

I was home alone most of today because my mom had a work think almost all day. He took a 2.5 hour nap from 10-12:30 and he got up just in time to leave for our first ever solo trip! I brought Maxley to the Chiropractor. When I walked back into his room, our wedding song was on, thanks babe! 

Maxley has a long list of issues with his alignment and some different things she is working on. Seems to help! He likes going and he is sooooo tight. He can’t straighten his legs and when he is in the baby sitting position where the bottom of their feet touch in front of him, his left leg does it correctly but his right leg is in the air and bent. He is so tight he can’t even bend his feet to his mouth, or anywhere close for that matter. 

After the chiropractor I took Maxley to see his daddy. It was cold out so I was glad I had a blanket in the car. Maxley and I sat with Scott for a bit and we talked. It felt like I was introducing them to each other, a nightmare that’s somehow my reality. I sat next to a plot of fresh green grass amongst all the dried grass around it. You can tell his had been seeded since he was buried. I sat there with my perfect man and my little boy. Neither of whom breathed the air on this earth at the same time. I told Scott how much we both love him. How much I think about him and how he is so missed. Just doesn’t feel like life without him. 

Overall Maxley did really well with the trip and seeing as I did it alone, I would call it a success. 

I put him down for a nap when we got home and he slept another couple hours. I will try to make this a routine because he seemed to do well with it instead of 1 long nap like we had been doing. 

He is still pretty fussy between naps and doesn’t always calm easily. He has a temper. The worst temper I’ve seen on a baby which is NOT surprising considering I’m his mother. I had quite a temper when I was younger. I know you wouldn’t think that because I am so perfect now, but I did! 🙂 I think it’s payback although I thought I had enough payback for a lifetime. If only the universe worked like that. 

I have officially moved away from the preemie size diaper into newborn. Only because I ran out of preemie and didn’t want to buy another pack when I have so many newborn size. I had been using the newborn size for sleep anyway because he was soaking through the preemie ones. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter what size diaper I use, I could use a cotton ball or a king size sheet, the second there is any moisture, he loses it and needs a diaper change. I bet I go through 15-20 diapers a day… high maintenance like his daddy. Scott’s dream was to have a new fresh pair of socks everyday and a new pair of underwear everyday. He was obsessed with fun socks and MeUndies underwear (so comfy!!!). Maybe he will be clean like his daddy too. Scott had nothing but good qualities (except snoring) so I hope Maxley has them all. 

Off to bed, let’s hope for a better night! 

 

October 2, 2018

Maxley slept well with Grandma! I think he likes her better. It was so nice to get a full night sleep. He spit up a couple times since we upped his calories yesterday in his formula. It’s hard on his tummy for a day or so. He got Grandma and soaked her head to toe in the middle of the night. He had even been a little stuffy yesterday so we thought maybe he was coming down with something but now today has been normal again!

He had a good morning sleeping in my arms for most of it. We went to the Chiropractor this afternoon. She is a craniofacial specialist and so she does stuff with his jaw, inside his mouth, the plates in his skull and then helps with his tight muscles. She held him upside down a few times to help stretch him out and it seemed to help. His muscles loosened each time she did it. She is the Chiro that my sister takes my nephew to so that was a nice referral. He didn’t cry the whole way home in the car seat which is a first. I guess we can add chiropractor to our list of specialists…

Mostly uneventful day but I am soaking in my last few days home with him before going back to work next week!

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October 1, 2018

Went to the pediatrician again today. No changes, they just like to weigh him a couple times a week so with the nurse visits and weekly dr appts it works. I bought a legit scale and she said I could actually just use that and call her with the weights since we matched it as the same as the nurses. 

Maxley slept a good chunk of the day which is adorable since he didn’t sleep at all last night. I shouldn’t really say that. He slept from 10:30 or so to 3:30 (always 3:30) and then he was up every 15-30 minutes until I gave up and got him up at 7. 

It’s increasingly more obvious how impossible it will be to do this alone. Eventually there will come a day where I am solely responsible of this child. With meds and equipment, appointment and everything, it’s impossible to keep up with 2 of us. Some of his tubes and vents and things get changed daily, some weekly, some you was and reuse, some you throw away. He has about 40 different items in his equipment bins and keeping it all straight is a full time job. We have to call and get more supplies when we run low and sometimes they send you the wrong stuff and you go to use it and it doesn’t fit with the g-tube or whatever. It’s frustrating and it’s hard especially with no sleep and no husband. 

My mom is staying with him tonight in my room so hopefully I can catch up a bit!

 

September 30, 2018

We had a meeting this afternoon about our benefit this afternoon. We met with the DJ and talked through our plans for the event. Save the date!! It is on October 20th at the Prior Lake VFW. Burgers are served from 6-8. We are still looking for silent auction items if anyone is interested in donating too! 

Email FergusonFamilyFund@gmail.com for more information or donation ideas! 

We putsed around the house and got the spare room organized and my room organized. You should have seen it. Everything from any trip from the hospital ended up on my bedroom floor. I had bags of clothes and Scott’s hospital bag still sitting on the floor where someone had left it. We hadn’t gotten to it until now. My closet floor was nonexistent with laundry we didn’t get to putting away in the haste of getting admitted to the hospital. 

Everything is hard. Innocent questions that my mom asked like what to do with my maternity clothes… it’s an innocent question but it feels like someone took a hot knife and stabbed me with it and the twisted. I wanted lots of children. Scott and I always disagreed on that. I wanted 4 and he would have been happy with 2. He tells everyone we would have compromised and had 4 (My kind of compromise). I think we would have had at least 3 if my body allowed. It’s incredibly painful that I won’t have more children. I know I can’t say what the future holds but PLEASE do not assume I will get married and have more babies. It’s repulsive the amount of people that have asked if I would get married again or assume that I will or they assume I will have more kids. It takes everything in me not to break down when someone says that to me. Or, “at least you’re young” or “I can’t wait to see who you end up with.” 

My name is Kelsey and I met the love of my life when I was 22 years old. His name is Scott. I love him with everything I am made of. We had a blissful 8 years together and now he lives in a world I will be lucky to call home someday. Until then, I will honor his memory by loving his son and doing my best not to fuck him up. 

I don’t understand why people think it’s appropriate to try and marry me off or talk about such things less than 4 months after. 

Rant over. 

I told my mom to keep the maternity clothes. Along with Scott’s things, I am just not ready to say goodbye to that part of my life. It was the happiest I have ever been when I was carrying his child, both times. We would lay in bed and feel him kick and plan our future and say his name. (I wish I had a video of him saying his name). 

After the closet was cleaned out I could finally get to Scott’s side and I grabbed one of his shirts off the shelf that he had recent washed. I buried my face in it and cried. It smelled just like him. I had already forgotten his smell. It’s excruciating to know I’m already forgetting him. 

Photo: this was mid burp, I am not choking him. No babies were hurt in the taking of this photo.

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September 29, 2018

So many firsts with this little man. Today my mom, Grandma and I went flea marketing! It was so cold but we wrapped M up tight and he actually rode the whole time in the baby carrier. It looks like a backpack that you wear on the front. He was really wrapped up and then it had a thermal cover to protect and keep him warm. He slept the whole time on me and seemed to do really well. I may have found the ticket to getting anything done around the house! 

When we got home all 3 of us took long naps. Maxley napped about 3.5 hours but was still so very crabby when he woke up. Who knows. 

We just hung out tonight and gave him a bath and I rocked with him in his room. It’s the first time I’ve sat in that chair since Scott died. That was his recliner I bought for him for his birthday 2 years ago. I sat in so many chairs to find him the perfect one. I insisted that it rocked because I wanted to rock our babies in it one day. We put it in the nursery and put a cover on it and it’s perfect. Scott used to just go nap in it when I was pregnant because he loved his room so much and dreamt of taking baby home to it. 

Life is hard. I struggle everyday with connecting with Maxley as I trudge through this grief. Scott was more patient than I am and would have been able to easily calm me down when I’m stressed. I know I wouldn’t be this way if I had him. I know so much of what kind of mom I will be is because I lost my better piece. Most days I don’t know how to get up and face another day without my best friend. Everyday seems to get harder with Maxley and then I remember I am alone. I am forever a single parent meant to take this child on alone and it sucks. I wish Maxley understood how hard I am struggling so he wouldn’t cry as much and he would give me a break here and there but he can’t and he doesn’t. 

I guess I am forced to go on another day hating the life he left me with.

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September 28, 2018

Maxley had his first outing today! We ran to a furniture store about 5 minutes from here to look for a couch for my mom. We were there about an hour and a half and he did really well. He lasted in the car seat about an hour and then I held him the rest of the time. 

He still doesn’t like car rides but it’s not as bad when the car is moving. As soon as it stops, he wails! 

We came home and I gave him a bottle and I put him down for his 1:00 nap upstairs in my room in his basinet and he slept over 3 hours! It was amazing! He has done that a few times but sometimes it’s only an hour or 2. 

I got some stuff done around the house and worked a little. 

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September 27, 2018

Nothing to report again today. I think I will start posting every few days so don’t be alarmed! 

He didn’t sleep much last night and has been crabby all day. Not sure what is going on but I can chat with the pediatrician next week. The nurse came again today and he is 6lbs 1oz. He is behind on the growth curve so they will probably be upping his calories soon. The way they up the calories is by switching how you make the formula. More powder per water and they give you the recipe. 

We went on our first neighborhood walk today!! Maxley and I had a good time and he seemed to like it. I couldn’t get him to stop crying most the morning and needs to be held constantly. I was going stir crazy sitting with him most the day so I brought him out and walked the neighborhood. 

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September 26, 2018

Better day today but uneventful. 

Mom slept with Maxley for the first time here last night and he didn’t sleep much. He was crabby for chunks of the day and slept the rest of it. He doesn’t let me get much done during the day. He will let me put him down for short spurts and sometimes not even to go to the bathroom. Other times I can set him down and he is happy as a clam. The jury is still out on who’s kid this is. I would never admit to it but some would say I had a temper as a kid… 

He had his first bath here at home. We had to wait 2 weeks from surgery before we could bathe him which was today. He sorta liked it. He was cold coming out and then he was fine. My mom gave him a bottle in his rocking chair in his room for the first time and then he passed right out.

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September 25, 2018

110 days since I have spoken to Scott. I miss him so much it’s unbearable. He was truly my best friend and I felt lucky everyday that we had found each other. I don’t know why the world would be so cruel to take him away from me. We completed each other in a way I really believe others don’t. He got me. He got everything about me. He knew what I was thinking before I did. He forgave me for my faults and loved me in spite of them. I wish we could lay in bed one more Sunday laughing and planning our future. He was more than perfect and I should consider myself lucky for having him as long as I did and for having his son, but I’m not. I’m mad. I’m mad at the world for taking this perfect mad from me. I loved him more than anything in the world and I don’t know how to move past this… my insides feel like they are burning a slow fire. 

I wish it was 8 years ago so I could do it all again. 

—

Maxley has been really crabby the past couple days on and off and It’s been hard. It’s hard to care for someone else when I am so broken. When he cries, I want to cry too. I don’t want to comfort him, I just want to breakdown and cry right next to him. I feel so sad for this poor boy who never got to meet his daddy and for me. I feel so sorry for myself because I don’t have the help I want (from him). I have my moms help and it’s been amazing, more than I could ask for. But it’s her grandchild. She did this already, 3 times and it’s not fair to her. It’s not fair that she has to do this again with me. I just want him. I want to see him as a dad and I know that could have carried me through the hard times. Instead I will have to live the rest of my days imagining what he would have been like with our son. Imagining what we would be doing as a family in this moment. How many kids we would have had. It’s all gone. I own none of those memories and I’m reminded everyday when he cries at night and I’m alone to get up with him and rock him back to sleep. I wanted a partner. I want Scott.

—

Mom and I went back up to Children’s Hospital for a cardiology appointment. It was just a check in and totally pointless. We will be back every month until surgery. They think beginning of December, maybe? We will know more as it gets closer and he is gaining. He doesn’t like the drive very much. He has spit up every car ride so far, and it’s a lot. Someone has to sit in the back with him or I’m afraid he will choke. I had to suction out his mouth as my mom drove and he was not happy… at all. Not sure if it is grandma’s driving ((hint hint)) or he just doesn’t like the car. I guess we will see. 

He took a long nap when we got home and we ate dinner. Night #2 of the meal train and they were both amazing!!!! It’s so nice to not have to worry about dinner. Especially when I go back to work, it’s a huge help so thank you everyone! 

Hopefully tonight is a better night.

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September 24, 2018

Busy day!

We had a woman, Stacy, from the school district and a program called “Watch me Grow” come over and do an evaluation on Maxley to see if he qualified for their services which he does based on his birth weight. This program is birth – 3 years old and have speech, occupational therapy, physical therapy and many others that will come to my house and work with Maxley! 

It’s a free program through the school district and we can opt in or out at any time. If we feel like we need more help they can come help organize his meds or help come up with a system for his feedings, etc. and if we need less help we can tell them to back down a little on coming. That sort of thing. I’m looking forward to as many resources as possible!! Based on the little research they have, he could be developmentally delayed and so we need to get ahead of the game and do what we can to push him in the right direction and know where we lack. 

After that, Jenny, our nurse came to weigh him and see if we had any questions which of course we do. It’s weird going from seeing about 47 nurses a day to one every couple days! We always have questions and she is great. 

The big news is… I officially have a 6 lbs. baby!!!

I can’t believe he is 6 lbs.! I know that’s still so small but he has been in the 5 lb. range for almost 6 weeks. His surgery set him back a bit which is ok but it’s nice to see gains again. 

The rest of the day was spent playing, getting lots of smiles and almost a laugh! 

 

September 23, 2018

Our days are boring around here. We are working on a schedule and today he did terrible. It’s like he is not himself today. He almost seems like he is in pain. I’ll ask his nurse tomorrow. 

We spend most of the day either holding him so that he sleeps or trying to get him to sleep. He also didn’t sleep good last night. He wanted to wake me every couple hours on top of his feedings. 

We are still putsing away at the house and today Kaitlin and I got his play room done! We have a sitting room right when you walk in to the house. I think it’s meant to be a formal living room but I want it for toys and things. I will have to post a picture because I have gotten some amazing things donated for him! 

We will start working on going back to bolus feeds this week and we are bottling more and more!

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September 22, 2018

We started the morning with Maxley’s first outing!!

We did a 5K for vasculitis. A woman named Terry set it up. Her son passed away of a different form of vasculitis than Scott had about 4.5 years ago. Their missing is to bring awareness of the disease to people and physicians. Doctors have never even heard of it so when you’re symptoms don’t go away, advocate! Don’t take no for an answer. Scott would maybe be here if we hadn’t. 

I had so many family and friends show up for the walk. It’s amazing the support I feel from everyone. Maxley did really well on the walk, we bundled him good and he slept the whole time! It was a beautiful fall day and felt good to get out with him. It was nice we didn’t have to worry about feeding him! 

He came home exhausted and so he slept most of the afternoon too. I was able to finish his room from putting the stuff from my baby shower away. The house is slowly coming together. People have been so incredibly generous since I was admitted and so I have so many amazing gifts to put away. From blankets my grandma has made for him to random gift baskets that show up in the mail, it’s so sweet and makes my day! Speaking of blankets, my grandma sewed over 100 blankets for us to donate to the Children’s hospital! They are so thankful and love the donations!

Mom and I finally relaxed after dinner and watched TV for the first time. We have been so busy since we got home we haven’t really relaxed with him much. If one person is holding him, the other is making formula, cooking, cleaning, making bottles, etc. 

He slept through the night again except one diaper change!! Here is to another good night. 

The picture: 

This sums up the 99 days we spent in the hospital. 

Some size comparisons; diaper, pacifier, booties and hat. The hat on the left wore the day he was born and it was actually way too big for him but it was lined with plastic to keep him warm for the first time I held him and the hat on the right was what he came out from surgery in 10 days ago. 

My hospital bracelet. Maxley’s hospital bracelet. Glove so he didn’t pull on his cords. Maxley’s bili light shades. Fabric heart that I slept with and then put in the isolet so he could smell his mommy when I couldn’t hold him. Octi the octopus, he lived in his isolet so Maxley would pull on his tentacles instead of his cords. His blood pressure cuff. I’m sure there is stuff I am forgetting. If only I could put his nurses in there too!

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September 21

Today is a day I have been waiting for. One of my favorite humans in the world got to meet my new man. 

Brooklyn (and Wyatt) got to meet Maxley tonight! Brooklyn (5) has been asking when she could meet him now that he is home. The hospital doesn’t allow children unless they are a sibling and even then it varies so they hadn’t been allowed to come up and see him. When they did come they would hang at Ronald McDonald with my mom and we would go see Maxley. 

She was so cute and so thrilled to be seeing him. She said he had tiny hands and is so much smaller than her brother. She also said he was so much smaller than she thought he would be. This is where it would be nice to have a real blog and I could post the video. Brooklyn’s rule is she can only kiss his toes and she has to wash her hands and use hand sanitizer which is ALL over the house. 

It was so fun to have both Wyatt and Maxley (13 weeks apart) finally together! At one point they were crying at the same time and I thought my heart would burst. I wanted this so badly for Scott and I. Scott lived for his nieces and nephew and would have done anything for his son. Maybe he did… maybe he gave his life for him. I’ll never know. 

Maxley slept all night last night except he peed through his diaper and pjs and blanket and so I changed him at 3:30. He slept until about 7:30 and I think he woke up because his feeding tube alarm went off. In the hospital they had to wake him every three hours to do his cares so we never knew how long he slept in one chunk. 

The home health nurse came today, Jenny. She will be coming weekly to weigh him, look him over, general assessment, that’s kind of thing. Today was a longer visit since it was the first one so she was here a while. I am so thankful they all have my chart so they know about Scott. They know Grandma Terri and I don’t have to explain why there is no dad listed. 

When I called to make his new pediatrician appointment last week, Maxley was a new customer so they go through everything and I guess I am used to everyone knowing about him that when she said, “ok, and father?” I got tripped up and said none but she didn’t hear me so she said what? I had to say, “there isn’t one.” I don’t care what people think and I probably could have just put his name but they needed signatures and I don’t ever want that to be an issue or something. I don’t know what the right answer is. I have hear other widows saying that about signing their kids up for school. Do you leave it blank or fill it out. It’s still their father but you will have a hard time reaching him in case of an emergency. 

Maxley is up to 5 lbs. 15oz! So close to 6lbs!! He is still in preemie clothes and some are still big. He has only grown out of 2 things. 

—


There is less than a month until the benefit here in Prior Lake! It is at 6:00 at the VFW in Prior Lake! $20 to get in which includes a burger and fries, kids under 13 are free!!

We are having a silent auction and are in need of more items! If you have gift cards, gift baskets, handmade items or have places you can contact for donations, let us know!! FergusonFamilyFund@gmail.com

We are hoping to have donations by October 6!

 

September 20, 2018

First morning waking up in his own house. He has a good night. He woke up a lot but calmed easily. I was able to rock his basinet and he would fall back asleep. I had a hard time falling back to sleep again and there is a lot of beeps still. 

We got a pulse ox (oximeter) that measures his oxygen level and his heart rate. The blood in his heart shunts back and forth a lot so he dips for short periods and so he dips a lot. His feeding pump is on an IV pole next to his basinet which is next to my bed. And that pump beeps every 4 hours but sometimes errors in between and beeps for no reason. 

I put a mini fridge in my room so I make a batch of his formula and bring up 3 servings so in the middle of the night I just hook up a new feeding and go back to bed. He doesn’t even have to wake up. He is on a 22 calorie formula mix which just means I make the same normal formula a little different. It’s less water so there are more calories per ounce. I have formula recipes stuck to our fridge, syringes, tubes and meds everywhere. You would think we are still in the hospital! 

He has his first outing to the pediatrician today and that went well!

 

September 19, 2018

We. Are. Home. 

We were pretty sure today would be the day but a lot can change and I didn’t want to get my hopes up. We loaded the car with what we could this morning and just waited for the doctor to do rounds. Once she looked him over she gave the ok to go home!! We went over discharge paperwork and had a graduation ceremony with him in a cap & gown! The nurses walked him around to all the rooms and all of the nurses just drooled over him. Everyone was so excited to see us to be leaving (for more reasons than 1 I’m sure). We ended up walking out of the hospital almost exactly at 12 noon which is when he was born. That means we were there with Maxley exactly 14 weeks and 1 day or 99 days! 

Maxley’s going home outfit was picked by his daddy. There weren’t a lot of clothes he chose but this is what he wanted to take his baby home in. It’s been hanging on the wall in his room for 99 days. I’m so beyond sad that Scott wasn’t here to welcome his baby home.

He likes his car seat and slept the whole way home. He was very content the whole way home (30 minutes). He has been good since we got home for the most part. I will have to take a picture of his set up because we still have his pump and feeding bag and now it’s on an IV pole which is nice since it’s more mobile but it’s a lot of cords still… I thought we got to be done with that?

We have to figure out the ml vs oz and make his formula ourselves. We have to time feedings so they are done at times that make sense and not an hour after we go to bed. He is on 4 meds but some are 3 times a day and others are once a day, some you mix in and some you don’t. 

I already text my nurse, Chris and jokingly (but not) asked her to come and rock with him! 

Well my mom is asleep in the guest room and I’m in Scott and I’s bed for the first time since June 3rd. Maxley is asleep in the bassinet next to me and doesn’t seem fazed by any changes yet. 

He told me he misses his nurses… so do I. They were and are friends. 

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September 18, 2018

Maxley passed his hearing test today. They hook him up to all of these wires and things and test the vibrations and waves. I don’t get it, but he passed! 

He has been fussy and I think his stomach is taking longer to adjust to that new formula. He gained weight last nigh so I think he is up to 5lbs 11oz. He is still in preemie clothes and some are still too big but I think the sizing is off. He has outgrown only 2 items and they were both footie pjs. 

We practiced measuring his med doses and we gave all of his meds. We practiced cleaning his g-tube and hope that we can do all this on our own soon. 

Occupational therapy came today and gave us these braces to have Maxley wear on his wrists that attach to his thumbs. He clenches his first a lot with his thumb enclosed in his fingers like you were going to punch. They are worried it might hinder his ability to start grasping and grabbing so he has to wear them half of the day. Usually about 2 hours on and 2 hours off. It looks like he had carpal tunnel from typing on his laptop too much! 

Physical therapy came and worked with him. Cardiology came by and his case worker, my mom stays busy when she is here all day with him. She is amazingly productive! 


We will meet with the doctor tomorrow and find out more of an ETA on going home. I am not nervous to take him home or to take care of him. I am most nervous to be home. To be in the home that Scott and I JUST bought to raise a family, a big family! We wanted lots of kids and a dog or 2. We wanted a loud, fun house with tons of noise and laughter. Now it will be a house that’s way too big but I’m too attached to, with Maxley and I. Just us. My mom will stay for a while but she has to go eventually.

It’s horribly depressing and hard to breathe. I can not believe I am going to be taking my son home to our house without him. I hate this. I want my old life back. I want my overly excited husband who told everyone and anyone that I was pregnant. He was so proud and would have been far and away the best daddy.

Take me back to a time where life made sense and I was happy.

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September 17, 2018

Mom and I worked on giving him all of his meds today and practiced with his feeding pump. It all seems pretty easy but as soon as we get home and have to do it, we won’t be able to get it to work I’m sure! So we are trying to practice as much as we can here. 

I think I have Maxley down but it’s all of his cares that are different from a “normal” baby. There are so many tubes, wires and things that it’s a lot to remember. Certain meds are 3 times a day, some are once a day but different times than his other meds, you have to clean his tube twice a day for so many weeks and then once a day. You have to rotate the tube 4 times a day for 6 weeks, etc. They might as well be speaking Spanish!

It’s all going to be on our discharge paperwork but to have to look it up when we get home is going to be a pain to do each time. 

He slept about a 7 hour chunk last night with just 1 diaper change around 3am and then fell right back asleep. He does like waking up about 5:30 and be fussy but other than that he has been good. They don’t wake him for cares anymore since we are almost home. They do them when he is awake and up for it. Before, they had to do them like clock work and chart it all. It’s more flexible now. 

I would really like to try to take care of him on my own when we get home. In a traditional situation the Mom stays home on maternity leave and the other parent goes back to work during the day. That was always going to be Scott and I’s plan and so I would like to try. I won’t be very good at it but we will just have to see. I’m a single parent now and people won’t be around forever. I have to try and make a life for Maxley and I.

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September 16, 2018

Happy Birthday Scott! 

He would have been 31 today. He will forever be 30. Last year on his birthday I posted that he will always be older than me but that isn’t true now. 

It is also my grandma’s birthday! She is 81, exactly 50 years older than Scott. Love you Grandma!

Today was a hard day. He should be celebrated and showered with love and baby snuggles. That is all he would have wanted is to hold his son. He would have been more than content with spending his birthday here with his son. 

A bunch of my friends and I rented out a room at Dave and Busters to watch the Viking vs Packers game this afternoon for Scott’s bday. It was really fun and they tied so that’s a nice compromise since Scott was a HUGE packer fan and most his friends are Vikings fans. 

Maxley passed his car seat test today. He had to sit in his car seat for 90 minutes without his stats dropping and without intervention. He did really well! We just need him to gain a little bit and then we can go home! Maybe in a few days… man am I ready!

I wanted to post my Meal Train again because the link maybe wasn’t working?

Meal Train

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September 15, 2018

Today was a really good day for Maxley. He was more himself and only spit up a couple times. That is normal for any baby! We didn’t need to vent him as much with his new tube and he bottled 3 partial bottles today. He was so happy and in a good mood most the day!

He is 5lbs 9 oz. He has bounced up and down from his IV fluids and retaining from surgery but he looks normal again.

The IV came out this morning and we are up to 18 ml per hour continuous feedings which is actually more than he was getting before surgery! We want to get him up to 22 ml per hour and we will be up to 20 tonight so we are pretty much there. We just need to do his car seat test and we can go HOME!!!!!!! We are hoping the next couple days, unless something big changes! Amazing news! 

Getting ready for home we should have everything we need! People have been asking how to help and so my friend Megan set up a meal train. A meal train is a calendar of days that people can sign up to bring dinner to our house. You can just bring dinner and put it in the cooler on the porch! It can be ready to eat or ready to heat. There is instructions on our calendar link provided. 

It’s so incredibly helpful to have one less thing to worry about when I get home from work. We would also love some small portion frozen meals to heat on nights we don’t have meals provided or weekends. ((My Mom is gluten and dairy free and since she will be living with me there are some restrictions))

I wanted to provide the link in case anyone wanted to sign up. It’s no pressure to at all! (grocery gift cards are appreciated too if you don’t live around here. I have a target grocery delivery service and we shop at Cub Foods)

https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/1mnr26

I am already so thankful for the love and support I have received already and I know Maxley is so loved by many of you. Thank you again. 

I’m off to bed, tomorrow is Scott’s birthday and it’s going to be a rough one.

 

September 14, 2018

I ended up sleeping in Maxley’s room last night and Mom slept at RMH. He had such a rough day that we wanted to make sure someone was here in case he just needed to be held all night. We didn’t get to bed until after 2:30 and he slept ok until about 6. I was up with him for about an hour and then slept until 8 when the doctor came in. 

We switched his formula back to a kind that he likes better and is a lot cheaper for when we go home. The kind he was on was $180 for 6 canisters, small ones like a can of peanuts, that wouldn’t last us at all. He seems to be doing well with that. 

Mom and I had a CPR class at 9 downstairs for an hour and a half. It was CPR, choking and reflux, it was very informative. By the time we got back up Mom left and I was able to work. 

A woman from medical supply came today and taught me how to use our at home pump. SO much information and I of course won’t have questions until I have to do it! I also have to teach mom which will maybe help me? It will be SO interesting having to do this all on our own when we get home. I seem to be more confident ((naive)) when it comes to being able to handle it all than my mom. 

He also had a brain ultrasound (or was that yesterday?) and another echo, all looked normal. 

This afternoon I went with my sister, Casie, to get a tattoo for Scott. She got a combination of a maple leaf because he was Canadian, (was?? Why do I have to say was??) and a mandala. There are a lot of meanings, all beautiful and such a nice tribute to her brother. I also got one on my right inner arm. It’s the first tattoo I have that you can see by just looking at me straight on. Most of mine are on the back side of my arm or legs so you wouldn’t even know I have them. I wanted to get it on his birthday which is this Sunday but more tattoo shops aren’t open Sundays. I got the coordinates of where Scott was born and where Maxley was born. I love the way it turned out. It’s so special because the coordinates for where Maxley was born is also where Scott died… kind of unbelievable. He would have loved it.

Tonight I went with my best friend to get her tattoo for Scott too! She got Roman numerals on her right wrist for all 3 of our lucky numbers. We were big into our numbers and 21 had a lot of meaning to Scott and I. She got VI . XXI . XXI (6.21.21) but instead of periods they are triangles because of the 3 legs of our tripod. The 3 of us, Kaitlin, Scott and I were best friends. They were/ are such a huge part of my life it hurts so much knowing a whole third of our tripod has fallen. It’s an especially beautiful tattoo because I am a part of it. Kaitlin, Thank you for doing that for him, he would have loved it and he would have loved that he will be there on your wedding day and everyday going forward because he loved you too, Kaitlin. 

It’s so special that so many of my friends have wanted to permanently and symbolically mark their bodies for Scott. It shows what an incredible human being he was. My friend Mikaela got a beautiful large maple leave on her inner arm and so did my friend Nick! I love you all! 

 

September 13, 2018

I worked from the hospital today so that I could stay with Maxley on day one post op. He slept most of the morning but has been very fussy since this afternoon. 

His feedings won’t stay down and he has bad reflux. I can tell he doesn’t feel good. I think his incision is better and isn’t bothering him as much as his tummy is. His new tube has a venting system so when he starts to gag you pop the vent and he “throws up” but really the contents of his tummy go into the tube and then gravity flows it back down. It’s hard because when you’re holding him you have to clip the tube up onto your shirt or the chair or something. It’s a whole new way to feed and feels like to took 10 giant leaps backwards. He can’t tolerate even 1/2 of what he was getting and not by mouth yet. He spits up everything and it’s hard to feel like we went backwards when he was doing well before. This is a hard adjustment. 

His water retention has gone down so he is looking more himself and less pale. Now if only he would act himself again. It’s really hard when he cries for 3 hours straight and there is nothing I can do about it. He is crying, his monitors are going off, he is refluxing, he is throwing up, I have to vent his tube, there are more cords than ever before and they are ALL tangled. I have to be careful with his incision site and his IV. It’s SO many things and just when one stops, there are 3 more frustrations to take the place. The nurses are in and out and they want to help but I don’t know what to tell them. It becomes frustrating because all I want to do is cry. I know this is motherhood and I am by no means the first and won’t be the last. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Maxley is overall healthy and I’m grateful. But, it’s hard not to focus on the bad. 

The formula they switched him to yesterday for spitting is so thick that when you put it in a bottle, you can tip it upside down and it doesn’t come out. No wonder his stomach hurts… mine would too. He should basically have to chew it! Right now it is just going in through his tube but obviously doesn’t like it. 

A woman from endocrinology stopped in today to teach us how to use Maxley’s meter. We will have to test his blood sugar once a day for a while to make sure his levels are ok at home. I am pretty familiar since Scott had diabetes but good to get a refresher. I had to test it on myself to make sure I understood how to use it. 


He had a brain scan which came back normal. It’s just routine to get one before going home, checking off more boxes. 

Our case manager came by to tell us that our medical supply company would call me to set up a time to drop off our supplies and pump for home. They are coming tomorrow and will teach us how to use it all. We will also work with a. Dietician through them to get Maxley’s feedings up to par once we are home. 

We also saw our social worker Anne. She stops in every once and a while to see if we need anything. She has been such a huge help through all of this. It’s odd because she is the only person in the hospital who had met Scott. We met with her knowing we would deliver here so she has been through it all with me. We will miss her and her cute style! She can’t follow my caring Bridge for a few months per the rules so, Anne, when you read this, text me! 

The surgical nurse practitioner came by to check on Maxley too and said everything looks good. He has had very little drainage and both incision sites look good. 

I can’t wait for a kitchen. I can’t wait to make food when I want. Mom said she can’t wait to take a bath. It’s strange the things we miss when we are here but to be honest, you would think it would be worse. I’m so very grateful for the things we have had here. 

It’s almost 2 and we are still in his room even though we have a room at Ronald McDonald. He won’t stop fussing… it’s going to be along night. 

>>In the picture you can see his venting tube hanging from his mobile>>

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September 12, 2018

We had a really big day today.

3 Months Old! 

Our morning started with going back down to first floor (first time in the main hospital) to get a procedure called voiding cystourethrogram (VCUG) done. They inject dye through a catheter and take x-rays to test his urinary system. This is a normal procedure in preemies who have had a UTI. Most everything looks good except he does have some reflux with the urine going back into the kidneys which can cause more damaging infections over time. Sometimes this cures on its own but we will have to put him on a low dose antibiotic just in case and check again in a year. So, if you’re keeping track, now we have added urology to our list of specialties we will be working with. 

The early afternoon was filled with cuddles as mom and I both worked. Two different teams came in to try and IV him and both failed twice, so 4 failed IV attempts for surgery. By about 12:30 they were ready for him and we walked back down to surgery and went into Maxley’s pre-op Room. We met with his pre-op nurse, the anesthesiologist, the surgeon and the operating room nurse all separately. They come in and ask who he is, I confirm date of birth and they ask me what we are doing today to confirm we have the correct baby. The surgeon and anesthesiologist went over in detail the procedure and answered our many questions. 

Around 1:00, they took him off to surgery and led Mom and I to a large waiting room with many other families. There was a large screen where you could track his progress by birthdate to see where he was in the process like tracking an amazon shipment in real time. 

They first had to IV him which turns out took 2 more tries, totally 6 IV pokes. After they got him hooked up they intubate him. They had to have a special team in there because of his heart condition but he did really well with that. They called me to update me when they got started after he was intubated because then we knew it was about an hour after that. 

After he is out they make a tiny incision in his belly button and insert a scope to find his stomach. They pull the stomach to the outer wall of the belly and attach 2 stitches to keep the stomach in place. After that is done, they cut a whole through the skin and into the stomach. They insert the MC-KY button or G-Tube into the whole and inflate a balloon with saline to keep it in place.

The way that the whole heals is very similar to an ear piercing which makes it sound a lot better. The button gets changed about once a month and I can just do it at home after the first time. The first one they want done in the hospital to make sure it’s ok and they can show us how to change it. We get to practice on a doll too. 

The doctor and anesthesiologist came out separately to give report and tell us that the nurse will come get us when he is out of recovery which can take about half an hour or so. We met him in the hall and I got to carry him upstairs. I think we got back to our room about 3. 

Overall he did really well. It takes a while to slowly introduce food back into his stomach because he had to fast for 8 hours or so before surgery and they can start using the g-tube right away. He was very out of it and in a lot of pain from the surgery, the IV and the procedure. He threw up a couple times tonight and so they are working on adjusting his new formula they put him on. 

He slept all day and squealed here and there. His voice is so hoarse from being intubated and he is not himself at all. Tomorrow might be worse but should then get better from there. 

It’s been a long day and we are off to bed. There is a chance I will be up all night rocking him if he won’t sleep lying down or is in too much pain. 

The photo is him post op. Notice, no NG-tube on his face!! They big white board thing on his right foot is part of the IV to keep his leg from moving. You can see it is taped to his leg and you can see the red and blue ports coming out of it. The MC-KY button is the white plastic piece on his tummy. The gauze is just for drainage and will come off soon. He looks a little puffy from the fluids but he should be off the IV tomorrow and then that will go down.

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September 12, 2018

Mid Day Update:

Surgery went well and he is headed to recovery! We haven’t seen him yet but should be able to once he is awake.

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September 11, 2018

13 weeks today! I can’t believe we have been here over 14 weeks. It’s unreal how I’m a completely different person that who I came in as on June 4th.

I lost the title of wife and gained the title of Mom. It strange I never got to be both at the same time. It’s heartbreaking really. Scott never knew me as a legitimate mom. I felt like a mom when we first got pregnant last July and when we lost the baby, I felt lost. I wasn’t sure if I was really a mom or not and it’s kind of how I feel now. I feel very much married to my Scott, but technically, I’m not. I’m nobody’s wife. I’m nobody’s first choice. I’m not someone that a guy fell madly in love with and couldn’t live without. I want that girl back. That girl was so positive, that girl had her whole life ahead of her, she loved people and loved her life.

I often wonder how Scott would be in my situation. If I were gone and he were left as a broken shell of a man, how he would pick up and move on. I’m not sure he would. I really don’t know. Makes me kind of sick to think about. 

—-

We got Maxley’s car seat fitted for his tiny body today. We will do his car seat test in the next few days. It’s a test every premature baby has to pass before they can go home in a car seat. They strap him in for an hour and a half and make sure he can maintain oxygen levels the whole time. He gets 2 chances to pass. If he fails both, we have to make other arrangements to get him home which isn’t ideal. 

I believe it is (one of the) last steps we need to complete before going home! 

Maxley has a procedure tomorrow morning to test his urinary tract. This is common for any preemie who had a urinary tract infection before going home. 

Then surgery tomorrow at 1:00. This will be the first of hopefully only 2 surgeries. His next being the big kahuna for his heart (not sure yet on timing). Please pray that tomorrow goes safely and everything goes as planned for the doctors and for us.

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September 10, 2018

Maxley is up to 5lbs 9oz. He is taking maybe 35% of his feeds orally and is needing to eat at every feeding at least a little. Whatever he doesn’t eat orally gets put through his NG tube in his nose. He will get that taken off on Wednesday hopefully for good. After that, he will get fed through his gastrostomy tube (g-tube) in his stomach. No more tape to take away from his handsome face!

He got to FaceTime with his Nana in Canada tonight and she even got a couple smiles! He told me how excited he is to have her come stay for 6 weeks!!! 

—-

Ken (Scott’s best friend from Canada) and Pam (my mother in law, AKA Nana) called me this afternoon to update me on the golf tournament that they hosted in Canada this past weekend. I know so many people helped, thank you to everyone! They went over and above my expectations and raised so much money for Maxley and I. I can’t thank you enough!! This is an incredible gift that we couldn’t thank everyone enough for. This will help me in more ways than I can list but I’m sure you can imagine the bills are piling up!

For the Canadians who don’t know… we don’t have paid maternity leave here in the US. Some companies offer it but some don’t. I was able to take 8 weeks and then went back to work. I’m lucky enough to love my job (and feel better being at work than I do at the hospital most days). I was actually planning to take 12 and went back early if you can believe it. 

We also don’t have national health care. The bills between Scott, Maxley and myself are well over a million dollars. I don’t have to pay all of that since I have an out of pocket maximum but it’s different than what my Canadian family and friends are used to. Maxley will be close to a million dollar baby before we leave here. Good thing he is cute! 🙂

Thank you everyone reading this who has helped in any way, prayers, gift baskets, donations, love, hugs, support, all of it is needed and beyond appreciated. 

We are looking towards going home soon and will need even more love and support then.

September 9, 2018

Today was a good day! I had an amazing baby shower and the Packers won!! 

The baby shower was so nice! My sisters and mom did such a great job and so many people came to celebrate Maxley and I. I wish Maxley could have been there but it was probably best he wasn’t with all of the germs. We got showered with so much love. People are amazing. 

I spent the morning soaking up smiles from little man and after the shower, more of the same! We learned a little more about his surgery which was good. We just chatted with the nurse about how we will change the port out at home and what to expect. Super routine. 

He is 5 1/2 lbs.! Still in preemie clothes and most are too big but definitely starting to fill them out. He has outgrown 2 pjs. He still loves to be held and cries when he isn’t. The second you pick him up he is calmed. He just wants to lay chest to chest and is so content and happy that way.

 

 

 

 

                                            

 

September 8, 2018

Today is 3 months since I said goodbye to my husband as they told me there was nothing more they could do to save his life. 

I spent most of this afternoon talking to Maxley about his daddy. We watched videos and I told him stories and about how excited he was to meet his son. 

It was a hard day. 

My Canadian family hosted the first annual Scott Ferguson Golf Tournament today. It sounded like it was successful and so touching. I can’t wait to hear all the stories. I know Maxley will love these stories too! Thank you to everyone who went and played or just supported.

We got Maxley’s G-Tube surgery scheduled for Wednesday. Once this is placed we can go home. It doesn’t mean we will right away but we can. It will probably be another couple weeks but it’s so exciting that the doctors are starting to talk about us leaving. So weird! I think I’ve blocked going home out of my mind to make it easier for the fact that we weren’t yet. We will spend the next couple weeks doing a CPR class, learning all of his equipment and doing feeding clinics. It will be a lot to learn how to do all of this at home without the help of round the clock care. It’s exciting to think we will be home before 4 months!!

My baby shower is tomorrow! I’m so excited to see everyone and get some final things I need to take Maxley home.

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September 7, 2018

Maxley had a big day today!! 

It was his first time in the hallway! He even got to ride in an elevator on his way to his exam. 

He got an upper GI test to make sure his stomach is in the correct place for his surgery. They brought us down 2 floors to what looked like the surgery wing. They brought us into an x-Ray room where they had us put Maxley on a big table. They injected barium into his stomach through his NG tube. Then they had us hold him down while the took x-Rays to make sure his stomach was in the right place for surgery. It looked good which is great. When they cut him open for the implant, they want to make sure his stomach would be in the right place. 

I think he loved being out of the room and was so observant of everything. Everyone kept talking about how small he was because the techs and things aren’t used to seeing babies that small. They deal with kids all day but bigger for the most part. Everyone was so surprised at how small he was for his age and how strong his neck is! 

It was fun to bring him “out” and show him off. I think every new mom (or maybe just me) wants to have people ooh and ahh over their new baby at target or out and about. To be asked how old he is and what his name is. You just don’t get the normal experience being here. 

We are hoping to get his G-Tube next week! This is a HUGE step toward going home. What they do is place a MIC-KEY (Mickey) button or tube through the outside of his tummy through to his stomach. That way we can go home and still work on feeding. He should have surgery in the next couple weeks and then within a few weeks after that we could be going home!! This is amazing. The doctor told us we could be here another 6 months or longer if we don’t go this route and it isn’t great for Maxley to stay here. It’s good for him to go out into the world and experience other things and get stimulated by his surroundings. 

We are looking forward to going home soon!! Dare I say there is an end in sight?

The doctor changed his formula tonight to see if that will boost his growth. He has been pretty stagnant with that and so they upped his feedings too (yesterday). He doesn’t like it so far and it hurts his tummy so he was extra fussy. We do have a room at RMH for the weekend which is so nice with a fussy baby! He also had a bib on for the first time today, it was so cute!

Codi brought Brooklyn and Wyatt up tonight so that was fun to see them and hear about Brooklyn’s first day of kindergarten on Thursday. 

————

Questions from yesterday (there weren’t many, I must be that good at explaining!? 🙂 )

I don’t know our surgeon yet. There are 3 on staff and we met with one but he isn’t necessarily his surgeon. 

His heart defect is a balanced AV canal. It is the heart defect that 75% of people with Down’s syndrome have so very common. 

His heart surgery should be just 1. Sometimes if it is unsuccessful and they have to go back in 1 or more times. We will pray for it to be successful the first time around. 

Thanks for the compliment on his name. It is his paternal grandfathers name. He actually went by Max (which we didn’t like as much) and we fell in love with naming our child that about 5 years ago. It was going to be the name whether it was a boy or girl. I wasn’t lucky enough to meet him in this life but I am so happy that Scott gets to be up there with one Maxley that he loves.

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September 6, 2018

Maxley slept so well last night because he was worn out from pictures! He was so happy all day today playing with Grandma. He was so smiley when mommy got home and had a really good night. Only screamed bloody murder once during his cares otherwise was cool as a cucumber. 

We played on the floor, used the boppy and had a nice little play date for the 10 minutes he lasted! 

I got a few really good smiles tonight on video and posted it on Facebook. I took a screenshot from the video (attached).

—-

He is 5lbs 5oz today and 18 inches long! They upped his feedings to 53ml for every 3 hours (1.8oz). 

Sometimes I feel like I skim over things and don’t explain them well enough or I over explain too. If anyone ever has questions about stuff, even if I already talked about it, please comment! I read them everyday and I would be happy to answer questions about Maxley! I may have gone over something early on and it’s hard to remember it all so it’s never a dumb question! 

Bring on the questions…

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September 5, 2018

Maxley had a big photo shoot today! Two of my friends came to the hospital to take “newborn” photos. I can’t wait to see what they got. 

When we found out we were pregnant, Scott text them and asked if they would take the pictures. He was so thoughtful like that. He knew how important pictures were to me and wanted to make sure I got my favorite photographers for the most important pictures we would ever take. 

We had actually scheduled maternity photos with them too and were supposed to do them the day I got admitted to the hospital. Scott was so sick but was willing to come with and take some pictures of my bump. 

I miss him so much and it’s bizarre to think about what Scott would be saying or doing during the pictures. I miss him so much and I wish he could have been in the pictures holding him but instead we got a picture of Maxley with Scott’s ashes. What a pathetic life I have. 

I can’t believe he is gone. I hate this new life. I want my old one back. 

—-

Today the doctor mentioned that we can start looking at a G-tube which is a tube they surgically insert into his stomach from the outside of his tummy. He isn’t big enough yet but could be soon and then we could go home! It could still be a while but it seems like that could happen sooner than him bottling fully. 

Baby steps.

—-

I had a big day at work. I got a promotion! This is something I have wanted for a long time. I love my job and I love my company. It’s an amazing opportunity managing the team I was on and love so much. I interviewed for the position and got the offer yesterday. We got to tell my team today! They are so supportive of me and everything I’m going through. 

I am so lucky when it comes to my work.

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September 4, 2018

My life is frustrating. 

Today after work I ran to Byerly’s to get dinner for my mom and I. The woman ringing me up made a comment about me not having dishes tonight since I was buying dinner. I told her that I never have dishes because I live in the hospital/ NICU with my 12 week old son. She asked his name and then said, “ugh, that must be so hard.” I just want to say, “lady, you have no fucking clue.” I just stood there quietly while she finished ringing me up and I walked out. It didn’t take me long in the car to start crying. 

I am weak. 

I don’t often feel sorry for myself or I guess I try not to. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming urge that I just can’t help. I have my favorite photo of Scott right next to my computer at work. It was us on a beach on our honeymoon last March. He is so handsome, I find myself staring at it and feeling nauseous. Today, I wanted to post the picture. I love it so much and we were truly happy! We weren’t pregnant yet and it’s all I could do not to cry everyday about that. Most days I guess I did cry about it. But we were happy. I love him so much. I know I will never be as happy as I was here. 

—-

Maxley slept most of the day but was really VERY fussy tonight. He got his 3rd of 3 shots tonight so he was a bit off. He took 2 full bottles again (seems to be his trend).

We are off to bed early because poor grandma got no sleep last night since M was so fussy all night.

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September 3, 2018

Today was a day full of snuggles and smiles (mostly snuggles). He slept most of the day. We slept at RMH which was nice! We got our fav room and so we slept well. When we came in this morning he had his stickers off for his oxygen… not sure if I should get my hopes up but so far so good. He always does well with his oxygen levels when he is up on my chest but when he is laying he doesn’t do as well. 

He has been really fussy around feeding time. He gets fed every 3 hours (8-11-2-5) and like clockwork he is STARVING and the only way to calm him is to give him a bottle. Normally we try and bottle every other so we don’t wear him out but lately we can’t calm him without it! I think that’s a really good sign! He took a full bottle this morning and then just little bits out of the others. 

Mom and I walked to Lake street today (just under a mile) and went to a cool little Mexican restaurant. It was hot and muggy but nice to get out of the hospital. Maxley slept in his Mama Roo swing the whole time we were gone and forgave us for not bringing him enchiladas. 

We have gotten to know the staff here really well and feel like we have had about every nurse but there are over 100 on staff so we couldn’t have. We love our primary nurses and it will be sad to not see them when we leave. 

Yesterday when Kaitlin and I got back from the wedding we walked into the ICC to see Maxley and all the ladies at the front desk and all the nurses at each nurses station said hi to me and said, “oh, your back!?” Kaitlin asked if I felt like a celebrity because she felt like she was with one. Ha ha ha, it’s crazy when you live here. We have been here 13 weeks tomorrow and everyone has made this more bearable. The nurses are so kind and so friendly. 

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September 2, 2018

I was at a wedding in Brainerd last night for my friends Kerstin and Erik. Erik was Scott’s college roommate. Scott was a groomsman and as Kerstin beautifully said in their program, “cheering from heaven!” 

It was a beautiful wedding and fun to see so many people I love. My best friend, Kaitlin was my date and we stayed with another one of our friends. It was my first night out of the hospital in 11 weeks and 5 days so also my first night away from Mr. Maxley. 

I did well and I liked knowing my mom was there loving on him. I was gone exactly 26 hours. 

Maxley got off of oxygen today. There is a good chance he will have to go back on for the next few days kind of on and off. The nurse said that sometimes at night they need oxygen when they deep sleep and when he is laying down. 

He is up to 5lbs and 4 oz. 

He got his 2nd of 3 shots tonight. We are doing them every other day to space them out. 

He has really been smiling a lot more! He gave me the biggest ear to ear smile today when I was chanting his name! 🙂 It was so cute! He has been playing and smiling more and more. He is overall a very happy and content baby. He still hates having absolutely anything in his diaper (that makes for an expensive annoyance) so we have to change his diaper a lot! He cries when it’s about time for his feedings but that’s about it!

They changed his limits for his oxygen levels so he has a 15% window I stead of 10. This means he beeps a lot less, it’s nice! He is really stable with his head control and stiff for the first time today on my legs. He stood for a couple seconds on my lap too!

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August 31, 2018

This is from Friday but never posted… ugh!

…….

I had a good day with Grandma today while mommy worked. He enjoyed lots of cuddles and being in my swing. I was a very good boy. When mommy got home we snuggled too and she was very nice and held my while I got my first shot. I was very brave and only cried a little. 

They lowered my oxygen level to a 1/2 liter and so I can almost get this annoying tube out of my nose. I keep pulling it off to tell them that I’m ready but they just keep sticking it back in! 

I’m really sad my mom is leaving me tomorrow for a wedding up north but I’m excited she will have fun with her friends. Grandma is coming back up tomorrow to play with me! She had to go home tonight to play with my cousins while Aunt Codi and Uncle Justin went to a concert.

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August 30, 3018

Today was Aunt Codi’s Birthday! We went out to dinner at Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner with the gang. It was nice to get out and do normal things and see Brooklyn and Wyatt. My mom and I miss them so much. Scott and I lived really close to them and couldn’t go more than a week without seeing them. We often just stopped by or came over on short notice because we missed them. I think I miss seeing Scott with our nieces and nephew. They were absolutely the light of his life. Anyone who knows him know that kids were all he talked about. More specifically Brooklyn, Lotus and Wyatt… and since November, our baby. He loved kids and lit up when he saw them. 

It’s incredibly hard to see dads with new babies. I get really jealous and can’t contain my complete sadness that I’ll never get to see that. I know I deserved that, mostly Scott did. He was the most amazing person and the world is worse off without him. I hate that Maxley won’t get to see first hand how incredible his father was. It’s not fair, it’s not fair for me or for Maxley. 

Maxley deserved that fun parent. The parent who would give him ice cream for dinner every now and then, who would teach him to throw a football and that green and gold were the best colors! Someone who would wrestle with him one minute and love him hard the next. I won’t be that parent. I will be the strict overbearing parent because he is all I have. He is all I have left of a world I used to find perfect and now I find shattered. I will be harsh and short tempered because I am broken. 

I know I could have been a great mom and maybe I’ll be an ok one but I know I won’t be the one I was meant to be. Poor Maxley got the short end of the stick in so many ways and I ache for him. 

 

August 29, 2018

No real update for Maxley today. He went down on oxygen and will hopefully be off soon. This was the first day he was without Mom and I all day. His primary nurse Chris was here so that’s good. He is bottling about 30% by mouth. 


We are back at Ronald McDonald and hoping for sleep!

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August 28, 2018

11 Weeks Old!

He took my soul with him when he left. I can’t describe this chunk I have in my throat and have to try and swallow before I speak, this hard to breath feeling and constant urge to hold back my tears. I don’t feel like myself and know that I never will. 

I am normally a very positive and upbeat person and have a love for life. These days, it’s hard to know how I ever felt alive. I’m missing a whole piece of myself and I fucking hate my life. I wish I had any joy to pass on to Maxley. I so badly don’t want him to grow up with this sad, pathetic excuse for a mom. He deserves so much more than I have to give him. 

Today was really rough. I had to go to my house and get a few things and it was the first time I was there alone. I couldn’t breathe. I hate my house. I hate it so much because he is there. I feel him everywhere and I just want him to be there so badly. I just fell to the ground in our room in a sobbing blubbering mess. God, I want him back. 

I miss my person. I miss having that person to tell everything to and share everything with. I just replay every event I wish I could tell him or things that he missed. He missed little things like meeting Maxley’s nurses, hearing his son cry, seeing how perfectly perfect his little face is, feeding our son, seeing my new desk at work, and so many other little things that make me cry on a daily basis. 

I’m alone tonight at Ronald McDonald. Mom went home tonight so she could watch Wyatt tomorrow while Codi and Justin take Brooklyn to the state fair. Normally when my mom goes home I turn down a room at RMH and stay in Maxley’s room but I needed a night off from the crying and the beeping. 

Maxley did take 2 full bottles today and had a good day overall. He lost weight again today but it’s still good! They upped the diuretic dose to help get him off of his oxygen maybe tomorrow?

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I would think I would have to run out of tears at some point…

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August 27, 2018

Maxley is 5lbs 5oz and 18inches long! He has gained 3lbs 2oz and grown almost 4inches since he was born. That seems like so much for such a little man. 

Today the cardiologist changed Maxley’s range of what the saturation level of the oxygen in his blood. He has a window of 10% now that he can be at, it used to be 5% so he should beep less now. He is also at 21% oxygen which is room air. It’s what you and I breathe. So, as long as he can do ok on this for a day or 2, he should be able to come off of the oxygen! That’s amazing! One less cord to deal with and less dinging. Of course, it’s just another great step toward going home. This wasn’t keeping us here since he could go home on oxygen but it would be nice to not have to.

Cardiology stopped by and will plan another echo this week. He doesn’t have to get his glucose checked for a while now. They had been pricking his heels several times a day for weeks now and they are so badly bruised and poked. I think he is actually traumatized from them and that’s why he flips out for his diaper changes. 

It’s weird here (isn’t everything?) because you just change diapers and do cares and everything right on his bed. It’s the right height for all of that and the sides click down to make it easier but it’s a strange concept. You wouldn’t ever change their diaper in their crib at home! I think he is scarred from his pokes in his bed. We aren’t sure but we have a lot of time to come up with theories around here. 

We talk a lot about the neighbors here and wonder what these other families are like! We have THE neighbor. Like the neighbor you hope doesn’t move in next door when they come to tour the house. Yup, I got lucky enough to have them. They get security called on them once every couple weeks. They little boy screams and swears and fights with the mom of he baby. It’s awful and entertaining. We feel bad for them both as nobody wants to be in this situation but they aren’t helping anyone. 

Too bad my son will be perfect, he will never yell at me! 🙂 Maxley also gave me a little smile tonight! He is just so sweet!

August 26, 2018

Maxley and I spent most of our morning and afternoon cuddling. He still loves to lay chest to chest and sleeps for hours. If he is peaceful they just come take his temp, blood pressure and listen to his heart right on me and skip the diaper change when they do his cares. I change him as needed anyway. This evening we played in his swing and on his mat. Grandma got some cuddles in and she fed him his first bottle on the size 1 nipple! This is a normal newborn size. He took the whole thing for her! This is amazing and great progress toward going home (far away yet). He seemed to not have to work as hard and for more milk for it. 

He gave a big smile to a nurse today but has yet to smile for me so we aren’t counting it yet! 🙂 

It’s a hard time of year with the state fair and not being able to bring myself to go. Scott and I went every year and it’s too hard. I have my first wedding this weekend and I’m so scared. 

I love him so much and I fully understand how people actually die of a broken heart. It’s hard to push forward and want to keep going without him. He was my everything. I told him everything and he knew everything about me. He completed me and complimented me at the same time and I can not imagine my life without him. I feel physically ill without him and wish I could lay in bed and cry all day. I can’t. I have to get up for our son and put on a fake face and pretend I can get through it without just dropping dead of sadness. 

I really don’t know how I will get through another one and yet here I am. Miserable for another day. 

I miss Scott.

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August 25, 2018

I spent a good chunk of today (after some morning cuddles) at Casie’s pool with Casie, Codi, Brooklyn, Wyatt, and my cousins Emily and Hannah. It was nice to get out and it wasn’t super hot which was nice. 

Emily was in town so she got to meet Maxley! We spent the rest of the day here in Maxley’s room and Ronald McDonald House!

Not much new with Maxley. My mom went home for the night so she should get some rest!

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August 24, 2018

A lot of change at work these days (as if I didn’t have enough change as it was). My boss, Allisha’s last day was yesterday. She told me my first day back that she was leaving to take care of her 3 little ones. I am so happy for her but beyond sad for myself and for my team. Allisha and I bonded quickly and she became a friend. I went to her with everything and she helped me through the hardest times of my life. She was the first person I told that my baby inside of me was going to die and one of the first I told when we were pregnant again. She cried over Scott’s passing and came to his funeral. She was an amazing boss and I will really miss her. I look forward to spending time with her over wine instead of work. 

I am helping lead the team until they find someone to take over. It’s been a nice transition back to work instead of jumping right back into selling over the phone and having to deal with customers. 

Along with her leaving we had a big move in the office today! We moved up a floor which means window seats and beautiful lake views! Our cubes are about 3 times the size and further apart which cuts down on the noise of our sales team since we are always on the phone, it tends to be loud. I may or may not take credit for some of the noise level. 

The move was surprisingly hard for me. I had packed my desk up in May anticipating the move and unsure of when I would be gone with Maxley. As I unpacked today I found many many things that were for Scott; pictures of him, trinkets, cards, things he bought for me and other nonsense I hadn’t seen since he died. I don’t know why that was so hard to look at. It knocked the wind out of me a few times as I found more things. Things he was with me when I bought or encouraged me to buy as he always did, (the man had a shopping problem, although I took full advantage). It’s all too hard. It hit me 6 times over today that he is gone. I wish I stopped forgetting that he is gone. I wish it was a constant elephant on my chest but as the days go by I have moments that I don’t think about him and a few seconds later have to remember. It’s gut wrenching. My work has been amazing and I love the team I’m on. They really feel like family and it’s made my life a million times better. 

Over lunch today I met a woman named Terry for coffee. She is organizing the walk/ run in September for Vasculitis. Her son passed away of it over 4 years ago and left 2 children behind. We had a great talk and we really hit it off, at least I think we did! I told her about my CaringBridge today so she might be reading this disagreeing with that, but I hope not! I think she will really be a great support for me and my family. For anyone who can or wants to do the walk with us please register ASAP! It would mean so much to me and Maxley to raise awareness for this shitty thing that took Scott way too soon. 

September 22nd in Prior Lake

Register Here—> http://bhvcharities.org/bhvc-3k-5k-fun-run-walk/

Even if you can’t make it and want to donate you can use that link! You get a free shirt and get to see me, totally worth it! 

I should get to the reason you all read this… Maxley. He is good, much better today. He lost another 80mg which is good at this point. He looks normal again and had a good day. He slept through 2 “cares” last night which is incredibly unusual for him. He normally screams bloody murder, I mean screams! His face turns a weird shade of purple and he doesn’t breath for a few seconds. It’s funny watching new nurses see him do it for the first time during a diaper change because they flip out and we have to calm the nurses down! I call it his party trick. I will try to get a video soon! 

We have a room at Ronald McDonald again tonight so we are pumped!

 

August 23, 2018

We met with our surgeon today for his heart surgery. It’s not scheduled yet but it’s good to understand what the day will look like and what to expect, what the risks are and how they will update us. I feel a lot better leaving that meeting. It’s a low risk and high success rate. We met for a long time and it’s too much to write about since Mom took 2 pages of notes! I’ll keep you updated as we know more about timing and what not. 

He has LOTS of wet diapers today because of both of his diuretics. He looks so much better today and acted more himself. He even got another massage and took half a bottle! 

Mom didn’t sleep much in his room last night because he beeped and cried all night so we are already in bed at Ronald McDonald House. I can’t wait for a good night sleep and a shower! 

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August 22, 2018

I’ve decided I dislike this site. I have now had 2 posts mysteriously disappear. It’s very frustrating because I pour my soul (sometimes an overshare and sometimes gibberish) into these posts and then somehow they don’t show up on my site. Customer service basically told me that their app sucks and not to post using it. To write it in word and post it in my browser and not the app. —>terrible review coming from their own employees. I will say though that the first time I contacted them about this the woman instantly said she and all of her coworkers had been reading my story and had me and Maxley in their prayers, very sweet! Weird to think that employees of CaringBridge, read CaringBridge. I must be good that pathetic. 

As you caught on to, yesterday’s post “mysteriously” vanished. If you said you could pay me $100 to come up with any percent of what I wrote yesterday, I couldn’t. I write and blab and then go to bed and then the day is forgotten. Days turn into weeks and week blur together living here to its impossible to recount specific days. I do remember that yesterday Maxley got his first massage, before I ever got one I might add. He loved it and cooed and stared up at her the whole time. 

Today, he was able to get taken off of his glucose meds completely and hopefully for good. They added another diuretic because he gained 230 grams last night, that’s way too much and way too scary. He is so bloated. That seems to be helping a little but he slept most the day and still isn’t himself. He was awake a tiny bit tonight and pretty content so we hope he is coming back to himself. This stuff all set us back weeks because we haven’t been able to bottle with him hardly at all. It’s hard. It’s hard to feel like we have ONLY gone backwards here. People say all the time how hard or frustrating it is to be here so you think you will be prepared but it’s harder that you can prepare for. 

I’m tired. Tired of the beeping, tired of dealing with staff people the second I get home from work, tired of the beeping, tired of parking in a parking garage, tired of the cords, did I mention the beeping? 

I am so tired I can’t even remember what else my mom told me happened today so I will leave it at that. Thank you to everyone who continues to read my rambles everyday, and for everyone who told me today that they missed my post last night. It makes me feel special, feel loved and feel needed.

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August 20, 2018

Today was my 5 year anniversary (back) at Lifetouch. I worked at a photo studio in high school owned by Lifetouch and worked at another one part time when I moved back from Canada in 2013. I started at Lifetouch corporate in May 2016. 


Maxley had a rough day today. For whatever reason he was really lethargic. He has been tachypneic (breathing fast) for a few days. He slept all day and we didn’t bottle him at all or “play” he just slept. It’s nothing to be concerned about but babies just have days like this. We have been playing with him more and so he might just be wiped from the weekend, who knows?

He is still really puffy (check out his right eye in the picture). Mostly his eyes and feet. His feet could be because he sleeps at an angle in the crib but they don’t know why his eyes are swollen. Endocrinology stopped by and ordered labs for a liver test to make sure his liver enzymes were ok and they are so we don’t know. He is on a really low dose of the blood sugar meds so he might even be able to get off of that while we are here. That would be one less thing to worry about when we go home. We thought he might be on it for a year or 2. Because he is hypoglycemic, it’s hard to tell when he would “outgrow” that and regulate on his own. We will just keep an eye (pun intended) on his puffy eyes and hope this diuretic is doing its job and that will go down. We also wondered if his eyes have anything to do with his new oxygen mask. 

His eyes are still kind of goopy from his feeding tube too. I can’t wait to get rid of that thing… not anytime soon but still!

Tonight a woman named Maria and her mom from an organization called Kylie’s hope stopped by. (http://kylieshope.com/) They had heard my story and designated a hole to me and Maxley at their golf tournament last weekend. They brought my mom and I dinner and we sat in the cafeteria and ate and chatted about our hospital stays. It’s so nice to hear other people’s story and that we aren’t alone. They also gave me a beautiful gift basket with a homemade blanket from kids at a Roseville elementary school, an elephant toy (how did she know I was obsessed?), a book, some baby clothes and an incredibly generous visa gift card. 

There are some amazing people in the world and I hope to one day be someone people can use as a resource for many many hard things I have been though in life.

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August 19, 2018

Big day full of cuddles and playing. He is liking sitting up using the boppy and does really well at holding his head up. He is really filling out but is still a bit swollen. 

We had a good talk with the rounding doctor today and it sounds like there is a good chance that we will be here until his surgery. That could happen anytime between the middle of October to middle or December. They want him 10 pounds but it will really depend on how Maxley is handling the congenital heart failure symptoms. 

He will for sure be on oxygen now until surgery which was hard to hear. It’s a lot of work and so much beeping and fiddling to get just right. It will be a lot of work if we do get to go home before the surgery because he will have to be on oxygen tanks and a mask. 

It’s weird because the nurses who come in and help him with his oxygen are very surprised to hear that he is new to being on oxygen and he hasn’t been on it this whole time. It’s so strange that we just never knew that him being on oxygen was something that was likely to happen. There is just so much that goes on here that we just have no clue. There are so many things that we don’t even know to ask. How would I have ever thought to ask if he would get put on oxygen even though he didn’t need it at birth. I remember asking our cardiologist what would happen when the heart failure kicked in but all they said was a diuretic but maybe they didn’t mention oxygen because they assumed he would be on it already. Hard to say. 

Mom and I snuck out today to stop at this gluten free bakery near the hospital, got lunch, got our nails done and grabbed some groceries before heading back to the hospital. Our primary nurse, Chris, was happy to rock and bottle him while we were gone.

 

August 18, 2018

Today was one year since we lost our first baby. I can’t believe all that has happened since that moment. 

Maxley took 2 full bottles today!! This is huge! Just 6 more full bottles in a day and we can go home! Ha, this will take a while but we are still bottling in between so we are maybe half way there! 

We lowered his blood sugar meds today and so hopefully that will help. There aren’t any changes we can notice today. 

We played on the floor for the first time and he didn’t last long. He just wants to be held and have his butt patted. He just wants to be upright with his chest against mine or grandmas. He sleeps so well and so hard that way. 

His blood sugars have been good and so once we get the oxygen under control that will make a big difference. His oxygen levels have had to be between 85% and 95% but today they lowered the range to 85% and 90%. This is better so his heart doesn’t have to work so hard. This is hard because if it drops below it dings loud and doesn’t stop until it comes back up or they mute it. Sometimes it takes them a while before they hear it and come in and so it really eats at you after weeks of this. Some days are worse than others and it depends on the time too. When his tummy is full he dings even more. Now if he goes over it dings high which is a lighter ding and just dings once every 10 seconds or so. It’s a lot less annoying.

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August 17, 2018

Maxley Russell is 5 pounds today! I think a lot of it is fluid retention from his meds but he is getting to be so big! 

I talked with the doctor today and they lowered his diazoxide (blood sugar meds) because his sugars have been so high. They are going to run more tests tomorrow to see if they can raise his diuretic as well. They don’t want to change too many things at once. The amount of oxygen he is getting had had to be raised so much because his oxygen levels are so low that they need to do something. They have only had to raise his oxygen levels and they should be able to wean him off eventually. 

Occupational therapy came and played with Maxley today too. They brought a mobile (his other one broke) and a boppy. She gave us some ideas of other things we can do to stimulate him too. 

Mom went home tonight and so Maxley and I had the night to ourselves. He had a large red throw up because of his antibiotics. Other than that, we had a decent night. A lot of time to think. It’s good and bad. I cry a lot when I’m alone but I think it’s only because I hold it in around other people. I think it’s healthy to let it out. 

It’s hard. My life is really fucking hard. If I ever make it seem like it’s not then I’m a good actress. I’m really unhappy. I have an amazing life and rationally I know I am so lucky to have what I do. It doesn’t mean I can be happy though. I do know I will be… some day. I have parts of my life I am so thankful for. 

I think my job keeps me sane. I have purpose and I’m good at what I do. I feel like a normal person when I’m at work.

I can be normal for minutes at a time until I remember that my husband died and I instantly feel like someone poured a semi of rocks onto my chest. I can be in the middle of a normal conversation about something completely random and halfway through a thought or someone else’s story, I physically can’t breath. I get lost in my own grief and remember that I’m alone now. That my best friend for the last 8 years is gone and I’m supposed to just move forward and raise our son alone. Alone in a world that I chose him to apart of with me. 

I hate that my grief is overwhelming my ability to be a good parent. I don’t have those overwhelming feelings of love that you hear about. I don’t look at my son and think I couldn’t live without him. I look at him and know Scott will never look into his eyes, that Maxley will never be held by him and that I’m forced to do it all. Those are the things I think of. 

I hate that I didn’t get the normal baby experience in any sense. With the shitty pregnancy, Scott dying and the NICU. Can I even catch a break? It’s too much for me to bear. It’s too hard. 

I wish I could fast forward to a time where I can feel happiness again. Where I can wake up every morning and have the ability to take a deep breath and not replay that night over and over again in my head. A day where I don’t replay my last moments with Scott and pray I dreamt it all. 

I also dread the day I am not overwhelmed with sadness because it feels like Scott is the sadness, I take him with me everywhere I go and it has become a part of me. I know that day will come but it’s really just not soon enough.

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August 16, 2018

Maxley laid on the floor for the first time today. He was given a play mat from physical therapy yesterday and we used it today. We lay a blanket down and he can lay there and look around. They want to simulate home as much as possible. When you’re at home with a baby, you put them on the floor or move them to the kitchen, etc. They see all different things and are stimulated in different ways so we are working on that more and more now that he can see a bit. There is a board with patterns on it and a mirror on the other side so that he can look at it (you can kind of see it in the picture). We had to get an extension for his oxygen tube so he can reach the floor now!

We joke because the other day my mom was holding him and walked to the other side of the room by the door to come in our room and I said, “oh weird, he has never been over here before!” He legitimately has never been to the other side of our tiny room. He has cords and things that prevent him from going too far and we usually just pick him up and rock with him. We have never even had him on the couch. Strange to think about how limited his little life is. 

Massage therapy cake and gave him a little massage. PT came but he was asleep so she couldn’t do much. 

My mom has a hard time getting much work done because he has been having tummy troubles because of his antibiotics and is fussy and wants to be loved all the time.

 

August 15, 2018

Maxley is 4lbs 14oz! He has gained a pound in 2 weeks… what!?

Physical therapy came today and brought a mobile, a play mat and a mirror for Maxley to start looking at since he is starting to be able to see. They are going off of his adjusted age which is how old he would be had he been born on time. So, he is 3 weeks adjusted tomorrow. Around then he would be able to start seeing me and looking around more. It will be fun to play on the floor with him with the play mat. 

Occupational therapy came today too and told us what we need to work on with him for his neck and everything to get stronger. He can lift his head really well and is so strong but if we were at home he would be on the floor more and being held in different positions so there is room for improvement for sure. 

We lowered his glucose meds because his blood sugars have been so high so endocrinology stopped by. We added in a probiotic to help upon Aunt Casie’s insistence. 

He is just bottling and growing! Everyone is saying he is getting so big and he is but he is still SO small, some preemie things are starting to fit but we put him in this elephant outfit that we had on him at a week old and you can see the difference…

 

August 14, 2018

9 Weeks Old!!

Sounds like we are going to be here a while. The doctor said, “a very long time.” It’s really disappointing. 

I don’t know how to describe our life here. It feels like everyone’s life should be on hold but it isn’t. Everyone’s life keeps going while we live here, in a hospital. It isn’t even that I hate being here, it’s inconvenient for sure but I don’t hate it. It’s extremely comfortable here, not in a literal sense because a pullout futon and an air mattress aren’t ideal but in a mental way. I feel safe here but I am ready (or at least I’m pretending to be ready) to go home. To try to start my new normal. I want to show Maxley his room and have newborn pictures taken in our home. I want to mourn my husband in our bed. I want to lay in a pile of his clothes and cry for 6 days straight. I want to put away the laundry basket of clothes that have been sitting in my closet for 10 weeks. I have only been home a couple of times and I’m dreading the day I have to spend more than an hour or so there. I guess I assumed if I brought Maxley home, it would be a happy place then. 

As much as I want to go home, I can’t breathe when I think about it. I truly think part of me thinks it will be easier when we go home. Maybe Scott will be there waiting for us. I really really wish he would be. I wish when I opened the door, he would be sitting on the brand new sofa we bought. He would be there to welcome our son into the home we bought to raise him in. I know it won’t be easier, it’s going to be a whole lot harder. I will probably beg for the days where the nurses helped take care of him but for now, it’s just a constant, exhausting, waiting game. 

Maxley has been taking between 18-22mils from each bottle he takes which is every other. This means he is getting about 25% orally. They lowered his blood sugar meds because his glucose has been high for over 24 hours now. This should lower the fluid in his lungs and hopefully help his oxygen levels. He is still on about 30% oxygen. When they lower it, he de-sats. The doctor also ordered physical therapy, music therapy and massage therapy. It should be nice to have these specialists coming in and helping him every once and while. 

Maxley was also up for about 4 or 5 hours straight this morning! That’s the longest ever!

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August 13, 2018

It’s hard to send updates when I’m gone most of the day now. Maybe my mom should start writing them?

Maxley had a good day at the hospital with Grandma! He bottles a few times and took a whole bottle for her tonight. 

Cardiology and endocrinology stopped by. Cardiology said all is good still and my mom got some questions answered as far as how long the surgery is and what to expect. Endocrin said we may lower his dose of the blood sugar meds because his blood sugar is in the 110’s now. That’s great because it makes him retain fluid making it harder to breath and why he needs the oxygen right now. We are hoping to wean him off of the oxygen here soon. 

We are sticking with the oral antibiotics at least for now. His doctor this week will re-evaluate each day if we need to IV him again. 

I suppose I never explained how the doctors here work. Maybe others know these things but I never did. I forget to explain some of the things that are “normal” now. The doctors round for about a week at a time and stop in every morning and go over things and answer questions. We have had about 7 different doctors in his 2 months of life. Some we have seen multiple weeks, others we had for 2 days and never again. They round all over the hospital and in other hospitals too. They also round different shifts and so they rotate quite a bit. They take amazing notes and remember little things we talked about even if it’s been weeks. We have had such a great experience here with the staff, nurses and doctors. 

I feel like we know everyone and we laugh with the check-in desk staff because we still have to check in everyday as we come and they know us by now but still need our ID.

It’s amazing how well you get to know people. 10 weeks today we have lived here, that’s a week less than the number of weeks I lived in my house before getting admitted. That means I’ve been without Scott for almost as long as we lived in our new home together. 

I miss him. 

I went to his old work today, Luther Brookdale Honda to get a car since I had given mine up after Scott passed. It was hard seeing his desk and all of his friends and colleagues. He loved that job. He cried when he left and missed the people a lot! They were so incredibly kind to me and everyone wanted to hug me. Everyone wants to help so much and I wish there was anything that anyone could do to make the constant burning from inside me fizzle even a little.

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August 12, 2018

2 Months Old!

I can’t believe he is 2 whole months old. I feel like time is different here in the hospital. 

It’s also National Elephant Day today. Anyone who knows me knows what a holiday this is for me! 🐘

Today he woke me up about 5:30 but I got a solid 5.5 hours of sleep so I felt pretty good! I went downstairs about 6:45 for breakfast at the cafeteria and came up and made coffee and snuggled with peanut the rest of the day. My mom came back up about 1 and we ran to target quick to get some groceries for work. 

Ronald McDonald House is closed until Friday for remodel and we normally eat at least a couple meals a day there. It will be tough to not have that option for food. 

His IV was compromised again and so they had to take this one out too. They called the doctor and they said to administer orally for tonight’s round and tomorrow we can ask the new rounding doctor if they want a new IV, a PICC or to continue orally for the next 7 days. 

I hate to keep putting in new IVs if we can do it orally but the oral meds aren’t as strong so they might have to redo it. Putting one in takes a few pokes too. It doesn’t usually work the first time so it’s a lot for him to go through. He also does this weird crying thing where he turns beet red and stops breathing. It really freaks the nurses out. But, maybe it can go back in his leg this time. That makes clothes easier too. 

He has been spitting up a few big ones a day but when we asked the doctor about it he said it was a laundry problem not a developmental one so that’s good. He is gaining well and up to 4lbs 10oz. He is still way behind but it’s progress.


He took 3 half bottles since 8am so in the last 12 hours he took 30% of his feeds orally. This is how they start to measure how well he does. They measure it on a full 24 hour basis. Once he is up to 80% orally they go to an ad lib method so they let him eat when he wants and not on schedule every 3 hours. Once he does that well, we go home. 

People keep asking me when we are going home and the truth is nobody knows. I’ve been saying a couple weeks for a couple weeks and we aren’t close. I would say at least a month but your guess is as good as mine. We have been here 10 weeks as of tomorrow (Monday) and it’s hard to sleep here and go to work and leave work and come back here. 

I think it will come to wear on me/ us but for now you do what you have to for your kids, hence why my mom is still here.

 

August 11, 2018

Maxley had to get his IV pulled because it had pulled out of his vein. They tried to put it in the other leg but it would stick so they had to put it in his arm. It’s not ideal since he uses his arms so much and now clothes don’t work since you can’t get them over the bandage. 

It takes a lot out of him and so he slept most the rest of the day. It was nice to just cuddle with him. He is getting so big! My mom left this afternoon to stay home for the day/ night. I went out to dinner/ drinks in St. Paul with friends too, it was nice to do “summer” things and sit on the patio and have drinks. 

I came back tonight and cuddled him a lot before bed. I swear he gets cuter everyday!

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August 10, 2018

Maxley is officially double his birth weight. He is 4lbs 8oz!! That is so crazy to me! It took my body 7 months to make him 2lbs 4oz and in about 8 weeks he got there on the outside. 

He is much more himself today as I stated in my earlier update. Mom held and cuddled him most the day. He was awake for bits and pieces and did well. 

He had something similar to a spinal tap to take fluid from the spine and test it for meningitis. The doctor said the fluid didn’t look like meningitis and the rapid result came back negative. The culture takes 24-48 hours but we’re pretty confident he doesn’t have it.

They figured out the UTI was caused by a strain of e-coli which is the most common form of bacteria so they were able to stop one of his IV drips. Tomorrow we should find which strain and make sure his antibiotics are correct. They will run a test when he gets bigger to test the kidneys to see if that is what caused it. Preemies are predisposed to have issues with kidneys and that could be why. 

He took 3 bottles today and about 20mils each bottle. He is showing cues and wants to be orally fed. He is still spitting up a little bit but sometimes it’s because we move him on a full tummy or he gags on the bottle and spits, it’s nothing concerning. 

I had a couples bridal shower tonight for the wedding Scott was supposed to be a groomsman in over Labor Day. It was with all of his college friends and their wives (and soon to be wife). It’s so fun and I love that group of friends. I met them all at the same time I met Scott and so we have been friends for as long as I can remember. It’s just so sad. So sad that Scott is missing these moments with our friends. Our lives just move forward and he is stuck. I hate that I am making new memories that he will never be a part of. The wedding will be so hard, I’m looking forward to celebrating the couple but man it will be hard to go to a wedding without Scott.

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August 10, 2018- Update from yesterday

Just a small update. Maxley is looking much better today. He slept well last night and got more labs done this morning. He is acting and looking more himself. The diuretic seems to be flushing the extra fluid so he doesn’t look so puffy. 

The doctor called me and said that he is fairly sure that he doesn’t have meningitis but the culture hasn’t come back yet and because he is so small and does have a UTI, they are going to do something similar to a spinal tap to run a conclusive test to know for sure.

The reason they ran the test in the first place is because of his lack of oxygen. It looks like the UTI wasn’t even causing this so it is kind of amazing we caught the UTI so early and hopefully before it turned into meningitis. The oxygen will still be needed for a couple more days at least until the diuretic really works and flushes all the fluid from his lungs. 

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. It was a scary night but I am feeling much better about it all. 

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August 9, 2018

The last 24 hours have been by far the craziest since he was born. It started yesterday when I was at work. (I posted about this yesterday) but Maxley couldn’t keep his oxygen levels up. They ended up blowing oxygen in his face to up his levels. He was doing better until the middle of the night. That’s when the “fun” began. 

The nurse woke me up in the middle of the night and said they couldn’t get his oxygen levels up and so they were going to put him on oxygen. He hasn’t been on oxygen at all, so that’s a scary step backward for me. They thought the blood sugar medicine was causing his lungs to get fluid built up (so can his heart defect) and so they ordered a chest x-ray and for lab to come draw blood and run labs and they did a catheter urine sample. They had to work all night at getting his levels up. The oxygen helped a lot. 

The doctor came in this morning before I left for work and said that they found white blood cells in the urine along with 2 other markers that indicates possible infection. They were pretty sure he had a urinary tract infection and so they started him on an antibiotic right away. It came back later that he does have a UTI and it could be meningitis. He doesn’t have a fever so we are hopeful it hasn’t turned into meningitis yet and we caught it in time. 

After the doctor left I went to work and the day just got crazier. I was lucky my mom was here all day. The IV team came and put in the large IV into his leg to start the 3 antibiotics. Endocrinology came by to talk about his hyperglycemia (his glucose has mostly all been good since his new meds). He is reacting well to the meds but he is retaining water, so they started him on a diuretic too. They are testing his glucose every 9 hours instead of every 6 which is nice, poor thing has to get poked so much. Cardiology stopped by to say no changes and we don’t need an echo again quite yet. Occupational therapy stopped by to check in, we won’t be bottling him for a couple days now until he is more himself again. Our social worker Anne stopped by. One of our nurses from the NICU stopped by to say hi. Her mother-in-law lives with Wegener’s (what Scott died from). A woman stopped in to tell us about a NICU party they are having and another woman came by with donated crochet blankets. 

Holy Crap!!! My poor mom, she got no sleep last night and then had the craziest day yet and had to keep me up to date all day on his activities. 

We are hoping to get some sleep tonight in his room but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. It’s all just way too soon from what happened to Scott. So many of the same things I’m hearing and I don’t know what questions to ask. It’s so overwhelming and there are so many subspecialties and people coming in and out. I try to remember as much as possible to post but I probably forget half of it. 

I am so scared something will happen to Maxley. He is all I have left of Scott and I am terrified to go through this again. I’m sure he is ok and I’m just hypersensitive because of that horrible day in June but I can’t help it.

 

August 8, 2018

I went back to work today. It was so nice to see everyone. I know I keep saying it but I genuinely love my job and love everyone I work with. Everyone gave me big hugs and asked about Maxley. My boss’s have been amazing and so accommodating. They took me out for a drink and it was nice to catch up with them. I am excited to jump back on the phones and try to catch up! I consider myself very lucky to love where I work so much. 

It’s hard to know what to say when I am trying not to cry the majority of my day. When I think about Scott I choke back tears. Getting back to “real world” just reminds me that he isn’t coming with me and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I didn’t get to call him on my way home and tell him what a good day I had or share the excitement of my sales awards. It’s not fair. I know life isn’t fair but my life REALLY isn’t fair. 


. . .

Maxley stayed here at the hospital despite his crying to come with me. Grandma stayed back with him and I knew he would be in good hands. He slept most of the day but kept de-sating (de-saturation) because he was breathing so hard and deep that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. My mom said they had to blow air in his face to breath in so that his levels would come back up. They don’t seem concerned but it’s something they will continue to monitor, like all the other things. 

I didn’t sleep a wink last night at RMH because there was a baby next door and my mind just doesn’t allow it. We are pooped and off to sleep in Maxley’s room, hopefully tonight will be better.

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August 7, 2018

8 weeks old!

I can’t believe I’ve been a mom for 8 weeks. I know everyone says this time flies by but if you told me he was born yesterday, I would believe you. I have dreamt of becoming a mom and dreamed of what this time would be like. I feel like I’ve been robbed, I hate that. I need more time. Instead, I am back to work tomorrow.

I met with my new therapist today. It was mostly informative. It was a lot of background info and just learning why I’m there. I do have to say I get a slight kick out of watching people unfold my shitty life. Like when I told her about how close together Scott passed and Maxley’s birth, how long it took to conceive, our miscarriage, the fact we just bought a house, going through immigration, etc. Her eyes just kept getting bigger. Hard to believe. 

I understand why people keep saying to write a book because my life is just so damn unbelievable but it’s a terrible story! Unless someone can introduce me to Josh Hartnett, nobody wants to read my book. 

. . .

Maxley has been really spitty. We will have to talk to the doctor about what we can do. His feedings are too short and I think his tummy can’t handle it. He is eating for 40 minutes and not eating for 2 hours and 20 minutes. He spits up several times a day and about half of what he ate. It’s counterproductive if he is losing some of the food. He is bottling every other feeding and pretty consistently taking about 25 mils. It’s such a long process, longer than anyone could guess.

 

August 6, 2018

Maxley is up to 4lbs 3oz. 

His glucose levels keep dropping and so they were able to get a lab draw and we met with endocrinology. His levels all came back relatively normal so they think it may be related to his chromosomal abnormality. They don’t know enough to say for sure but they put him a medication that should really raise his glucose levels. It’s not a permanent solution (at least they are hopeful it’s not). With growth, his pancreas should secrete insulin appropriately and he can get off the medication. They say usually after age 3 he should be able to get on growth hormone if/ when they fall behind in growth which can help with glucose too. 

He has had a few really big spit ups too. His little tummy can’t handle the volume of feeds he needs to. It’s 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. He threw up so much and so hard today that his feeding tube came out his mouth (see attached picture). He is up and down with his bottles too. 

It sounds like it could still be even a couple months in here. It’s really hard to hear. I am headed back to work on Wednesday. It’s going to be really hard, everything in my life reminds me of Scott. Being “back to normal” as people keep saying, is going to blow. 

I joined our monthly conference call today since I’m headed back now. I was announced as sales person of the year. I am equally proud of myself and sick to my stomach. I did this for him, no question. We pushed each other and I know I am who I am because of him. God I miss him. I hope I still have motivation for M and I, I’m not sure how I’ll even live one more day much less succeed at my career without him. We were an amazing team. 

Scott was awarded a top 25 salesman award for the 2nd year in a row at Luther, even after he had passed. It was so nice of them to give me the award to cherish. Scott was amazing at his job and took a lot of pride in it. He pushed himself and could do and sell anything he put his mind to. 

I start therapy tomorrow, more to come with that. I hope my therapist is a good fit, I might have to Goldilocks until I find one that’s “just right.”

We are planning the Vasculitis Walk in Prior Lake on September 22nd. I would love to raise awareness and funds for this horrible disease. Email me for more information, I would love for anyone to join! Kelseyjeanferguson@gmail.com

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August 5, 2018

I did post an update yesterday but there was a glitch and now I can’t find it. I will contact customer support and see if they can find it.

We slept at RMH last night and slept really well! We just worked on bottling and growing today! He is 4lbs 1oz and doing well with the bottle. 

It sounds like he will still be here a few weeks so I am thinking about going back to work soon. I only have a couple weeks of PTO and I really want to spend them at home with him. If he is in here even a couple more weeks, I will only have a week at home with him, I wish I could afford to take a couple months off and deal with my shitty life but I just can’t. It is going to be hard to not call Scott on my way to work or tell him when I have a good week. I know it’s gonna be harder than I can imagine to get back to “normal” life. Scott and I told each other everything and since we were both in sales we pushed each other and celebrated each others successes. 

Driving back to the hospital tonight from a friends house, I actually went to call Scott. I always called him when I was driving somewhere and it took me a minute to realize I can’t call him, ever. I started crying and then I just listened to the one voicemail I have from him over and over again. It was him talking about getting a mortgage and how he was going to go plow the driveway. At the end he clearly says, “I Love You.” It’s such a beautiful message to have on my phone. I can listen to him tell me he loves me anytime I want. I just want to call him, I want to tell him about how crazy my life has been and tell him about his beautiful son. I want to tell him about how well he is doing and how I wish he was here to celebrate his boy and share in the stress of it all. 

I dread going to bed at night, my brain just goes and there is no way to stop it. I am miserable but it just seems easier during the day with nurses in and out and so much going on, I don’t have time to think. At night, that’s all I do. 

Wish me luck on getting any sleep in M’s room.

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August 3, 2018

Today it has been 8 weeks since Scott left us and 8 years since we met for the first time at a Green Mill over drinks and laughs. I told him within 5 minutes that we would be best friends (I had a few cocktails and was being silly). Who knew he would be my entire world in such a short time?

Maxley had a big day today. He started his morning by gently waking us up by screaming as loudly as he could! It’s precious… especially when his mommy slept maybe 3 hours. It’s hard because I stay busy snuggling and keeping busy all day but at night, in the dark, my mind wanders. I just lay awake, so sad, so alone, so mad, so terrified and so depressed. Nights are by far the hardest for me, sometimes I’m ok but sometimes I just can’t sleep. You would think with a 7 week old baby, I wouldn’t be sleeping because of him but that’s just not the case. That IS however why my mom doesn’t sleep. 

His saturation (oxygen) levels drop if he isn’t breathing well enough or his monitor isn’t functioning well enough so he beeps a lot, it’s fun! On top of him crying (not often), his de-saturation’s, his food pump emptying, and then coming every 3 hours to do his “cares,” it seems like you blink and they are back in the room or you’re up patting his butt back to sleep. He LOVES that! 

She may not be sleeping but she is keeping me sane, running a business, putting my life back together, keeping me sane, helping with Maxley, and did I say keeping me sane? All while looking great, daily gym wear and all! 

We had a busy busy day of guests today and Maxley loved all the attention. He met some new friends but missed Grandma while she went home and worked for the day! 

He drank a WHOLE bottle for one of his favorite nurses, Karen, at 8am, that is 38 milliliters people!! Just wait… he did it again at 8pm!!! What!?? He is so big!! It’s just a matter of time before we’re walking him into our house!

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August 2, 2018

Same ol’ same ol’ around here. 

Sleeping, eating, pooping, snuggling, sleeping, and then he does it all over again! 

There isn’t really an update but I feel bad not sending an one because I’ve been told people look forward to my updates first thing in the morning. Do me a favor? Can you [heart] my post if you look forward to my posts everyday? I can’t see who is reading them everyday very easily so I’m curious! 

My friends are telling me I’ve become a blogger. Never saw that coming. Not sure when I’ll stop sending updates, hard to say. I guess I just assume when people get tired of my updates, they will unsubscribe and stop reading! 

We are off to sleep in M’s room… wish us luck!

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August 1, 2018

I have to say I thought I would be home come August. It’s hard now that it’s come and we are still here. I’m stuck in this mental place of dreading going home but sick of being here. It’s been over 8 weeks of living in this hospital and I have to go back to work this month. I wish I could afford to take more time off… doesn’t everyone?


Maxley is just working on eating. He started his day with a nice bath. He slept almost all day (growth spurt?). His glucose was good again so they couldn’t draw labs. They put him on this sensitive formula to see if he tolerates that better than the last kind. We are doing formula every other feeding. We will see. 


He is 4lbs 1oz and up to 38 mls ever 3 hours. That’s 1.2oz, about a shot of alcohol… weird to think about! 

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July 31, 2018

7 weeks old!!

Maxley went 24 hours with drinking a bottle for each feeding. Not the whole bottle (maybe a third) but the fact that he was interested enough to drink each time is a HUGE win!! He had to do this but drink 80% of his bottle every feeding and we should be on our way home!!

The end is in sight… even if it’s a few weeks away yet. 

I’m so proud of him, it breaks my heart but Scott would be too. He would be telling everyone he saw in the hallway about his boy who is surpassing everyone’s expectations. He would be reminding the doctors that they thought he was terminal and incompatible with life just 4 months ago. My whole world has changed, twice, since that diagnosis but one thing I can be happy about it M’s progress and that the doctors were flat wrong. 

His glucose dropped today so we called the lab to come draw his blood and it took 30 minutes to get them up here and then she stuck him on his leg and then his arm and neither time she got any blood. She needed 6ml and she got 0. I think he clots quickly? They will try again tomorrow and hopefully stick him a different way. 

They really spaced out the feedings so his glucose was screwed up all day. They are adding in a different formula after they stopped the other one due to spitting. It’s a gentler formula so we will see. They started it at 11pm tonight and will probably do another one tomorrow at 11am. They think it should have more fat in it than the breast milk and therefore help him gain faster. 

We didn’t get much sleep last night since Maxley wanted to show us how strong his lungs have gotten… all night long. We are at RMH tonight in our favorite room, room #1. It’s the only room (out of 15) that has 2 beds. It has 2 twin beds and the house manager said everyone else hates this room because of the small beds and that it’s right by the main door which slams shut when people come in and out. Both mom and I are hard sleepers so we would take this room any day. We don’t mind sharing but this is the best option!!

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July 30, 2018

FOUR pounds!! My little 2 lb. 4 oz nugget is 4 lbs.!! 

I can’t believe that I think he looks big when he is still half the size of his cousin Wyatt when he was born! 

He bottled 5 times today! We did some back to back and he actually did pretty good!! This is so encouraging because it feels like a Huge step to going home. He has enough energy to bottle every time just not the whole bottle. Baby steps.

I was accepted into a Facebook group for young Widows today. I applied a few weeks ago and got invited today. There are almost 500 members all over the world but I think all of them have lost their spouse this year. It’s insane how much I relate to some of these women, a few here in Minneapolis. I feel so good knowing there are people out there that relate to me and can empathize with me. It’s so hard and my friends have been incredible but they don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like to have to re-plan my whole life in the blink of an eye. They don’t know what it’s like to cry everyday. They don’t know what it’s like to try not to cry anytime I see a dad with young kids or think about Scott not meeting his son (about every 6 seconds). They don’t know what it’s like to have this horrible stomach ache 24/7 that only gets worse when I think about him. I already love the group and think it will help me a lot! 

More bottling practice tomorrow…

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July 29, 2018

Days fly by here. I say it all the time but it’s true! Even visitors say it when they are here. The only way we know what time it is is when the nurses switch shifts. Chris is Maxley’s primary day nurse and when she comes in to tell us she is leaving we know it’s 7:00pm. Then we say, “jeez, is it 7 already?” This happens everyday. People ask me if we are bored here or what we do all day and I have NO idea! We are never bored and we don’t know where our days go. 

We have a little routine everyday. Depending on where we sleep we get up and go to Ronald McDonald to make breakfast. Mom makes eggs (sometimes I have cereal) and we sit next to the window and eat and chat. After breakfast we clean our dishes and go back to Maxley’s room. I wash my hands for the thousandth time that week and get Maxley out of his crib and rock/ cuddle him. Mom goes to the break room in the ICC and makes us coffee in the Keurig. We can bring our own pods in and use the machine! She comes back in and hands me my coffee and she starts working. Sometimes we put on Netflix on the laptop (no tv in our room) in the background. I hold M most the day while mom works and sorts out my life in shambles. Sometimes we get the salad bar down in the hospital cafeteria for lunch and sit out on picnic tables to get outside. Dinner always varies and depends on visitors but we eat at Ronald McDonald House quite a bit. 

Maxley LOVES being held. He really only likes to be held and doesn’t like spending time in his crib as much. He is very easy going and seems to be content 95% of the day. He still only cries with a dirty diaper and now if he is hungry. Since they are spacing his feedings out more and more he is getting hungry before it’s “time” to eat. He can eat early if he is fussy but can’t get him too far off his feeding schedules. He is on an 8-11-2-5 schedule. That means he gets fed at 8, 11,2 and 5 both AM and PM. At those times they do his “cares” which is blood pressure, diaper change, listen to heart and lungs, take temperature and then start his feedings or get the bottle ready. 

He is loving eating and does really well with it. He is eating about 3-4 times a day and we try not to do back to back bottles. We try to do the 8 and 2 and 8. 

We fasted him today to try to get his glucose down but it was 82. They wanted it below 40 to run the test. 82 is actually really good but in order to find out why his glucose usually drops we need it to be too low. We will try again tomorrow. There is a chance that it is better since he is growing and gaining everyday. A good glucose for him is between about 50 and 130. 

Off to bed at RMH. We are sharing a queen bed and there is a

pillow jammed between us since someone is a bed hog ((me).

July 28, 2018

Not much to report today. He still seems to have a tummy ache as he is fussier than normal. He isn’t adjusting as well to the formula as we hoped. We may take a break for 48 hours to see if he does better off of it. 


We tried fasting him today to get his glucose to drop but it didn’t drop enough to test his blood so we will try again tomorrow. 


Mom is gone tonight for a night off so my sisters came up and we had a glass of wine and talked all night. It’s nice to give my mom a break and to see my sisters, like before everything happened.

July 27, 2018

Uneventful day in Maxley land. 

We are slowly adding in formula 2 feedings a day. Formula has more fat and they can control exactly how much fat and calories he gets. They will slowly get him to full formula feedings. They think he might gain a little faster on it. 

We also met with endocrinology today. They are going to make his glucose drop at some point tomorrow and test his blood sugar at that point. They are trying to get a better idea of why he can’t maintain his glucose levels. It is pretty common in IUGR (inter-uterun growth restricted) babies but even still it should be normal since he is term now. It may have something to do with his chromosomal abnormality but it’s too hard to know since there is such little research on it. They will hopefully know more after the blood tests come back next week. 

They may put him on human growth hormone which will help him grow and help maintain his glucose, we will see. 

Great Grandma came up tonight with Aunt Codi and Great Grandma got to hold him for the first time!

 

July 26, 2018

Today was Maxley’s due date! It’s so weird to think of how much we thought of this day. Since November when we found out we were expecting again to February when we knew it was a boy, Scott and I had a countdown to this day. We were ready to be parents long before we were married and could not wait for this day. 

I keep saying it but I can’t think of anyone who would be a better parent than Scott. He deserved to be a dad. He would have been incredible. He was more patient than me and way more fun! I told him a lot that he would have been the fun parent, Maxley would have loved him. I would do anything, absolutely anything to watch Scott with him. To see him smile when he looked at him, to stress when Maxley cried, to fawn over his hair and to tell everyone about how well M is doing and that he is proving doctors wrong. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I will never see that. Scott will never see his son, how? How is that even possible?? He deserved to. It’s not fair. God I miss him. My heart hurts, it hurts 100% of the time and I want to make it stop. 

It’s strange that our baby is already 6 weeks old and that means it’s been 7 since Scott left us. 

Maxley is 3lbs 13oz and drinking a bottle like a champ! He started his day with a bath in an actual baby bath tub! It was his first bath where he sat in the water. He seemed to like the warm water and was calm for most of it. 

Codi made the onesie that he rocked today! I put him in it after his bath and went to take a picture and he had his first massive spit up all over himself and the onesie. I didn’t get a good picture so we had to wash the onesie, blow dry it and try again! (Oh what I will do for a good picture, M better get used to it!)

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July 25, 2018

Maxley was more himself today and seems to be adjusting well to the new bed. 


His feedings are at 90 minutes and not eating for 90. He supplemented 1 feeding for formula to up his calorie intake. He handled it well and they might up that to more feedings to get him to grow. 


I had my 6 week follow up today and it went well. The doctors have all been following my story so they wanted to see pictures of Maxley and hear how I have been. I’ve been going there twice a week since April. We got to know them really well and they all knew Scott too. 


M and I just cuddled most the day and he took 3 bottles! Mom fed him and he did really well with it!

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July 24, 2018

6 weeks old!

Maxley had a rough night, the 3 of us didn’t sleep much. He was really not himself and cried a lot. He had really bad reflux and just wasn’t happy. I think it was the stimulation of the new bed and all the changes with that. He was more himself today and so I hope tonight goes better. 

Mom and I got a lot done today with a few errands we had to run away from the hospital and back at my house. It’s never easy being at my house, I don’t know how I will move back there. It’s so vivid of us being there since we just moved in. 

We also stopped by the cemetery to see Scott. I was able to spend some time with him, just us. I tried asking for guidance and to show me that he isn’t angry that he is gone. I can not get over the fact that he isn’t angry. I would be so mad if it were me and I can’t imagine he isn’t mad he didn’t get to meet his son. He wanted this more than anything in the world and I know he would be pissed at whoever took that away from him. 

I think it will take time to understand that he is ok, he is happy and he has accepted it. 

For now, I grieve. I grieve all day everyday.

July 23rd 2018

Big day in room 8! 

Maxley got a big boy bed today! He got moved to a crib. So far he doesn’t like it. He has to be wrapped quite a bit the first few days in the crib just to be sure he can keep his temperature and he isn’t loving all the layers. The nurses say that babies take a few days to acclimate. He seems to be much more tired today probably using energy to stay warm when he isn’t used to that. He didn’t want anything to do with the 3 bottles I gave him today, again probably the bed thing. He only drank about 6ml each time which is low for what he has been doing. 

It’s so interesting that the nurses say how much a little stimulation exhausts them. Just the change in scenery in his bed is a lot for him. 

Because he can be out more he also got a mamaroo in his room today! It’s a high tech baby swing kinda thing. He liked that for the bit we put him in it. 

Scott’s family headed back to Canada this afternoon. It was so nice having them here and we were so sad to see them go. Maxley and I will get to see them soon though.

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July 22, 2018

Another hard day. Today was the burial. It was a beautiful day outside, hot, which he would have hated.

It was a nice service with family and friends. We lowered the ashes and were all able to shovel dirt in. We released a balloon for Maxley, one for Lotus and one for Brooklyn and Wyatt. Then we all took a shot of Fireball for Scott. 

It feels like it gets harder. It’s completely surreal. I was expecting him to be standing next to me taking a shot with us. He never missed an opportunity to be with friends or to celebrate any occasion. 

I can’t believe he is gone. I cant express my pain in words, I’m miserable. Holding Maxley takes away an ounce of the 10 ton weight that sits on my heart every moment of every day. 

Maxley had a good day. Not much to report other than peeing out of a couple diapers and a blow out. 

It will be nice to going back to spending my days with him. The last few days I’ve had to be away from him a lot.

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July 21, 2018

Today, the 21st of July, I said “see you later” to THE guy. To the best guy. 

21 was our lucky number. 

Scott and I were both number 21 in basketball growing up and we found this out when we were just friends and a friend at dinner one night asked “what number were you” when talking about playing basketball growing up. Both thinking they were talking to us we answered 21 at the same time and looked at each other. When we made eye contact I felt something I had never felt before, it sounds dumb but I felt sparks. We both talked about that even after we got married how we both felt this instant connection. It was always that way with him, I felt sparks everyday even 8 years later. 

Maxley’s chromosomal case will be the 21st case recorded… it can only be good. 

Maxley had a good day while we were gone. He is up to 3lbs 12oz. He had a bath and slept most the day. He is taking a couple bottles a day and doing well with them. 

I’m starting to see Scottie in Maxley and it makes it just a little easier. If Scott is up there and has any say in how Maxley looks, I want him to look just like his daddy. 

I want to say thank you for everyone who could make it out today. I felt the outpouring of love today and everyday since. It makes it just a little easier to know I have so many people rooting for Maxley and I. I think the service went well and tomorrow is the burial. I’m looking forward to having a physical place to mourn my Scott. 

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July 20, 2018

Well, tomorrow is the day. I am not ready to say goodbye or even see you later. 

My in-laws and one of Scott’s friends flew in today for the service, it’s nice to see them and amazing to see my beautiful niece, Lotus. She is a stunning little 1 year old and has gotten so big! 

Maxley had a good day and there wasn’t much change for him. We just snuggled him and he got to be held by all his family and friends. 

We are off to bed early to try and get a good night sleep before tomorrow.

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July 19, 2018

HUGE day for Maxley & I.

Maxley bottled first this this morning at 9 and drank The. Whole. Dang. Thing. 

25 mils in about 20 minutes!! It was so amazing! The nurse and OT were so thrilled! They couldn’t believe it. His second bottle tonight he drank 13 mils which is still really good. They thought he would be exhausted and just sleep all day after drinking so much at once so that was a good sign he could still bottle that much. 

The doctor is switching him to Q3 which means he will eat once every 3 hours instead of once every 2 like he has been doing. He will eat for 90 minutes and then not eat for 90. They will slowly start lowering the 90 minutes of eating to get to a more manageable bottling time (30 minutes-ish). They will have to check his glucose every 3 feedings (9 hours) and then lower it by 10 minutes. 

We will see how that goes with him tolerating. It’s such a science to get these babies to eat, it’s kind of incredible. They know one little thing to do to change everything and it makes such a difference. 

Our WCCO story aired tonight and it seems like it went well. 

My Canadian Family flies in tomorrow for the funeral and Maxley can hardly wait to see them!! He has asking for them for weeks. 

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July 18, 2018

Maxley is up to 3lbs 10oz! It feels so close to 4lbs.

He took 14ml from a bottle today from the nurse! That’s over half of the 24ml he is getting in 2 hours. He is down to feeding for 50 minutes and off for an hour and 10 minutes. His glucose has stayed good with this and he is tolerating it well. 

I gave him a bottle tonight and he took 8 which is the most he took from me! 

I went to test drive cars today since I don’t have a car anymore. I decided it makes sense to lease something so I have a new car that I won’t ever have to worry about having issues with. I went to the dealership that Scott worked at and looked at a few options. It was hard to be there, I see Scott everywhere. I keep expecting he will walk into the room. When my phone rings I think it’s Scott calling until I remember. I think of stuff that I need to tell him until I remember. It’s so hard to find a new normal without my person. 

This afternoon Kate Raddatz from WCCO came and interviewed me. It will air tomorrow night at 5:00. I am not sure how it will look but as long as it gets awareness out and keeps Scott’s memory alive I’ll be happy. 

My mom is away again tonight so it’s nice to have a little time just Maxley and I. It gets lonely here and sometimes I really just can’t breathe but I need to figure out how to be alone. I’m a single parent and it is unfair but I will be alone with Maxley a lot now.

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July 17, 2018

5 Weeks old and up another ounce. M is 3lbs 9oz! 

He had another echo this afternoon and that looked good. Nothing new had come up so that’s reassuring. He has no signs of congestive heart failure which they expected to see by 6 weeks old. The cardiologist said that he might not show signs until later. Once he starts to show signs it means he needs to go on a diuretic to flush out the fluid in his lungs until his surgery. 

We had a busy day with guests and bottling and then Codi, Casie and I took my mom out for Manis, Pedis and dinner in Hopkins. It was nice to go out with the girls for the night and so normal stuff. 

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July 16, 2018

1600 grams today. He is still 3.5 pounds. 

He only bottled once today since we had a photo shoot and left to run errands but he did really well with it. 

He is doing well with his glucose levels and his sodium levels they ran today came back normal too. 

They are slowly lowering his feeding times by about 5 minutes a day. They can try to do it faster but then they have to test his glucose levels more often which means lots of heel pricks and those aren’t fun for him. If they do it slowly they can allow his glucose to level out slowly. 

My mom has OFFICIALLY moved in. It has nothing to do with the fact that we have been here 6 weeks now… she found a bottle of coconut oil and used it to oil our bathroom door so that it doesn’t squeak anymore. Thank you for being you, mom! 

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July 15, 2018

Maxley is still at 3 lbs. 8 oz. We were surprised that he gained another 10 grams instead of losing any. He is almost at 1600 grams and he needs to get to about 1800 before they give him a crib, he is getting there! 

Mom and I spent most of the day away from the hospital. We needed to pick a plot at the cemetery and then we went to my house and got a ton of stuff done. We still had so many things to go through and organize and so a couple people came over and helped and we got it done! Then we met with a couple friends of Codi’s that are helping put on a benefit for Scott. It will be one of the first weekends in October at the VFW in Prior Lake. We also got everything we need for the funeral organized and ready to be dropped off. 

We got back to Maxley’s room tonight and learned he had bottled 12 milliliters with a nurse today! I am so proud of him! Mom and I need a little more practice but we will get there. I am sure he loved being fed by someone who know what the heck they were doing. 

Maxley went to bed early because we have a photographer coming tomorrow and he needs his beauty sleep!!

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July 14, 2018

Maxley is up to 3 1/2 pounds! He had a big jump so he might have a drop in weight tomorrow but for now we celebrate! 

Otherwise today was more bottling and sleeping! He took 6ml (.2 oz) during one feeding today which is great! Big steps. He only gets .74 oz every 2 hours so the fact that he is drinking almost a third of that in about 20 minutes is great!

We talked to the doctor about timing and when we can expect to be busting out and she thinks at least another month. It’s hard to imagine being here another month because I’ve been here almost 6 weeks already. I’m glad he is getting the best care possible and in the long run 2 months here isn’t a ton but I only have 12 weeks of maternity and it isn’t paid so I will have to go back to work pretty quick after getting home. I am looking forward to going back to work since I love my job and I love my coworkers more. I think the routine will be good for me. 

I honestly just can’t believe I’m living in the place that Scott died. I relive that day so often. Not that I think I won’t when I go home but it’s so horrible to be here in the place that changed everything for me. 

The funeral service is next Saturday and we are just finalizing plans for that. I’m looking forward to celebrating his life and trying to begin my new normal.

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July 13, 2018

Maxley is 3lbs 5oz today! A little at a time and it’s going well. 

Grandma Terri had a big day today. She helped give Maxley a bath and she got to give him a bottle today! She did really well and said it is definitely harder than it seems. You would think it would be simple but it’s so many things to think about at once. 

It’s the 3rd bath I’ve helped with and Grandma Terri’s first. They usually do it at night after we go to bed so we don’t get to see it. He likes getting his hair washed a lot! 

He stayed awake tonight for almost 2 hours straight!! That is by far the longest he has ever stayed awake at one time. It’s so cute to see him develop.

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June 12, 2018

One Month Old!

I can’t believe it’s been a month. I am so ready to take him home but everyday that goes by I hate that’s it’s one more day since I’ve seen Scott. I hate that eventually it will have been 2 months, 3 months, a year, 6 years. I can’t breath when I think about going that long without talking to him. I miss him so much. It doesn’t feel real to me. I’m still waiting for him to walk through the door. 

I hate that he is missing out on Maxley’s milestones. He would be so proud of his son. I would give anything to watch them together. I can’t believe I never will. 

Today was a hard day but otherwise uneventful. He drank out of 2 bottles, 3ml each time. Once this morning and once tonight. 

He is 3lbs 4oz and so he is officially up 1 pound since his birthday! 

He is getting 22ml over 75 minutes and then doesn’t eat for 45 minutes and he is holding his glucose levels which is good. 

False alarm on him moving to a crib soon. Not a big deal but one of the nurses told us he might and the doctor nixed that real quick. She said it would be weeks before he moved to a crib. It’s only frustrating because everyone says something different and you would think you could trust that the nurses know what they are talking about but it isn’t the first time we have been misled. Another nurse told us he might be going home around a month old… obviously not! If it’s weeks before he moves to the crib, I just know it will be a while before we go home. His due date is 2 weeks from today, that is usually the expected discharge date. He is 38 weeks gestation today so almost full term. They still count gestation age here.

July 11, 2018

HUGE day for little man! 

Maxley drank out of his first bottle!!! He did so well! The OT was so impressed. The nipple they use is an ultra-preemie slow flow. It basically drips teeny tiny amounts. First bottle he only had about 1-2ml in about 15 minutes, no choking or anything. It’s really hard to get the suck swallow breath down for a preemie. He has to pause and breath a lot, it takes a lot of him. He slept like a rock after that. His second bottle (we can do 2-3 per day) he drank 3ml in about 10 minutes so a big improvement. He did have one little choke where he tried to drink too much at once but recovered well and wanted more right away. 

Maxley and I slept alone last night (without mom) and it went well. It was about 12 hours which is by far the longest I have been alone since Scott passed. It’s nice to take baby steps and not get overwhelmed with loneliness. 

One day at a time and “we’ll figure it out.”

That’s the tattoo I got to honor Scott. He used to say it a lot and it couldn’t be more fitting now. I have to figure it out. 

We are back at RMH (Ronald McDonald House) for the night and got to shower and get so sleep in actual beds, score!

Night night… tomorrow my baby is one month old!

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July 10, 2018

We started our morning with good news! His head ultrasound came back normal! They did one his first week and then again at 4 weeks. ((I can’t believe he is 4 weeks old!)) 

With the gel in his hair from the ultrasound I was able to put his hair in a bit of a Mohawk. He looks so cute! 

We met with the funeral home and the church… that sucked. Who knew? 

Maxley got a new isolet today and it sounds like he will be graduating to a crib soon! Hs is pretty much at room temperature in it so hopefully soon! 

I came back to the hospital late tonight with my sister, Codi, and gave mom the night off.

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July 9, 2018

Mom and I started our morning at 6am when the eye doctor came in to look at Maxley’s eyes. They were dilated at 5:30 and then she came in and put these things under his eyelids to keep them open. That was hard to listen to him scream but… he passed!! His eyes are mature and so he doesn’t need another eye exam until he is one unless I think otherwise (lazy eye, etc.) Our primary nurse, Chris, said she hardly ever sees babies pass on the first exam! GO MAXLEY!! 

We were able to drift in and out of sleep after that until about 8:45 since we were back in his room last night, it’s pretty noisy in here. He was really stressed from his eye exam and so he kept desaturating so his alarms were going off every few minutes. Most babies heart rates drop all day and their bodies get really stressed. M did ok, considering but it’s hard to listen to his alarms go off all day because they are annoying, you don’t know how to help and you just don’t get any relief from the constant beeping and babies crying in the ICC unit. His eyes were red and puffy most the day and he couldn’t open them for several hours, he was also kinda out of it. It’s weird seeing him act different than his normal self, even though I am still getting to know him and his personality!

He is up to 3lbs 3oz and has officially grown an inch! (I think we were told he had before but we think that was an error, now he officially has!) 


His Bolus feeds are trucking along. His glucose is so up and down and they were checking it every 2 hours and so having to poke him that often sucks. They decided to slow down his feeds since there is no rush and just keep it at 75 minutes of feeding, and 45 minutes of no food. Sounds like we will stick with this for a few days. His glucose levels are pretty stable at his time level. 

Tomorrow we are meeting with the funeral home and church for the funeral on the 21st. It will be a hard day but I have to get through it.

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July 8, 2018

It’s been a month since Scott passed away. Everyday feels like a million years and yet time flies here in the hospital. 

M is up to 3lbs 2oz! He has been really up and down with his glucose levels so they are still trying to get that under control. One of his nurses said it could be because of his chromosomal deletion. Not sure what the next steps will be. 

He had a bath this morning and his hair was so fluffy! His navy onesie made his eyes really pop. 

Mom and I got out twice today. Once to go to Casie’s pool for an hour and once to go to grandmas for dinner. It’s hard being away but we stopped at my house again and it’s been good to take these baby steps before I bring Maxley home. 

We were at Ronald McDonald last night but back in his room tonight, I hope he sleeps better than he has been!

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July 7, 2018

Maxley had all good glucose readings so we should be able to forge ahead on Bolus feedings with no issues! They are already spacing them out. They started with 90 minutes on and 30 minutes off. By tonight we are already at 70 minutes on and 50 minutes off and he is doing good! They keep lowering it by 5 minute increments 4 feedings at a time. We will eventually be at 30 minutes on and 90 minutes off. If he can maintain his glucose and stay satisfied, we win!

After he has the 30 minute feedings down and he is gaining weight, we can focus on orally feeding from a bottle. He isn’t ready for the bottle feeding but we are working on his oral cues and getting him rest when the time comes. 

He also gained 100 grams and is back up to 3lbs 1oz. 

He is obsessed with his pacifier and can’t sleep without it unless mom and Grandma are awake. Ha! When mom and Grandma are sleeping then he CAN’T sleep without it. We had another sleepless night last night in his room. Maxley seemed to sleep better last night than the nights before but the nurses were louder when coming in to check his glucose and do his cares which was hard to sleep through. 


3 years ago today Scott and I got engaged. It was the day after my birthday and we had gone to a twins game. He acted weird all night but when we got home I figured he would have done it already if he was going to do it. I put my pjs on, sat on the couch and he started pacing around our apartment. Finally he walked over and got down on one knee, I was shocked! It was one of the best moments of my life. After almost 5 years together, we were engaged! Today should have been spent celebrating our “engageversary” but I spent today disappointed because it was Scott’s service back in Canada and I wasn’t there. I wished I could have been there and celebrated my husbands life. 

Scott’s service here in Minnesota will be on July 21st at Shepherd of the Lake Church in Prior Lake. It will begin at 1:00pm and the visitation will begin at 10:30am.

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July 6, 2018

Well… I’m 30 today. It sucks. Maxley was so upset that he lost 2oz. He is down to 2lbs 14oz. They aren’t sure why but they don’t seem concerned. He also went to Bolus feedings again today. They started slowly by doing 90 minutes on 30 off and so far his glucose is ok. It dropped to 57 (needs to be over 60 but closer to 100) but now has been in the 90s. They will test him again at 3am and see how he does. 

His belly button fell off today too!! It is SO tiny. It isn’t even indented at all and is flush with his tummy. I think it might be because his umbilical cord was so skinny. 

During my c-section the doctor even made my mom stand up and look at how thin the cord was. This probably played into his lack of growth in utero. 

I got out twice today. Once to get a tattoo in Scott’s honor and the second time was to do dinner with family and friends. We got sushi and I had my first drink in almost a year! It was nice to be out and enjoy the nice weather but also get my snuggles in with Maxley.

It was the perfect birthday… considering.

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July 5, 2018

His doctor upped his feedings to 9 ml/ hr. He is tolerating it really well and we will keep increasing it a little at a time based off his weight. 

M and I spent most the day alone since my mom was able to get out for a hair appointment and to get a few things done. We held down our small hospital room just the 2 of us. 

Last night was also the first night Mom and I spent in his room with him. We are here again tonight too. We had been at Ronald McDonald for almost 3 weeks. We are so incredibly appreciative of everything they have done for us. We will apply for a room every night and we hope that we will sometimes get to stay there. That would be a nice change of pace from the couch and blow up bed we’re crashing on now. It would also mean a shower in our room vs the public shower stall. 

It was interesting sharing a room with Maxley. I learned he NEEDS his pacifier to sleep. He also screams when he doesn’t have it… it’s fun! Welcome to parenthood?

His pacifier is so big it’s hard for him to keep it in his mouth so it lasts about 10 minutes before it falls out and I have to get up and give it to him again. This went on almost the night. The nurses also come in every few hours to do his “cares” and between those to change his feeding syringe.

Sometimes I can mold his bed to keep the pacifier in a little longer but it doesn’t always work. His bed he sleeps on is called a Z-Flo. It’s like a pillow but completely moldable. It’s made from corn starch and so it acts like play-doh. The nurses mold it so it’s perfect for whatever side he is laying on or tummy time, etc. It helps keep his head round since a lot of NICU babies spend most their time in the isolet. Doctors had noticed that preemie babies had more fragile bones. They realized it was because they weren’t able to kick the uterus walls to harden their bones so this bed helps with that. 

((I know too much being here))

It’s funny though because he can have stuffed animals, blankets and other things that are normally a choking hazard in there with him because he is always on monitors. It’s weird to put him to bed on his tummy with blankets and a stuffed animal since they tell you to never do that at home. 

Off to bed, when I wake up… I will have entered a new decade of life. 

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July 4, 2018

Happy 4th of July!!

Maxley was so excited to celebrate his American half today! 

He grew an ounce and is up to 3lbs 1oz.

Another day in clothes with no incidents! I changed him for a quick photo op in his 4th or July outfit but it was way too big so he didn’t stay in it. ((See Photo))

He slept through the fireworks but we had a good view from our hospital room of the Minneapolis skyline and several fireworks shows. 

Today was hard, this is normally my favorite holiday and while I got to spend it with family and friends… it was very hard to not have Scott here with me. Instead I wrote his obituary. 

I am surprised by the things I find hard. It’s not holding Maxley, looking at pictures or even talking about Scott. It’s mundane everyday activities that we have done together for years. I don’t know how this ever gets easier. Maybe the next 4th of July will be.

 

July 3, 2018

3 POUNDS!!!

He did it… he is 3 pounds for his 3 week birthday (on July 3rd)! 

He is changing so much and it’s fun to see. He is also starting to fit into some of the preemie clothes a little better. Preemie clothes are usually made for 3-5 pounds so he will be able to wear them for a few weeks now. 

He is gaining roughly half a pound per week and it should only go up from here!

He is VERY excited to celebrate his American half tomorrow with his moms favorite holiday! 

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July 2, 2018

Maxley is up to 2lbs 15oz! He was so excited, he slept all day. He also stayed in his same outfit all day… woohoo! 

Cardiology stopped in again and we got some questions answered in regards to timing of surgery and how long he will be in here post op. It’s a lot longer than we thought and he has some restrictions for going back to daycare so that will be tough and means more time off work for me. 

Everyday when specialists come in and talk with us, they answer questions we didn’t even know we had. They also make us think about stuff that we hadn’t thought of before. 

Mom and I got out of the hospital again tonight. I had dinner with Scott & I’s college friends to celebrate one of the guys birthdays. Mom dropped me off and went and ran some errands, I think she liked me letting her out of the hospital.

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July 1, 2018

Happy Birthday Grandma Terri && Happy Canada Day! 

Both which are very important holidays in the Shepherd/ Ferguson houses. I wish we felt like celebrating. Every holiday and event will be rough for a long while. It’s hard when a whole (big) piece of our family is missing. 

…………..

Maxley gained 5 grams yesterday, that is the weight of a nickel! It’s not a lot but every nickel counts. 

Uncle Justin got to hold him today for the first time and they both did great! Uncle Justin only told Maxley 2 bad jokes, he must be prepping him for Grandpa Paul’s “dad” jokes! 

We tried clothes again today, they are still too big but definitely fit a little better. Only went through 2 outfits today, improvement!

No other updates on our end, tomorrow is another day.

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June 30, 2018

Mr. Maxley is up to 2lbs 14oz and we are looking forward to celebrating 3lbs soon! He got bumped to 8.5ml/ hr for feedings. He has barely spit up at all the last few days which is great and means he is tolerating feeds well. They up it based on his weight so as he grows, he gets more! 

We moved rooms today in the ICC. We have had a weird rattle noise in our ceiling and even the nurses were annoyed by it so they wanted to move us. Our room has a shower and a little more room but our new room has 2 big windows! We compromised on space for the view of the city and natural light. It helps us have some idea of what time of day it is, otherwise it’s 11pm before we know it and we’re still awake and in his room. 

He is awake more and more and changing so much!! It’s so fun to watch him turn more and more into a baby vs a preemie if that makes sense. 

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June 29, 2018

Maxley stayed the same weight today so he is still 2lbs 12oz. They say not to look at his weight on a daily basis but on a weekly basis and he is averaging about a 20 gram gain per day which is on track. 

We did our occupational therapy homework today and he did ok with it. We will keep working on his feeding cues. 

I had my 2 week post op appointment today and everything looks good (considering my abdomen was cut open pulled, sucked and tortured less than 3 weeks ago). 

We met with genetics two different times today and learned a little more about Maxley’s genetics. There is only 20 cases reported with his deletion but some are smaller than his. His is 4 mbs (not sure exactly what that stands for) and others have only 2 missing which is “better.” Basically there is very little research and he is the only one with this heart condition and the only case reported where they will have information in utero. He will be the 21st case. 

Number 21 happens to be Scott and I’s lucky number so maybe there is something good there. 

The only thing they do know is that they are all of small stature. They are thin and short (maybe 5 feet) neither of which we can take credit for. His learning and development will tell us more about what he will struggle with. I will try to do what I can with early intervention to preemptively help him advance and not fall behind in school and learning. 

He will require several sub specialists and extra care to help and document his development. He will work with occupational therapy, endocrinology, cardiology to name a few. 

We snuggled a lot today! Grandma Terri is also able to take him out and put him back by herself so she is holding him more too! She loves to rock with him and he loves it more!

I’m not sure if I have mentioned it yet but my mom hasn’t left my side since before Maxley was born. She is staying with me at the Ronald McDonald House all while running a business and putting my life back together. I can’t thank her enough for everything she is doing for me and my son. 

She has slowly been getting me out of the hospital on little errands and it’s been nice to get outside. I have been here almost 4 weeks and it gets to be a lot in here. It is like a whole other world living in a hospital and not ever seeing the sunlight. Neither our room at Ronald McDonald or Maxley’s room have windows so we have no concept of time or anything here.

June 28, 2018

Maxley is up to 2lbs 12oz! He has been steadily gaining about 40 grams a day which is right on with what they want. 

The exciting news is we got the ok from his doctor to start trying to bottle feed once a day! When the OT (occupational therapist) came by but he was very sleepy and so not up for trying to bottle feed. 

They don’t push him at all because they want feeding to be a positive, happy experience so they make sure to go at his pace and never force it. She will work with him on sucking my finger, sucking his hand and a few different things until we get to him bottle feeding 1 hours worth of food (8ml). They start with an ultra preemie nipple so that he doesn’t choke on the milk. They stop his drip for that hour so he isn’t getting double fed. 

She should be back again next week and we will try again then and see if he is more awake at that point. I’m not concerned about pushing it because I know he will get there when he gets there ((even though his mom and dad were champion eaters)) I know it will take Maxley a little longer to get there because of his size and his chromosomal abnormality.

Everyone has been saying how big he is getting and I can definitely tell he is growing!

June 27, 2018

First full day in the ICC! Maxley is liking all his new nurses and says so by giving them dirty diapers to change and spitting up after they change his sheets. 🙂

He is up to 2lbs 11oz and eating 8ml/hr! We are still doing continuous feedings and plan to try Bolus feeds again next week (spacing out his feedings). 

No news is good news in the ICC!


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June 26, 2018

Big day for a big boy! My 2 week old boy is 2lbs 9oz and we were moved from the NICU to the ICC!!! 

The ICC (infant care center) is a level 3 nursery as apposed to the NICU being a level 4. He needs less care and so he was able to be moved! Our room is a lot bigger and has a full bathroom and shower. This will be very handy when I am staying in the room with him. Maxley doesn’t even know that we moved because he slept through the whole move and I don’t think he has opened his eyes since the big move! He will be very surprised in the morning! 😊

We already miss the nurses at the NICU but I’m sure we will make friends in the ICC. 

He got a new bed last night and we don’t like it as much. I had to relearn the buttons and how to take him out by myself but I think I got it. They switch out his bed every 2 weeks so they can clean and sanitize them.

He started working with an occupational therapist this morning and will continue to meet with them a couple times a week to work on his feedings. She comes in and works with him on these small feeding cues and different things to get him ready to orally feed when the time comes. I am excited to get a step ahead of it especially since with his chromosomal issues, feeding can take even longer than a normal baby.

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Genetics Update

Since we were advised of possible chromosomal abnormalities around 24 weeks of pregnancy, after he was born we decided to do a test on his cord blood for genetics. 

We got his genetics screening back and he has a deletion (missing piece) of chromosome 12. It sounds like it affects his growth among other things which explain why he was so small in utero. So, he will be small his whole life. He will be in the 2nd – 3rd percentile for height and weight and can have developmental challenges along with that. Speaking and motor skills may come later than other kids. We will put him in some programs and things to help early on and get ahead of the challenges he is sure to face. 

Overall, not the worst news considering the initial diagnoses was terminal back in April but disappointing for sure. I am hoping his “Scott” genetics of his dad being 6’6” shine through more than his missing chromosome piece and he will be bigger than they expect but for now we can go off of the small bits of research we have seen. 

Maxley has already shown us how brave, strong and resilient he can be. He will no doubt continue to show us those things despite his “differences.” 

I hope as his mom, I can learn those things too.

June 25, 2018

We are officially over 2.5lbs!! He weighs 2lbs 8.5oz! 

He is less spitty today then he has been and they upped his feeds to 7ml/hr so he is really doing well with tolerating his feeds! 

I left the hospital today for the first time since he was born. I went down to Prior Lake to watch Brooklyn’s last soccer game with my mom. I do think that Maxley missed me but somehow we made it through. I made it back to the hospital and he hasn’t mentioned my abandonment yet.

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June 23, 2018

We had a minor step back today with his feeds. They have to check his glucose levels since preemies have a hard time regulating that when they aren’t being fed constantly. Today, his levels were bad so we went back to consistent feedings for now. We will try again soon and see if he does better. 

Today was a good cuddle day! He got to cuddle with Grandma Terri for a long time and then with Aunt Codi and Aunt Casie! He is doing well with regulating his temperature when snuggled and wrapped up so it’s easier to have him out a little longer!

He got to have another bath today too! He was able to kind of sit in the bath with me holding him versus just a sponge bath so that was fun. 

He is snuggling with his crochet octopus now! Fun fact: Crochet Octopus are used as a form of therapy to help comfort and calm premature babies. The tentacles remind babies of the umbilical cord in the womb. 

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June 23, 2018

Big day today for my little man!

This afternoon Maxley started Bolus Feeding. That means that they are starting to separate out his feedings. So, instead of 6.5 ml/ hr, he is getting 10 ml/hr for 2 hours and then they take an hour break and then they do it again. He handled this extremely well. He didn’t spit up at all!! He has been spitting up here and there normally so we thought he would get spitty with this for sure but he didn’t. 

They will slowly increase his feeds and decrease the amount of time until he is getting his full amount in about 30 minutes and then can take a 2.5 hour break like he would at home. This can take a long time since he is so small and therefore his stomach is small and needs to stretch out. 

His glucose levels were good which is a relief and something they watch when they start Bolus feedings. 

He is up to 2lbs 7oz!! He gained 40 grams! 

He is really loving his pacifier and is soothed by it. When he sucks on it he falls asleep pretty quick and is getting better at keeping it in his mouth. It is SO big for him even though it’s preemie size so it’s tough for him to keep it on his own.

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June 22, 2018

The last couple days have been uneventful around here. He is still doing well with his feeds and gained another 20 grams today. They expect he will gain between 20 – 30 grams per day. Mr. Maxley is weighing in at a whopping 2 lbs. 5 oz.

Yesterday was the first day he wore clothes… we went through 5 outfits! I know, I know, this is probably pretty normal but for a baby who is way too small for preemie clothes, has to be changed inside a plexiglass box and has cords coming out every direction, it’s not the easiest process to keep changing his clothes. Needless to say, we are back to his birthday suit. Maybe once preemie clothes fit a little better (usually 3-5lbs) or he “pops the top” on his isolet and isn’t in his heated box anymore we will dress him again. 

I am getting faster and more comfortable with getting him in and out and do that maybe 5 or so times a day. When it was more of a process to get him out and needed the nurses help I only took him out a few times and would make sure I had a good hour to snuggle but now, I can hold him for just 20 minutes or whatever he needs so I take him out more and more. He just loves being held and is always very calm and content. He seems to only cry when he has a full diaper or is working on one. 

I’m changing more diapers now that he is eating more and I’m more comfortable with where stuff is in his room and how the nurses do things.

 

June 20, 2018

Maxley is up to full feeds at 6.5 ml/ hr! They will start to separate his feedings into 3 hour chunks and start to slowly feed him orally. This is a long process and while they do this he will begin to gain weight and then he will be able to maintain his own body temperature in time. 

He maintained his weight today so he is still at 2lbs 4 oz but he has grown a whole inch (15 inches)!

They took out his PICC (IV line) today so he is down to just his feeding tube and body sensors for heart rate, oxygen levels, temperature and respiratory rate. This is such a big step for him! He is strictly on breast milk (and a protein/ calorie substance they add to my milk to fatten him up). This also means they got to get rid of his IV pole which was huge and gives us a lot more space in his tiny NICU room. 

He had a routine head ultrasound on Monday and we heard back today that everything looked great! They check for brain bleeds and a few other things in preemies but he looked perfect.

He also had a follow up echo yesterday and we met with the cardiologist today. His PDA (hole in heart we are all born with) closed up. Sometimes in preemies it doesn’t close on its own so this is good news. 

Now that his IV line is out, he is able to be swaddled. He got swaddled today and loved it! He loves to be wrapped up and tends to sleep better when he is cuddled or wrapped.

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June 19, 2018

1 week old!!

Little man is rocking it in the NICU. All the nurses and doctors stop by to see the cute “pocket baby.” They keep saying how cute and tiny he is and I was so confused why because they work with preemies all the time but they said they never ever get to see them this small and without being on CPAP or some sort of oxygen and they usually have so many more wires and IVs and things. He is definitely the exception around here and that makes me happy!

He is up to 5.5 ml/ hour and tolerating them well. 

We took his 1 week picture lying on a blanket (see attached) and he handled the cold room well without being bundled or skin to skin for a couple minutes. It will be so fun to watch him grow from all 2lbs 4 oz (back up to birth weight) into a toddler using this blanket for size comparison. 


He loves to cuddle with me! He rarely cries ever and when he does he calms easily at the sound of my voice. He smiles constantly (not sure at what) and is very content. 

He has had lots of visitors and Grandma Terri hasn’t left his (or my) side. My mom and I have been staying at Ronald McDonald house since Friday and are incredibly lucky to be able to stay. Please Please Please donate to them whenever you stop by, drive by or think about McDonalds… they have truly been a blessing to us! We are just steps away from Maxley’s room and it’s amazing to be so close!

Great grandma came tonight and brought 20 blankets she had sewn to donate to the NICU. They always appreciate things like that!

 

June 18, 2018

Maxley is up to 4.5 ml/ hour on his feedings. They added a fat substance to his breast milk for him to gain a little faster. They also took away 2 of his IV fluids and is now down to one and that should go away in the next day or so and he will be strictly on breast milk. 

He is back up over birth weight at 2 lbs. 5 oz! He is getting cuter everyday! 

He got a nice sponge bath and got his hair combed. It looks lighter than we originally thought and has a little wave to it, both which is gets from mommy. 

He is doing so well they can move him to the ICC (infant care center) a step down from the NICU any day now. They don’t currently have any openings but he should be moving when they do! It would be such a big step since he is doing so well and they rooms have nice big windows compared to his small dark room now.

 

June 16, 2018

Maxley gained over an ounce yesterday! He is 2 pounds 2 ounces, almost back up to his birth weight! 

They took out his IV from his umbilical cord because of the risk of infection. It’s only good to keep that in for a few days. They moved it to a PICC line (peripherally inserted central catheter) in his arm which can stay in as long as they need it to. It should hopefully come out in the next 2 weeks when he is up to his full feeds! 

He is eating 2 ml/ hour and is working on sucking on a pacifier and a few times a day we soak a q-tip in breast milk for him to suck on. He is so content and seems to like being full all the time. 

I got to hold him 3 times today for about an hour each time. I was able to get him out and put him back in all by myself. He has so many cords and IVs that get tangled when putting him back in but I am now able to untangle and get him situated by myself. I was also able to change several diapers today and help with his “cares.” 

Nana, Grandpa, Aunt Randi and Aunt Megan left today to go back to Canada. Maxley promised to get big and strong so they can snuggle and kiss him all they want when they come back later this summer!

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June 15, 2018

Today Maxley graduated out of the bili lights. There is a chance he would need them again but most likely he won’t. 

He is up to 1ml/ hour and they will up that by .5 ml/ hour each day until he gets to 6.5 ml/ hour. 

He is handling my milk well and seems more content now that he has food in his belly. He moves constantly and his nurses say that none of the other babies move as much… not sure if that is good or bad! 

Nana Pam and Grandpa Paul got to hold him today too! 

I was discharged from the hospital today and I moved into the Ronald McDonald house which is on the same floor of the hospital as the NICU. They have been so incredible helping with my situation and making me feel as comfortable as possible.

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June 14, 2018

He will be put under bili lights for a slight jaundice. It’s nothing concerning, pretty standard. 

He will start feeding today with a constant drip. He will get about 1/2 ml per hour. They will up it day to day and it will take about a week and a half to get him up to the amount that they want him eating. 

They have to take the IV out of his umbilical cord and put it in his arm so it doesn’t get infected. 

I was able to give him his first bath and got to take him out of the isolet by myself and hold him for a long time (twice). 

It is so fun to have so many firsts with our little man.

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June 13, 2018

Maxley turns 1 day old!

His doctors keep saying how well he is doing. He really just needs to learn to eat but that can take time. 

We met with the cardiologist today and he said his echo came back with the same results as the fetal echo so nothing new there which is good. He will still need open heart surgery around 4-6 months and will need to be on diuretics in the next few weeks until surgery. 

I have been able to hold him twice a day so far and am loving those moments. He calms down at the sound of my voice and seems to be calmed when I hold him. 

He has lost some weight but nothing concerning. I’m working on pumping and giving him every drop I get. 

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June 12, 2018

Thank you to everyone who has been staying updated on all the events of the last 5 days. Our families are still in shock that Scott is no longer here with us. I miss him more than I could ever express. 

We have started his own CaringBridge site so that people can try to understand how horrible this disease is that took our Scott. 

Today, we celebrate his baby boy. Maxley Russell Ferguson (named after Scott’s paternal grandfather) was born at 11:56am on 6/12/18, just 4 days after the passing of his dad. 

He was 2lbs 4oz and was breathing on his own right away. He is strong and doing incredible. 

I will keep everyone updated on all things Maxley! 

Thank you to everyone who has been keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. 

K & M

June 6, 2018

There is not much of an update but I will still try to send updates here and there so that everyone know that we are all 3 doing well!

So far the hospital has been good! I am feeling good and baby is doing well too! 

As some of you saw, Scott got admitted to the same hospital that I am in yesterday morning for coughing up blood, body aches, fever, and many many more symptoms he has been dealing with the last several weeks. We thought that we were close to a diagnosis of psoriatic arthritis but it turns out that they now think it is an inflammatory disease called vasculitis (Wegner’s). He went home after visiting me on Monday and was coughing up blood and couldn’t catch his breath. He ended up going to the ER by our house and they admitted him but they don’t have a lung specialist there so they transferred him up here.

He is on a steroid drip and starting to feel a little better. His joints aren’t aching anymore and he is able to move his fingers without pain and is enjoying standing up and sitting without being in excruciating pain. He still has a cough and is having a really hard time getting his oxygen levels up but they are working on it. It sounds like he will be working with a rheumatologist after he gets out and they are working on a several year treatment plan but he should feel better very soon. He will be sent home with an oxygen tank and he hopes to get out in the next couple days. While he is in the same hospital as me, he is really far away and with all of the security, I have to be escorted over to see him so I have been trying to go twice a day so far and everyone has been so great about letting me go.

We feel a little like celebrities here because everyone knows that we are the husband & wife that are both admitted to the hospital. People think it is such a trip that we are both here and nobody can quite believe it.  

As for me…

I get checked on a few times a day, I am getting a non-stress test 3 times a day and blood thinner shots 3 times a day. 

So far, my day starts at 6am when the nurse comes in and wakes me for my shots, takes my blood pressure and my temperature. After that they hook me up to do the non-stress test. This is the same test I have been doing twice a week before this. They put these little discs on my tummy that measure his heart rate and my contractions. I usually sit on that for about 45 minutes while the nurse monitors from the hallway. After they hook me up I order breakfast since that takes about 45 minutes to come. By the time they take me off the monitors, my breakfast arrives. After that I get ready for the day and call a nurse to walk me over to see Scott. I can hang out with him for a little bit and then I just ordered lunch from his room and have it sent back to my room.

Today after lunch I had an art class with other antepartum moms (women like me who are trying to stay pregnant). It was so nice to meet other women that are “stuck” in here like I am. Some of the women have been in here over 10 weeks and a few had lost other children or suffered horrible complications with previous children. I feel so very lucky to be where I am and we are all so hopeful about our situations and it is nice to have such a support system of strong “bad-ass” women. 

I will order dinner here soon and after that, go see Scott until I have to be back at my room for my 10:00 shot and monitoring. 

It sounds like this will be the plan the next couple days until Scott gets out and come back up to visit me in my room. My room is much larger, brighter and happier than his. He is in a rough part of the hospital with very sick people and so it is hard to be in his room with all that going on. 

I have had a few visitors and appreciate all that people have done for us. People have truly flooded us with love and attention and it means more to us than anyone could know. Feel free to reach out to us with any questions!!

I will try to keep everyone updated as things come!

June 4, 2018

I hadn’t felt baby move much over the weekend so on Sunday morning (after a fun sleepover with Brooklyn) the 3 of us headed up to Abbott to check on the little guy. 

He looked just fine on the monitors which is great but as of this morning I still hadn’t felt him move hardly at all. 

His growth was ok, he grew about 2 weeks in the last 3 weeks and his blood flow looks ok but mostly because of the steroid shots I got Friday and Saturday. 

They are still really worried about his growth and how he really is doing in there especially if I am not feeling him so they admitted me. I will stay in the hospital until he is born which will probably be around 34 weeks (next week)! 

Overall he is looking ok. He is measuring about 2lbs, 6oz. Scott and I can’t quite believe how small he will be and that we will be meeting him in just a few days! 

My mom comes home from Ireland tomorrow after a 2 week vacation with friends so I am sure she will be glad to be back on US soil before all the chaos kicks in! 

I know we are in good hands here and will try to keep everyone updated as much as possible! Feel free to reach out to Scott or I with any questions!

June 2, 2018

Scott and I went back to Abbott at 12 today for my 2nd round of betamethasone (steroids). I was lucky enough to get it in my other butt muscle, NOT. This one hurt a lot more than yesterday’s shot. 

I had another non stress test today and he looked perfect… not that we didn’t know that already!

June 1, 2018

Got to see all 10 of little man’s toes… man are they cute!? He also has hair which is so cool to see. You can’t tell how much but it is there. His ears look like they stick out a bit like his cousin, Lotus! The ultrasound tech also mentioned that she thought he might be tall. I can’t wait to see who he looks like!

Everything looked great on my non stress test but when I left, I was just about out of Minneapolis I got a call from my doctor that she actually needed me to turn around and come back. This is kind of what we had been worried about. His doppler (blood flow) was worse today. Not horrible but worse for sure. 

Normally he just has a restricted blood flow. I kind of picture someone pinching his umbilical cord, he isn’t getting as much as he needs if that makes sense. Well now, about 5% of the time, he is getting no blood at all. That is not good. We need him to get all nutrients he can get. 

She decided that it was time to give me some steroid shots to help the lung function. I got 1 shot today (man are those things huge, also, why oh why does it have to go in my butt cheek?) and I will get another one tomorrow. 

These shots last about 2 weeks and push him ahead about 2 weeks. So, in 2 weeks, he will be 34 weeks but act like a 36 week old! The new plan is to probably deliver about 34 weeks. Things could always change for the better and then we can revisit and hope to deliver later but if things stay the same it will be about 2 weeks!!

My doctor needs to meet with the cardiology team to see if they can come to an agreement on when the best time to deliver would be. It needs to make sense for everyone in regards to his size, his development and his heart. He won’t need surgery on his heart right away so cardiology isn’t as worried about an early delivery. 

We have our growth ultrasound on Monday and it will be exciting to see how big he will be! 

This has really been a tough week for my family and we just seem to keep getting bad news. I was really hoping to head into the weekend with some better news about baby but I am thankful that they are letting him stay in there and I know they are doing what they can to help us all. 

May 29, 2018

I apologize for not sending an update on Thursday. There was no update and so it must have slipped my mind when I got back to work. I am not sure if I should assume that is pregnancy brain or a positive sign that things are looking up. 

Today, however, we do have an update. Baby’s doppler numbers are looking high again which means that the placenta/ umbilical cord are not functioning properly and are restricted. This is the same situation that we were in about 2 weeks ago. So, not much is new but we are back to him struggling a bit to grow. This is not great news but it also isn’t much of a change. 

The doctors are still trying to get me to 37 weeks (only 5 more weeks to go!). As long as the blood flow isn’t any worse we should be ok. It hasn’t been more restricted than it is right now the whole pregnancy so there is no reason to think it will get worse now. 

If his blood flow is restricted again, it means a c-section for me which is not ideal although I am happy to have him here any way that it takes. Scott and I are doing a labor and delivery class this weekend to prepare, I hope we get to use our new skills!

They would like to monitor me twice a week again to be sure that nothing gets worse, if it does, it is probably go time! Seems crazy that we will be parents in just a few short weeks! The house is ready, Scott is ready, I am ready… we just need baby to be ready!! 

My next appointment is on Friday since the holiday messed up my normal Monday/ Thursday schedule. 

May 21, 2018

I just got back to work from our appointments and we got great news today!

Scott started a new job last week so he wasn’t able to come with me. Kaitlin (my bff) was able to join me today for all of my appointments. 

My biophysical went well, numbers were all still normal, again, normal normal! So great to see. They are actually going to lower my biophysical to once a week instead of twice. I will still go in twice a week for my non-stress tests but I only have to do the ultrasound once a week now. If everything stays stable they will actually wait to induce me between 37 weeks – 38 weeks 6 days. I should also be able to have a natural delivery instead of a c-section! There is a good chance if he makes it full term (37 weeks) that he won’t even need to be in the NICU! 

That was my favorite news of the day!!!!

I had a follow up echo today and met with another pediatric cardiologist. Most everything is looking the same except he has an extra something (forgive my cardiac ignorance) that can make his heart surgery a little more complicated but isn’t super uncommon. I am not sure why they didn’t see that on the first echo but now we know. They are now thinking his surgery will be between 3 – 6 months instead of 4 – 6. He will need to be monitored closely and be on meds until his surgery. If everything goes as expected with the surgery, there should be no restrictions with physical activity or anything later in life. 

Seems like we have all been worried for nothing… wouldn’t that be great!?

May 17, 2018

Yesterday was my first appointment that Scott couldn’t come to with me. He started a new job on Tuesday (which he is loving!) and he didn’t want to ask for the time off. 

Everything went great and his fluid levels are back down which is good. His heart rate was pretty high for the non stress test so I was hooked up a little bit longer than normal to get it to go back down. He was just moving non stop but then the HR went back down and I was able to go across the hall to my biophysical. Everything was good there too. His numbers are still normal and aced his practice breathing and movements. 

Every single person who does an ultrasound on me is shocked at how much he moves. Maybe they are just saying that but they all seem genuinely surprised that he is so very active. We think this is a good thing! He might be a very busy little boy! 🙂

I was so relieved to go get to go home yesterday because I have a baby shower tomorrow! I am so looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating baby Fergie!Top of Form

May 14, 2018

Today is Scott & my 7 year anniversary! Crazy how far we have come even just in the last year. We started fertility drugs a year ago this month and are now preparing to welcome a little boy to the Fergie family!

Today was a big day at the doctor because we had a growth ultrasound. They only do them every few weeks to make sure to give an accurate measurement of time and growth. It was good news and bad news. The good news is he grew 3 weeks worth in 3 weeks, that is good to see that he isn’t still falling behind. The bad news is that he didn’t make up any time at all. We were hoping to see that he was maybe only 2 weeks behind instead of 3 weeks and a day. 

The placenta is actually looking good which is great and probably why is growing normally now but that means the doctors think that there is something bigger going on. If the placenta is functioning like normal and he is still so far behind, they still think it could be a chromosomal abnormality. That is the one thing we are most afraid of. Most of the chromosomal issues that it could be are not compatible with life, meaning most babies don’t make it home from the hospital. We are still very hopeful that he is a healthy (but small) baby and are trying not to allow ourselves to think the worst. 

He is measuring at 1 lb. 12 oz. That is up from 1 lb. 2 oz the last time that they measured him. Still just a peanut at 29 weeks gestational age. The doctors keep asking us how big we were at birth and when we tell them that we were both about 9 lbs., they remind us that we shouldn’t expect such a small baby. I usually respond with… “look at us, nobody would expect a small baby from us!” That gets a good laugh. 

He aced his biophysical (practice breathing, movement, etc.) and he also aced his non-stress test, both tests we do twice a week . He is very active and his heart rate is good, 139bpm. I am still having contractions and they did show up on the monitor today but it was just one and she wasn’t concerned. His fluid levels were higher today so they will be watching that closely. If it stays high or gets higher it can mean other issues. 

The doctor today was hopeful that things wouldn’t suddenly take a turn for the worst and he said they typically start to decline and because my numbers have been consistently stable, he is hopeful I stay outpatient. 

For now, I get to go back to work/ home and prepare for my upcoming baby shower this weekend! :)Top of Form

May 10, 2018

29 Weeks today & in my 3rd trimester… home stretch!

We got wonderful news today!

The blood flow in his umbilical cord has improved, the ultrasound tech even called it normal! NORMAL!!!!! Normal, like a normal baby! That is such amazing news, Scott and I can’t quite believe that. This is such good news for his growth! He is finally, (even if it is temporary) getting the nutrients and blood that he needs to thrive. 

His fluid levels went back down to normal as well. They were a little elevated on Monday. It was nothing to worry about but if they kept going up it could lead to preterm labor and could mean other complications for him. 

He is moving like crazy and I am enjoying all of his kicks, punches and headbutts. Scott has gotten to feel him a few times and loves it. He has already started talking to him about being a Packer fan, I wasn’t sure he ever had a choice!

We are excited to see where his growth is at on Monday! We are hoping for many more weeks of testing because it means he is staying in! 

May 7, 2018

28 weeks already!

More tests today. We were at Abbott today and had our doppler where everything is looking the same, we had our non stress test where he got 10 out of 10 and is looking great. 

We met with a doctor for my 28 week appointment. We got some of our questions answered and she did say there is a chance they will let me go past 34 weeks if everything stays stable, this is WONDERFUL news! The longer he stays in, the less time he will be in the NICU. 

I had my glucose test today and passed! We also had more blood and urine tests and everything looks good. 

Then we got a tour of the mother baby center. It was nice to see where my c-section will be and what is the process for me seeing him after he is born and moved to Children’s hospital (across the street). We learned more about the Ronald McDonald house and how they can help us while we stay in the NICU. 

Last week I reached out to some organizations about helping us store his cord blood in case he needs it later in life and some got back to me that they would be willing to do it for free! That was so cool to hear that if he has enough cord blood to store, that we can do that at no cost!

He is still moving like crazy and has been very active. I started getting Braxton Hicks contractions last week and they continue almost every day.  They are not concerned since they are completely normal. 

We have our growth ultrasound next Monday and hope to hear more about his progress then. That may or may not give us an indication of when they will need to deliver him. Then the week after we have his follow up fetal echo with his pediatric cardiologist to find out more about his heart!

Thank you for everyone who has checked in and continued to read about our journey… so far, so good!!

May 3, 2018

28 weeks today!!! He should be the size of an eggplant but is measuring closer to an ear of corn. 

Today’s tests went the same. The artery in his brain is good, same as before. The artery in his umbilical cord is still restricted, again, the same as before. The tech wasn’t seeing his practice breathing at first and so he almost didn’t get his points for the day but then he did it continuously for about 40 seconds so he got his points!! His fluid levels are also within normal range so nothing to report there. 

It was also the first time we got to see him have the hiccups, it was so sweet!

He was very active for the ultrasound and actually looked like he was boxing. He was punching and kicking simultaneously. I love every movement. 

We went for our non-stress test after that and it took a while to get the monitors hooked up correctly but then after about 40 minutes of monitoring she said everything looked good. He had enough movement and his heart rate was 139 bpm. 

We will be back Monday for more tests but am so glad I get to spend another weekend at home.

April 30, 2018

Not much of an update today which is a good thing at this point. 

We had our first non stress test this morning at Abbott and little man passed with flying colors. They measure his heart rate for 20 – 40 minutes and makes sure that it goes up and down which is a sign of movement and good fetal activity. They also want to see 2 “big” movements in that time and little man had about 20, she said he earned extra credit! They will do this at both of my weekly appointments going forward. 

After that we had our bi-weekly biophysical profile. For this test they measure his fluid levels, his movement and 2 arteries, one in his umbilical cord and one in his brain. They also check for practice breathing too. She said the practice breathing can be hard to get and they only have 30 minutes to get everything they need and she was able to see lots of practice breathing so that was great! He had a TON of movement and everyone keeps saying they are so impressed by how active he is at 27 weeks. Proud parent moment! His fluid levels, and blood flow in his arteries are stable (similar to last Thursdays results) so once again, I get to go home!

We will have an updated echo to look at his heart again in a few weeks with the pediatric cardiologist. 

It has been a little bit of a blessing for Scott and I to try to live each day as though it could be my last “on the outside.” I have appreciated every night in my bed and every moment we get to spend in our new house! We are feeling really lucky and just hope he stays stable, I stay out and he stays in. 

Thank you for everyone who has continued to check on us, pray for us and send all those positive thoughts our way. I think he is feeling the love, I know we are!

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